Sunday, May 13, 2007

Seven - Deadly Sins

I got tagged for a meme by several people who should know better.. so blame them.

1. I think I masturbated too much as a teenager.. I used to work that knob 8-9 times a day at least.. sometimes more.. sometimes it would even bleed. I think I had hormonal issues. Of course now that I am old and know how to use it I am ready to be done in 5 seconds. Of course my experience allows me to use other parts of my body to please the ladies.

2. Speaking of Sex.. I MUST go to sleep after I come. Do not talk to me! Do not do anything. You can cuddle. However I will be snoring in about 3.5 seconds. Is this normal? I think it is from over stimulation during sex.. when I come my whole brain explodes into a million bright fragments of light.. sort of like a seizure. It is amazing.

3. Since we are focusing on Sex my first experience was with someone I did not like at all. She was fat and ugly. Now I like the fat ladies.. they are fiiiinneee.. but her personality was pathetic. I think she had the IQ of a rat. I got VERY VERY DRUNK and fucked her DURING her period. When I shot my load she asked if I wanted to go again.. now I was so shit faced I did not know what she was saying so I paused.. now this is NOT the way to get fucked again. All in all I am very disappointed in my first sexual experience.

4. I used to be such a fucking pyro it is not even funny.. flame.. pretty.. ooooh...
I torched a building in 6th grade.. It was by accident. I was tossing matches in the basement and they caught on the leaves. I blamed another kid and he got in trouble because I was such a good kid.

HOWEVER surprisingly enough this was not my first fire. When I was eight or so I was playing with matches in my bedroom. I dropped one in the trash can and all of a sudden a huge fire blossomed. Instead of being smart and telling my parents I went out in the living room and hoped it went away. I had this huge shit eating grin on my face. Lucky my parents smelled the smoke and put the trash can out.

Nor is this my only two experiences with fire. I have many more including lighting a forest on fire and a trash dumpster. We can save those for later though.

5. I love reading. When I was not masturbating as a kid I was reading. Yank. Read. Yank. Read. That was my life. I read fairly fast and usually finish 200-300 page book in 2-3 days. I used to have a collection of over 1500 books and also collected comic books. I sold my books when I moved into my latest house because I did not want to move with them again. I am probably down to a few hundred now.

Our family was poor so I used to steal books so I could read. I guess they never told me about the library. I finally got caught stealing when I was a little older and never stole again.

6. Everything I learned about making love to a woman I learned from porn movies. I assume these guys know what they are doing as all the ladies enjoy my caress. If it was not for porn I probably would not be married today. See kid's porn does ruin your life.

7. I have lived in the same state for my entire life. I actually would not mind divorcing my wife and running away to Vegas.. however even with all our problems I love my kids and do not want them to have to grow up with nothing. Divorce is expensive! So I am probably going to stay married for another 14 years unless I die of a heart attack first. I am working on the second option but no luck so far.

Even though I am not in love with my wife anymore.. and she is a very nice person.. and probably should never have married her.. I doubt I will ever cheat on her. Man am I stupid.

Peace out. Blame Jewels and Raveen.


Blogger Pauly said...

You never struck me as the type of guy who would both set fires and fuck a chick on the rag.

7:06 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Is Waffles really Beevis?

7:43 PM

Blogger Heavy Critters said...

I may leave my wife for Waffles because we have so much in common.

I love you Waffles! You're thhhuper!

8:44 PM

Blogger Unknown said...

Waffles have you appeared on "Cops" before?

Just curious.

7:21 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...


8:32 AM

Blogger Eric a.k.a. Bone Daddy said...

I think I need to change my vegas plans so I'm out of town before teh 8th...And I'm not shaking your hand.

9:57 AM

Blogger smokkee said...


11:12 AM

Blogger bayne_s said...

When does the "Share a Room with Waffles" Contest begin?

11:15 AM

Blogger Buddy Dank said...


So how about this weather we're having?

11:18 AM

Blogger mookie99 said...

I didn't think anything could top your "100 things about me".

Boy was I wrong.

1:59 PM

Blogger PokahDave said...

Dude! You are so fucked up.....the truth IS stranger than fiction. LOfnLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!

2:17 PM

Blogger Love_elf said...

Okay, umm, I'm getting my Ph. D. in Clinical Psych, and even I'M not sure how to respond....LOL

But, I do know that Pyromania is a, um, sexual dysfunction.

See ya in Vegas you big Sicko!

hugs & kisses,

7:13 PM

Blogger Pseudo_Doctor said...


7:56 PM

Blogger TripJax said...

bloody p makes me laugh

11:01 AM

Blogger Jules said...

really...I knew I should be worried.

but I love you anyway.

4:47 AM

Blogger FishyMcDonk said...


12:17 PM

Blogger Theresa said...

I thought I was the only one who wrote fucked up confessionals. Great stuff!

2:40 PM


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