Monday, July 20, 2015

90 Day Countdown

90 Days till Final divorce decree.. been a long time coming.. things are going well between the ex and I and the kids. Life is still kind of a fuckshow in my opinion but it's going as good as can be expected.

Saturday, October 11, 2014


Life goes on.

I am feeling pretty good about things. Court is still going on for the divorce. I offered way too much to her but I feel alright about it. Essentially I said I would pay her mortgage and child support (after the mortgage got reduced) until the kids are out of HS in five years. Her first response was "That's not enough".. *sigh*. I need to learn to let go here. I always want to fix everything. I have tried to get her to look at her budget and cut out the fat. I mean everyone in the world needs to live within a budget. I just need to step back and let things fall where they will.

Not all of this is heroic niceness on my part either. I can use the tax deduction from the mortgage a LOT. So it's basically like asking if I want the money to go to my kids or to the feds. Also when we sell the house it will be five more years of appreciation. If things work out the way I think they will on my side I will be fine.. and have enough extra to save, catch up on kids college, and help out if I need to. Essentially in five years I will be debt free, Ex-free, payment free, and living my own way. No more tax liens because she wouldn't pay what she needed to.. etc, etc..

Essentially I did the numbers and if my taxes don't change at all then I can live for the next five years with a slight margin of free cash, and if the taxes change like I think they will then I will have plenty to play with over the next five years and after that I will be REEECHHHH! MWAHAHA!

Of course life really wants me to realize that no plans ever work and to go with the flow. Let go of the reins and see what happens. Not sure I can do that but I am trying.

The summer went good. Even with the stresses going on I was able to run. I did pushups (120+) and Pullups (3 on a good day :P). I even took Yoga for two months. Yoga instructors have the most fabulous bodies. It was very stress relieving.

Fall/Winter has started alright. I have slipped back a bit. Less pushups. Still running like 5 days a week (on a good week).. Been having weird dizzy spells and shit like that still. Had a night where I tried to run but five minutes in I was having breathing problems beyond running... so I stopped and walked the rest. Todays run was alright. First one since that day on Tuesday. Something is wrong with me but not sure what it is. Working with doctor to figure it out.

I skipped a day of work because I felt depressed and/or tired. I then started feeling much better. Go figure. I have been taking Vitamin-D because my levels are at 34, and the min your body needs is like 33... soooooo this probably has some effect. It is really strange though because I ran all summer and got some sun... so, confused. Been playing a wee too much video games.. and that is always a bad sign.. but I have not fallen into the deep, dark, hole yet... which I never come out of until April... so, hopefully, this will be the year I mostly skip the deep end and just skim the shallows of depression and inability to function.

I feel pretty good though. I am always way too tough on myself. If I look back over the past three months a lot has changed. I have made progress. I have worked out the divorce details in a good way. I am seeing the kids. Teaching them to program. Having more fun with them in smaller doses (introverts suck at people for long stretches) and I think things are going well. I spend more time outside with people... be it Yoga classes or what not. A lot of progress on many fronts. I am looking forward to seeing where it goes assuming I do not have lung cancer or something like that. Even if I do, who cares.. We all have to go when our number is punched. I have radically changed my life too.. I am living by the moto of - Spend money where it counts - Kids, Family, Fun, Peace of mind - Not houses, cable bills, electric, and fancy cars. I want to live with a bag of clothes, a computer, and basically that is it. Possessions are a good name for our things for they possess us.

If I do not check in that often it's probably because things either crashed and burned, or because things are going well. I will try and come by every once in a while though. I love to write and hopefully entertain. In another dimensions I am sure I am a published author. Have fun people. Live life. Prioritize the important things.

Sunday, July 27, 2014

Still Living.. Still Nutso.

Sorry for the hiatus. It was fun writing when I was homeless but now I am back in the system. Sort of good. Sort of bad.

Just as a recap update I am living on my own now in an apartment in Brighton. My marine buddy shipped off until January, when he comes back we will see what happens. Could be me taking over for good, could be roomates, might be me moving. Not sure which option I want.

Thinking about dumping my lawyer. The case starts September. So far after like 5 visits to court nothing has happened. I am not sure if this is normal or not. I just hate that it is going so slowly. If I replace him it will be before August 1st, because I want my new guy to have enough time.

Been keeping good care of myself. Running is up to 2+ miles 3x a week. Pushups are back in the 70-80 range. Doing a few pull-ups too.

I decided to try Yoga. Specifically for core body workout and breathing. Scientists have proven that deep breathing such as used in Yoga and Meditation causes your body to release endorphin's and stop your toxic stress hormones. I have been enjoying the classes. It is way outside my box of comfort so it is good. Thirty days of classes for 30 bucks. I started with a really tough class but I am moving into basic classes to learn the poses and stuff. First class I was so anxious ... you know the feeling that the whole class is staring at you and saying "What the fuck?".. Honestly I have those feeling because IT'S TRUE! People are horrible to each other in group situations. However I am sure I overreacted in this case. As I have taken more classes I kind of feel like I am getting the idea and feel a lot less nervous and more like I fit in. So it has been good growth for me. I also feel like I may not be Frankenstein. Normally I feel I have no hips, and my body from my hips to my shoulders are one solid, fused, block. When I take the classes I think maybe I could use more hip to bang them bitches.

Things with Ex are .. odd... It's like one day she will be fine and the next day psycho. She has told the kids that I want to reduce payments to her so they need to take in a border. Of course she neglects to say I am currently voluntarily giving her 60% of my gross so she does not have to move yet, probably screwing myself with taxes, and really trying hard to help. I am only doing this till we hear back about a re-finance. If that goes through or fails then we will need to make hard decisions. I hope that it does go through but I fear it will not and I think she needs to start planing where she is going to move. She is so oblivious though. It is sad I can do nothing about it.

Taking out of the picture the fact I have not fought the restraining order yet, things are going alright otherwise. I get to see the kids reasonable amount of time once a week. I am going to try and get more when things finalize. Still have not seen the dogs. Boo. We will see how things work out.

Everything else I kind of feel like I do things but am unsure why. Like taking walks or shit like that. Perhaps I do not need to know the reason for everything but I sure as hell want to.

Thursday, May 29, 2014


The waiting is killing.

I dunno. Some days everything seems alright and then other days I am like "What am I old lonely dude?".

I keep busy but do things mostly alone. Come home to my alone apartment. It's weird. While I would segregate myself downstairs a lot before there were always people "there".. the kids would be upstairs.. we would interact or something. Sometimes it would be too much. Other times alright. Now it is just me.

Wife is playing so dirty it's not even cool. Like signing an agreement to have me see the kids the next four Saturdays when she knows that she is going away the next Saturday. Switching dates and times at the last minute. Hell I do not even know if I am going to see the kids this weekend.

I have been exercising. Taking better care of myself. Court date is coming up. I do not know what to expect then either. Like does the judge make all the decisions? What do I need to prepare. I have a few things I am going to prepare even though my lawyer is not telling me to. I want to have a signed note by a CPA saying how much exactly my taxes every month is. Wife thought those were "optional" and I do not want the judge saying "yeah you gross that much pay extra".. I also do not want to get in trouble with taxes since I have finally cooled all that down.

I also need to work a plan for selling the house. If we just sell it or let it go then the feds will take their cut and there will be nothing left. If we can work together then we could probably walk away with some cash in our pockets.

I was nice and agreed to pay most of the bills until the court date.. but I get the feeling she is not paying the bills and just gonna run off with the money or something. Perhaps I am getting paranoid. It's all a fricken joke. I really do not care how it comes out but I want it over with so I can take stock and start my life again.

Anyways I should know more in like 20 days. Hopefully it turns out well. I am sure I will get back into doing things. I have in some ways. Drawing. Watching Anime. Exercising. Need to get out with people some more... but also been trying to save some money in case I need it for legal fees and what not. I feel like in a year things will be so much better. I will be in control. For now it's all turmoil and it is annoying.

People say "Don't be nice" "Screw her over".. and I see the point. I really do think every dollar that goes to me will benefit the kids more... but also in the short term if I don't at least help somewhat then they will have a hard time. So stuck in the middle. Things will get better. Someday.

Friday, May 23, 2014


Sorry. Nothing amazing to mention. My marine friend has shipped out. So I am all alone again. I have been jogging, and working out. I threw my back out Monday though. Ouch. Nothing serious just a muscle pull. I got totally loaded Wednesday night for the marine going away party. NEVER DRINK WITH A MARINE. Almost got kicked out of the restaurant for "talking" too loud. Had a fun time till I puked outside the cab. Thursday at work was rough. Ended on a good note eating some Ramen soup and feeling better. Going to end the week strong with some exercise, go Kayaking on the weekend.. work a little this weekend since the week has been a mess.

Last court date the wife lowers visitation by an hour. Kind of pissed me off. I mean I get 4 hours. Why do you wanna haggle and make it 3. She then agrees to make it all Saturdays and then is taking the kids to NH this weekend with what I "HOPE TO GOD" is her boyfriend. Life would work out so easy if he was.

I still have every decision on how to live my life open. Eat out. Eat at home. Cook? I have been mixing up eating out and eating tuna and spaghetti from the can and PB&J. I am not even sure why I do anything I do. One night I will just veg and watch TV and the next night I will grab my art book and draw shitty things. I am just learning.

Hit some pussy or masturbate. I mean the first one comes with all kinds of complications unless you pay for it. However it also can be good. Perhaps I should become a monk instead.

I am trying to save money and use it for better things. Rent is a bad thing. Electric. Cable. All just drains. Eating out too. I want to spend my money on having fun with the kids, saving for their education, having fun myself and having some sense of security where I could take a year off work if I wanted to. All those things seem like good goals.

I have a nice new art project. I want to draw the spider I described before. With it's mechanical legs of Rent, Cable, House, bills, etc.. latched onto a person... I need to improve my drawing 100000% to do that but I am going to do a first draft and then I can use it as a guide to my improvement.

Nothing else going on. Next court should be in June.

Monday, May 19, 2014

Walking Dead

Sorry. Not been writing as much as I hoped to be. Life is insanity right now. I dislike uncertainty and that is all I have at the moment. We go days in between that are better. Low stress. I run. I work out. I sprain my goddamn back. I work on my attitude. I try and figure out what is next. I am sort of like the walking dead. The cure is ahead but for now all I can do is walk in the lands of bleakness and grey.

The spider legs of the system have drawn me back in. I could live as a hobo. Those first few days I was ready to just cut and run. I felt like nobody was there for me. I felt the kids hated me. I started to buy the fake koolaide the wicked witch was selling. I then went out on a Saturday. Caught some fish with some smiling kids. They were fighting and annoying me the whole time. The oldest brought his friend. It was good though. Fish were caught. I was caught. So now the lease is signed. Utilities come next. Back into the grid at least tentatively.

It was a good experience living out of the car. Sort of a cleanse for the soul. It got me thinking about what I want my life to be about. It got me thinking about homeless people. I say hi to them now instead of staying in my shell. I don't know what the fuck I am doing. Why talk to homeless people? Is that me? I dunno. Not really a people person. Couple of court dates come. Nothing is decided. Payments are made to keep the status quo. I think the witch has figured out her spell has backfired. Life is going to change for me for sure... but unfortunately for her too.

I am sure she is stressing at least as much as I am. I feel bad. I feel guilty. Everything is going to change. It's a good thing but with all birth and life and change there is pain. So I walk. I try and figure things out. I want this to end. Everything is setting up well though. I have a place till Jan. Most of the court issues should clear up by then. I think the picture will come in and I can react to that. Until then I keep walking dead. Waiting for the cure.

Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Prison Life

I know this blog is flittering everywhere. Future and past tense getting all messed up. It all depends on what I feel like writing at the time. Always for me writing has been cathargic and a good release. I spent 10 days out on the mean streets of Boston (suburbs). I actually enjoyed the experience. I have a little bit of a new appreciation for people struggling with homelessness. It was nice to spend some time with only survival as the need. No television. No computer. Just me. The cold. The wild darkness. Escape from the light bearers. I really think I could live that way forever.

I then had to face reality. I have kids. The kids love me. I can not just abandon them. I love them too. Even if they piss me off sometimes. Even if I am not the worlds best dad. I really do care about them. I doubt a judge would really like to give any kind of visitation to someone living in a car. Reality sucked me back into the grid.

Life to me has always been a mix of everything going terribly wrong and everything working out the way it should. I can't say I have been happy much in my life. However that could all be just attitude. I really do feel like I am being watched over by something or someone. I am not very religious. I am a seeker though. I find it hard to believe everything is an accident.

Now I am re-attached to the grid. A buddy of mine is shipping out for Marine training till Jan. So I am taking over his lease until then.. then I can decide what to do permanently. I hope things are much more settled by then. After years of being a prisoner I am not sure what to do with my freedom. So many choices now. I need to decide things every day. What to spend money on. Do I want a better apartment or do I want to spend money differently. After years of wasting so much time, money, effort, energy, what do I want for life? Do I like drawing? Perhaps. Do I want to do my laundry at the coin-op or pay extra 4 bucks to do wash and fold. What do I save? Where do I cut? Do I go all Fuel and live like a ballah. I need to figure out what I want. Right now low stress is the main thing. Should I go to Cancun? Do I eat good stuff? Do I want to use a gas stove? Do I need a microwave? When do I exercise? When do I leave for work? Should I jog in the mornings with the sexy co-eds?

Everything is a choice with consequences and benefits. In some ways I sort of want to go back to "jail". It was much simpler in some ways. Ack. At least with choice there comes opportunity. I have some ideas of how I want to live. Some things I want to do. It will fall in place. Or not. At least I am free.