I know this blog is flittering everywhere. Future and past tense getting all messed up. It all depends on what I feel like writing at the time. Always for me writing has been cathargic and a good release. I spent 10 days out on the mean streets of Boston (suburbs). I actually enjoyed the experience. I have a little bit of a new appreciation for people struggling with homelessness. It was nice to spend some time with only survival as the need. No television. No computer. Just me. The cold. The wild darkness. Escape from the light bearers. I really think I could live that way forever.
I then had to face reality. I have kids. The kids love me. I can not just abandon them. I love them too. Even if they piss me off sometimes. Even if I am not the worlds best dad. I really do care about them. I doubt a judge would really like to give any kind of visitation to someone living in a car. Reality sucked me back into the grid.
Life to me has always been a mix of everything going terribly wrong and everything working out the way it should. I can't say I have been happy much in my life. However that could all be just attitude. I really do feel like I am being watched over by something or someone. I am not very religious. I am a seeker though. I find it hard to believe everything is an accident.
Now I am re-attached to the grid. A buddy of mine is shipping out for Marine training till Jan. So I am taking over his lease until then.. then I can decide what to do permanently. I hope things are much more settled by then. After years of being a prisoner I am not sure what to do with my freedom. So many choices now. I need to decide things every day. What to spend money on. Do I want a better apartment or do I want to spend money differently. After years of wasting so much time, money, effort, energy, what do I want for life? Do I like drawing? Perhaps. Do I want to do my laundry at the coin-op or pay extra 4 bucks to do wash and fold. What do I save? Where do I cut? Do I go all Fuel and live like a ballah. I need to figure out what I want. Right now low stress is the main thing. Should I go to Cancun? Do I eat good stuff? Do I want to use a gas stove? Do I need a microwave? When do I exercise? When do I leave for work? Should I jog in the mornings with the sexy co-eds?
Everything is a choice with consequences and benefits. In some ways I sort of want to go back to "jail". It was much simpler in some ways. Ack. At least with choice there comes opportunity. I have some ideas of how I want to live. Some things I want to do. It will fall in place. Or not. At least I am free.