Thursday, May 29, 2014

Gahhhh

The waiting is killing.

I dunno. Some days everything seems alright and then other days I am like "What am I old lonely dude?".

I keep busy but do things mostly alone. Come home to my alone apartment. It's weird. While I would segregate myself downstairs a lot before there were always people "there".. the kids would be upstairs.. we would interact or something. Sometimes it would be too much. Other times alright. Now it is just me.

Wife is playing so dirty it's not even cool. Like signing an agreement to have me see the kids the next four Saturdays when she knows that she is going away the next Saturday. Switching dates and times at the last minute. Hell I do not even know if I am going to see the kids this weekend.

I have been exercising. Taking better care of myself. Court date is coming up. I do not know what to expect then either. Like does the judge make all the decisions? What do I need to prepare. I have a few things I am going to prepare even though my lawyer is not telling me to. I want to have a signed note by a CPA saying how much exactly my taxes every month is. Wife thought those were "optional" and I do not want the judge saying "yeah you gross that much pay extra".. I also do not want to get in trouble with taxes since I have finally cooled all that down.

I also need to work a plan for selling the house. If we just sell it or let it go then the feds will take their cut and there will be nothing left. If we can work together then we could probably walk away with some cash in our pockets.

I was nice and agreed to pay most of the bills until the court date.. but I get the feeling she is not paying the bills and just gonna run off with the money or something. Perhaps I am getting paranoid. It's all a fricken joke. I really do not care how it comes out but I want it over with so I can take stock and start my life again.

Anyways I should know more in like 20 days. Hopefully it turns out well. I am sure I will get back into doing things. I have in some ways. Drawing. Watching Anime. Exercising. Need to get out with people some more... but also been trying to save some money in case I need it for legal fees and what not. I feel like in a year things will be so much better. I will be in control. For now it's all turmoil and it is annoying.

People say "Don't be nice" "Screw her over".. and I see the point. I really do think every dollar that goes to me will benefit the kids more... but also in the short term if I don't at least help somewhat then they will have a hard time. So stuck in the middle. Things will get better. Someday.


Friday, May 23, 2014

Trending..

Sorry. Nothing amazing to mention. My marine friend has shipped out. So I am all alone again. I have been jogging, and working out. I threw my back out Monday though. Ouch. Nothing serious just a muscle pull. I got totally loaded Wednesday night for the marine going away party. NEVER DRINK WITH A MARINE. Almost got kicked out of the restaurant for "talking" too loud. Had a fun time till I puked outside the cab. Thursday at work was rough. Ended on a good note eating some Ramen soup and feeling better. Going to end the week strong with some exercise, go Kayaking on the weekend.. work a little this weekend since the week has been a mess.

Last court date the wife lowers visitation by an hour. Kind of pissed me off. I mean I get 4 hours. Why do you wanna haggle and make it 3. She then agrees to make it all Saturdays and then is taking the kids to NH this weekend with what I "HOPE TO GOD" is her boyfriend. Life would work out so easy if he was.

I still have every decision on how to live my life open. Eat out. Eat at home. Cook? I have been mixing up eating out and eating tuna and spaghetti from the can and PB&J. I am not even sure why I do anything I do. One night I will just veg and watch TV and the next night I will grab my art book and draw shitty things. I am just learning.

Hit some pussy or masturbate. I mean the first one comes with all kinds of complications unless you pay for it. However it also can be good. Perhaps I should become a monk instead.

I am trying to save money and use it for better things. Rent is a bad thing. Electric. Cable. All just drains. Eating out too. I want to spend my money on having fun with the kids, saving for their education, having fun myself and having some sense of security where I could take a year off work if I wanted to. All those things seem like good goals.

I have a nice new art project. I want to draw the spider I described before. With it's mechanical legs of Rent, Cable, House, bills, etc.. latched onto a person... I need to improve my drawing 100000% to do that but I am going to do a first draft and then I can use it as a guide to my improvement.

Nothing else going on. Next court should be in June.



Monday, May 19, 2014

Walking Dead

Sorry. Not been writing as much as I hoped to be. Life is insanity right now. I dislike uncertainty and that is all I have at the moment. We go days in between that are better. Low stress. I run. I work out. I sprain my goddamn back. I work on my attitude. I try and figure out what is next. I am sort of like the walking dead. The cure is ahead but for now all I can do is walk in the lands of bleakness and grey.

The spider legs of the system have drawn me back in. I could live as a hobo. Those first few days I was ready to just cut and run. I felt like nobody was there for me. I felt the kids hated me. I started to buy the fake koolaide the wicked witch was selling. I then went out on a Saturday. Caught some fish with some smiling kids. They were fighting and annoying me the whole time. The oldest brought his friend. It was good though. Fish were caught. I was caught. So now the lease is signed. Utilities come next. Back into the grid at least tentatively.

It was a good experience living out of the car. Sort of a cleanse for the soul. It got me thinking about what I want my life to be about. It got me thinking about homeless people. I say hi to them now instead of staying in my shell. I don't know what the fuck I am doing. Why talk to homeless people? Is that me? I dunno. Not really a people person. Couple of court dates come. Nothing is decided. Payments are made to keep the status quo. I think the witch has figured out her spell has backfired. Life is going to change for me for sure... but unfortunately for her too.

I am sure she is stressing at least as much as I am. I feel bad. I feel guilty. Everything is going to change. It's a good thing but with all birth and life and change there is pain. So I walk. I try and figure things out. I want this to end. Everything is setting up well though. I have a place till Jan. Most of the court issues should clear up by then. I think the picture will come in and I can react to that. Until then I keep walking dead. Waiting for the cure.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Prison Life

I know this blog is flittering everywhere. Future and past tense getting all messed up. It all depends on what I feel like writing at the time. Always for me writing has been cathargic and a good release. I spent 10 days out on the mean streets of Boston (suburbs). I actually enjoyed the experience. I have a little bit of a new appreciation for people struggling with homelessness. It was nice to spend some time with only survival as the need. No television. No computer. Just me. The cold. The wild darkness. Escape from the light bearers. I really think I could live that way forever.

I then had to face reality. I have kids. The kids love me. I can not just abandon them. I love them too. Even if they piss me off sometimes. Even if I am not the worlds best dad. I really do care about them. I doubt a judge would really like to give any kind of visitation to someone living in a car. Reality sucked me back into the grid.

Life to me has always been a mix of everything going terribly wrong and everything working out the way it should. I can't say I have been happy much in my life. However that could all be just attitude. I really do feel like I am being watched over by something or someone. I am not very religious. I am a seeker though. I find it hard to believe everything is an accident.

Now I am re-attached to the grid. A buddy of mine is shipping out for Marine training till Jan. So I am taking over his lease until then.. then I can decide what to do permanently. I hope things are much more settled by then. After years of being a prisoner I am not sure what to do with my freedom. So many choices now. I need to decide things every day. What to spend money on. Do I want a better apartment or do I want to spend money differently. After years of wasting so much time, money, effort, energy, what do I want for life? Do I like drawing? Perhaps. Do I want to do my laundry at the coin-op or pay extra 4 bucks to do wash and fold. What do I save? Where do I cut? Do I go all Fuel and live like a ballah. I need to figure out what I want. Right now low stress is the main thing. Should I go to Cancun? Do I eat good stuff? Do I want to use a gas stove? Do I need a microwave? When do I exercise? When do I leave for work? Should I jog in the mornings with the sexy co-eds?

Everything is a choice with consequences and benefits. In some ways I sort of want to go back to "jail". It was much simpler in some ways. Ack. At least with choice there comes opportunity. I have some ideas of how I want to live. Some things I want to do. It will fall in place. Or not. At least I am free.



Monday, May 12, 2014

CAUGHT!

It is kind of disconcerting getting caught doing something wrong. I am sleeping in my car for the 4th or 5th night. Slightly less cold because of the coat I bought. Using a towel for a blanket. It is like 12:40AM and I get a rap on my window. It is this plump woman in a security uniform that barely can contain her jelly. She says "You can not sleep her".

Now it was almost 1AM and I was too tired to argue so I just rolled on out. In hindsight though.. Fawk you! Seriously. Going over to your security car. Tough guy. The world should be a free place. Who was being bothered by one car parked wayyyyyyyy out on the other side of the lot? It really got me thinking about things like this.

I spent a few nights figuring out the best place to stay. I hit a Home Depot. The next day at like 6AM some fat lard-ass like parks right next to my car.. and bumps it.. with his fat butt. I mean there is a whole fucking parking lot! Why the fuck you have to park next to me? I am not sure if he was feeding the homeless or doing something wacked.. but it was weird..

I finally settled on the Costco lot. It was dark. Nobody went in there. It was elevated off the street so if a cop drove by they would probably not see me. It was very efficient and effective and my commute stayed at like 2 minutes. It went from being "Wake up in work parking lot and drive over one isle to go to work", to "Wake up in Costco parking and drive over the bridge to work". Really cool stuff.

I kept hoping the guard would harass me when I was there for regular work. I was ready to give her an ear full. I would have threatened to get her fired if she ever talked to me again, and then she would have to share a car with me! Take that fatty!


Saturday, May 10, 2014

Night Two - The N00b Awakens

Night one I realized one thing - I am woefully unable to live in my car. I am not very street smart despite growing up in the projects. It was a safe, friendly projects. I am sure Carmen or Don could have given me some good advice. I am fairly certain they have lived in way worse situations that I was in. I mean let's recap - I have a nice 97 Lexus with comfy leather seats, enough money to get food, a job... It is pretty good life for a hobo.

Logistically I was a mess though. I had clothes. My computer (useless). This was it. No shower. No shave. No changing room. The night was freezing too. It was like 20 degrees. It really gave me some appreciation of what people have to go through. The wife's lawyer had said I could get a hotel and if I did not it was my own fault. However I could not justify the 3-4k a month for a cheap hotel.. it would take money away from my kids. I also was not ready to rejoin society yet. I am not sure I had decided if I was going to run off to Texas and live with ScottyMc, or do something else. Ditch the car and do a walking tour of America? I have no idea what my end game was going to be.

So I started reading. The internet has everything you need and if it does not there is always Dr. Pauly. It is amazing how many sites there are for Hobos. It explains everything you need. It had good ideas like: find a place to shower. Have a coat. Have a dirty clothes bag...

After work I headed off to Sears for supplies. I bought more for myself that night than I have in the last 5 years I think. Only spend like a hundred but bought a duffle bag (40.00),  workout shorts and a shirt.. a Jacket (39.99), and toiletries.. oh and a couple towels. I found the work Gym. I found the showers. So I setup my schedule. I worked out. I froze at night still. I showered in the morning before work.

The first day or so I was a real mess. I smelled like a bum. My hair was greasy. It was not a good path. Reading the Hobo guides I turned it around. Nobody would know I was homeless unless they saw me sleeping in my car which.....



Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Worlds Shortest Blog?

I think I may have to rejoin the light-givers and come in from the darkness. Ah well. It was fun while it lasted. It is really hard to explain how much I just really want to withdraw from society sometimes.

Today was my first court case for a bogus restraining order and the divorce proceedings. It was kind of insane. I am stressed out to the max. It went good though. I feel like there are like a million holes in everything the wife says. I am not going into details here right now but she really wants to bury me. I think it should all work out though. Some of the good things that came out of the meeting are initial visitation and contact rules, split bank accounts, and I have a decent lawyer I think. Oh and my lawyer ... So much hotter than her fat one.

I spent so much time trying to save the kids the pain I had from moving. I actually think that they might still be able to stay in the same school system they are in now. I am pretty sure the wife is staying with a guy. Not positive. Of course she is making it seem like she is all alone and has no support or money. I really hope she is because the best outcome would be them staying in town. I finally have come to the realization that what I have been trying to do is just wrong. It was doomed to fail from the start. I had the best intentions and was going of my personal experiences with the moving thing. It was hell. However my kids are different. If they have to move they might just fit in. If not then they will hopefully learn some things from the experience like I did.

I have a feeling this divorce thing is going to cost a lot. I hope I am wrong because I would much rather spend money on the kids future than this bullshit. However whatever happens I am going to be free to do my own thing and handle things my own way. Even if I make bad decisions like living in my car, at least they are my bad decision. I have a lot to do and a lot of stress. I got the accounts straightened out today, the joint account is being handled as escrow basically with the court ordering the disposition. Not too much in there anyways. Got my mail forwarded to my new mailbox. Opened a new checking with a bank. Deposited my couple hundred I have for the week. Started the process of my direct deposit going to my new account. Things are moving.

Will be up in Josie's neck of the woods next week with the kids for visitation.

Need to make some decisions about where to live. I REALLY don't want to live with my mom. There are VERY good reasons I moved out when I was 18. Also the lawyer advises against it. I do have a friend who I may be able to rent a room from. He is actually moving out in a few months for an army stint and needs to sublet his place.. so if it's available still I might go for it. Otherwise I need to figure something out. Not going to sleep with strange dudes in a halfway house or any stupid thing like that.

Wish me luck.