I am trying to change the way I am. It is kind of scary because I am sort of used to being me. I like myself to some degree. I kind of reached a nice point in early November or Late October. I was actually feeling some kinda thing ... I think it was happiness or maybe just peace.
The technique I am using to change is to stop the negativity and project good thoughts and expect good outcomes. Instead of going to places and expecting the worst I try and project positive thoughts. For instance when I went and played Poker with Josie I would catch myself bemoaning my bad luck.. and just tell myself that I am not unlucky, this is how the game works, and I am an awesome poker player.
It is hard to keep positive though. I will be walking down the street thinking about how I should be nicer to people and some guy will ride his bike like 10 feet away from me and all of the sudden my brain will go "YOU FUCKING IDIOT RIDING ON THE SIDEWALK YOU BETTER NOT COME CLOSER TO ME OR I WILL FUCKING BUST YOUR SKULL INTO THE PAVEMENT YOU FUCKING MONKEY!". Of course I will then say "Doh, I am supposed to be nice right?".
So it is a constant struggle. Right now I am on the downside but feel a bit motivated and am trying to get out of the normal holiday funk. Peace.