Good Friend, Good Move

As most of my long term readers know I live in the most fucked up situation imaginable. Basically my Wife and I are divorced but we live together and have not filed papers. I live on the first floor and she lives in the master bedroom and we share all the other rooms. We both take care of the kids. We have an agreement to consider ourselves divorced and date other people. I basically work and deposit my check to the joint account and she spends it.

The situation came about because I have a huge mental aversion to arguments. I think it stems from my childhood. If we argued and woke my dad out he would come charging out of his room in his tightie whities, belt in hand, and beat the shit out of whoever he chose... which was usually me. I am doing some amateur psychology here but I think from that I learned it is better to just get along. Be quiet. Do not rock the boat.

It crops up and bites my ass all the time. I go to huge lengths to not get in trouble for things which normally just makes it worse. In this case instead of fighting about bills and stuff like that I let the wife take them over years ago. I knew this would end in disaster since she sucks at bills. I just totally withdrew and semi-functioned as I fell into deeper and deeper depression.

I have no idea where my recent burst of energy has come from. I have been trying to knock myself out of my funk for years. Somehow I have started waking up. It could just be because things have gotten so bad I can not avoid them anymore. I am not sure.

To the normal person the things I have done the past few months are nothing. I mean I bought a PC for myself. I setup a basketball hoop. I started waking up. Setup a desk area. Several other very small things. These things have added up and I feel comfortable with taking back control of my life.

I am not sure what the right thing to do as endgame is. I have issues with making my kids change schools. My family did this when I was in 6th grade and the next six years of my life were hell. I do not want to do that to my kids. I think my situation is somewhat livable if I take control and make decisions and keep engaged.

I took the first big move last night. I told my wife I am taking over control of the bills. I also said I was switching my deposit to my account. She exploded and started yelling. She said "We might as well just get divorced then!!". I thought we basically were.

I told her I did not want to hurt the kids but if she felt she needed to file then go ahead. I told her I was not selling the house or filing for divorce or leaving my house. The easiest path for me would be to run away and leave this shit pile for her to deal with. I refuse to do that to my kids.

She then came down later to yell at me some more. I stood my ground and will be changing the direct deposit this morning. I have 2-weeks till payday. She needs to provide me with all the needed information before then. She came out this morning and asked if I could watch the kids for Saturday so she could get the information together.

I guess this means I win this round. Not totally sure. It is not about winning and losing though. It is about creating an environment where we both can have less stress and work together. In the end it is about me having control over my own decisions and making the ones that are right for myself and my kids.

I have no idea where this is going to end up. I feel sapped of energy this morning. My stomach is aching. My stress levels are through the roof. All I had in the house to drink last night was a fucking stupid wine that tasted like a watermelon raped an apple. I think I have taken a big step though. Peace.