FML

I am frustrated with shit. It seems like trying to do things the way I have is not going to work.

Last night my son was not listening to anything I was saying. I told him to go to his room several times and he just basically said "fuck you no". I got frustrated with him. So finally I get up and push him towards his room and give him a little punch in the back shoulder. Not hard in my opinion. He does not cry. Does not flinch. It was really just a friendly tap to me. He thought nothing of it and finally gets the point I am fed up with his behavior and goes to his room.

So long story short the wife calls the cops on me. They come to the house. I am obviously angry and say "what the fuck" going to the door which they overhear. So they give me the hard ass routine. I doubt they had any intention of ever arresting me. Fuck at this point it probably be relaxing to go to jail.

So the cop is talking to me and he is like "do you want your son to hate you?", you can't live your life yelling at people, swearing at your wife, punching your kid when he does not listen. Somewhat I think this is bullshit but who knows. Maybe I am a fucking asshole and just do not realize it. I mean I feel like I have done nothing really bad. I feel guilty about my kids because I have pulled back from doing things with them as I got depressed... so it's really difficult for me and them.

He also said my son is all sad that the cops came and thinks it is his fault for not listening. I told him it was not his fault. Which I totally believe. Not sure if it is my fault or my wife's or what.

So the cop is all like this is all on you. You are the man in the family. It all starts and ends with you. He says my wife is afraid of me. I have never hit or touched her. I have yelled at her. I do have a lot of anger for the bullshit she pulls. I think you need to actually do something to be a criminal? I dunno.

The cop was telling me how he needed counseling for his family and was pretty nice overall even though he was trying to be a tough guy. I agreed to go see a shrink to talk about shit. I feel like I can handle things better but I do not feel like I abuse my kids or my wife at all.

So I cried a bit and was not really talkative with my son after that. I was a little because I did not want him to feel it was his fault.

Now I am really sad because I can not go on like this. It is ridiculous. So basically my options are to, in my opinion, really abuse my children and force them to leave their friends, go to a new town, try and make new friends which is very hard at the Jr. High level.. cause them endless pain... fucking blow this whole situation up. I obviously put my own experiences on this and it may be that they just fit in with the new kids.

I am not dealing with having cops come to my house. I am sick of being treated like a criminal because of shit my wife does. She stops paying bills and I find out years later she has not paid taxes, some bills are in court and I have a warrant for my arrest because I missed a court case in debt court or something.

I think I should just turn myself in and go to nice jail. Relax. Snooze on the pillows. No work. No kids. No wife. Sounds like heaven at least for a little while. I just can not fix anything. I do not know what to do. I am not such a huge dick that I could run away. Something extreme has to happen I think because I am not dealing with this shit anymore.

I think being depressed is the proper state of mind for my current life.