Monday, January 30, 2012

Good Friend, Good Move

As most of my long term readers know I live in the most fucked up situation imaginable. Basically my Wife and I are divorced but we live together and have not filed papers. I live on the first floor and she lives in the master bedroom and we share all the other rooms. We both take care of the kids. We have an agreement to consider ourselves divorced and date other people. I basically work and deposit my check to the joint account and she spends it.

The situation came about because I have a huge mental aversion to arguments. I think it stems from my childhood. If we argued and woke my dad out he would come charging out of his room in his tightie whities, belt in hand, and beat the shit out of whoever he chose... which was usually me. I am doing some amateur psychology here but I think from that I learned it is better to just get along. Be quiet. Do not rock the boat.

It crops up and bites my ass all the time. I go to huge lengths to not get in trouble for things which normally just makes it worse. In this case instead of fighting about bills and stuff like that I let the wife take them over years ago. I knew this would end in disaster since she sucks at bills. I just totally withdrew and semi-functioned as I fell into deeper and deeper depression.

I have no idea where my recent burst of energy has come from. I have been trying to knock myself out of my funk for years. Somehow I have started waking up. It could just be because things have gotten so bad I can not avoid them anymore. I am not sure.

To the normal person the things I have done the past few months are nothing. I mean I bought a PC for myself. I setup a basketball hoop. I started waking up. Setup a desk area. Several other very small things. These things have added up and I feel comfortable with taking back control of my life.

I am not sure what the right thing to do as endgame is. I have issues with making my kids change schools. My family did this when I was in 6th grade and the next six years of my life were hell. I do not want to do that to my kids. I think my situation is somewhat livable if I take control and make decisions and keep engaged.

I took the first big move last night. I told my wife I am taking over control of the bills. I also said I was switching my deposit to my account. She exploded and started yelling. She said "We might as well just get divorced then!!". I thought we basically were.

I told her I did not want to hurt the kids but if she felt she needed to file then go ahead. I told her I was not selling the house or filing for divorce or leaving my house. The easiest path for me would be to run away and leave this shit pile for her to deal with. I refuse to do that to my kids.

She then came down later to yell at me some more. I stood my ground and will be changing the direct deposit this morning. I have 2-weeks till payday. She needs to provide me with all the needed information before then. She came out this morning and asked if I could watch the kids for Saturday so she could get the information together.

I guess this means I win this round. Not totally sure. It is not about winning and losing though. It is about creating an environment where we both can have less stress and work together. In the end it is about me having control over my own decisions and making the ones that are right for myself and my kids.

I have no idea where this is going to end up. I feel sapped of energy this morning. My stomach is aching. My stress levels are through the roof. All I had in the house to drink last night was a fucking stupid wine that tasted like a watermelon raped an apple. I think I have taken a big step though. Peace.


Blogger Dawn Summers said...

It sounds like youre moving in the right direction though! Keep it up!

5:01 AM

Blogger NumbBono said...

You may realize this by now, and if you haven't, you should.

A custody arrangement will have to be arranged.

The divorce is imminent, you've avoided that for a while, but it will happen. At that point the custody and child support stuff will have to get figured out.

You knew this was in the works, but put it off. Trust me, I know the drill here, I put it off for far too long myself.

I am a friend with advice if you want it.

5:15 AM

Blogger KenP said...

Good for you!!! Relax. You'll screw parts up; we all do. Erasers on pencils and all that. You aren't dumb so you'll get it worked out.

The kids aren't dumb. And parts about what's going on aren't all that healthy. What they master is playing both sides against their wants like all kids only better tools.

What is apparent is you aren't happy and haven't been. You are working at correcting that and that will benefit your children in the long run. Remember that.

P.S. Be sure to close that old account out. Her bum checks aimed at you won't improve the day.

6:13 AM

Blogger lightning36 said...

What Ken P said.

This has been a long time coming. It is good to see you starting to take steps in the right direction.

Like when the good witch tells Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz "You've always had the power to go back to Kansas," you too have the power to make effective changes in your life.

Of course, in reality you look more like Toto, but that is beside the point ...

6:56 AM

Blogger grrouchie said...

Yes, sounds like pure living hell.
And while I don't have the whole kid attachment or marriage bogging me down, I understand your situation and feel for it.

I thought I was the only idiot who ever continued to live with his ex long after the relationship has ended, thus driving me into a deeper depressing and a new stage of hell that I didn't know existed.

In fact, I guarantee you that I'd still be there if it were not for me having just moved my parents into town and them living with us (which was to be just temporary before the insanity hit).

So, I don't know your exact situation but I do understand some of the hell you are putting yourself through just by being there.

Congrats on taking control of your financial situation - that is a huge step and just one of many to come in your life I hope.

7:59 AM

Blogger Josie said...

Yay Waffles! You must stick to your guns. You can do this.

8:46 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

pGo get laid. Then get laid again.

Good Luck bro.

4:37 PM


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