Holy Fucking Bad Beat Batman

I just found out.. *gulp* I am OBESE!

Your BMI is 31.3
30.0 and Above --> Obese

A BMI of 30 or above is considered obese. Obesity is associated with an increased risk for heart disease, diabetes, and other life-threatening diseases.

I'm fucking one of those fat guys you see on hospital shows who they have to get 19 people to carry out and who have to be naked all the time because no clothes fit them.
I'm like Jaba the Hutt! I lost at poker last night and I did what obese people do! I hit the ice cream!!!!

So maybe I should start a new blog: I am fucking Obese! It could chronicle my losing battle against fattiness. I figured I would look and see how to get fit.. but it is too confusing.. See I went to this page and looked up some exercises.

The Stair Shuttle I get. I mean it is kind of stupid running up and down one step but seems easy.. But what the fuck does this mean?

Crab-Walk Pushup

Assume the classic pushup position. Perform a pushup, then squeeze your abs forcefully and slide your left leg and left arm out to the side as far as possible. Do another pushup, then bring your right arm and leg over so you're back in the starting position. That's one repetition. Do two or three reps in each direction.

Where the fuck is my Abs? How the hell do I squeeze it? What kind of fucking monkey gymnast do I have to be to pull that move off? I mean if I was a fucking coordinated type of person then do you think I would be OBESE! Jesus!!!!

I could probable handle the agility run if I had a ruler to measure 5 yards.. I am really bad at spatial things.. wait.. even better.. a YARD STICK.. yeah, I gotta get me one of those..

Interrupted Pullups.. Hello fuckers! Have you heard a word I said???!?!?! I AM FUCKING OBESE AND YOU WANT ME TO PULL MYSELF UP! JESUS! You think I would be OBESE if I could fucking pull myself up???!?!? And where the fuck am I going to find a pole? I mean I do not exactly live next to a strip club. What are you people retarded? I mean who fucking writes these things 80 pound gymnasts? No wonder they can do contorted pushups and pull their fucking scrawny bodies up on a pole..

Exercise fucking tilts me.