Downslide

I feel the end of year blahs. Feeling like I am on a big down slide right now. Hence the lack of posting. I have so much to do and I keep putting it off.

One thing that sucked recently yet was good in a way is my eyes were opened to how much I really do not get people. Every day it just becomes more apparent. For instance we had a holiday party and I forced myself to go. I have not been to one in six years being here. I have now been to two in the last six months.

So I get my drink on and start talking to people. One person who I considered a friend and who I thought I talked to somewhat was like "Wow man, you never talked to me before". It was just a total perception difference. I figured saying "hi" every like four weeks and looking at her chess playing was like good interaction.. and she thought I never talked to her.

Another person I work with confirmed it too.. like "For the first few months you never talked to me".. yet, I thought I was friendly, and talking to people. Now I guess I know I am just retarded.

The interesting one was with the wife though. I went to my shrink and told her about my divorce for dummies plans and all that. She asked me "Are you sure your wife knows you want to really get divorced?". I figured we talked about it a lot and we were on the same page, and this divorce for dummies thing made it obvious I wanted to do it now. The shrink was really like "Are you sure?" and I was positive.

So somehow we got into a conversation about this at home and she was all like "Why the rush right now? I thought you wanted to stay together for the kids for the next four years?"... it just was really odd. I just never considered that I was not clear that this was not working out. So she told me she was not moving to an apartment with the kids. She would rather have a bad apartment herself and send them to boarding school... which was really weird... and then she started talking about roaches in apartments and shit like that. I am pretty sure decent apartments are clean. It just really kind of threw me for a loop.

She also talked about getting a cheaper house and me co-signing for it. I am not opposed to this if it makes it so the kids can go to the same school. I asked her to figure out how much of a budget she thought she could afford, and how much she thought she would need from me monthly to live in a cheaper house but she has not gotten back to me yet. Run the numbers. Do the math. Not sure it works out.

So anyways... been in a funk. Neither kid wants to live with me. I can not interact with people. Life is crap. Hopefully I turn things around next year.