Thursday, March 31, 2005

Sir Waffles Status

Alright, there has been a lot of confusion about the state of Sir Waffle and if anything this Blog is the god’s honest truth blog no matter what. So here is the chronological timeline of the story I like to call “Watch what you say, you might regret it”, or “March: The Month I love to Hate”.

Some of you who have read the Blog know that my life has not been extremely happy before March and there are a lot of stresses in it. I have issues with the Wifey. I have no energy, probably a sign of depression, so it effects what I can do with the kids. I have financial stresses. A lot of shit was going on before March.

After my birthday on March 8th, my dad passed away. I am not sure how much this affected me but it had to in some way. It adds to me being sad just knowing that he will not be around. March definitely did not start out great. Little did I know it was going to get worse.

One night my wife and I are hanging out in our bed and our son is acting up. So I decide to carry him into his room and put him in a timeout. I had warned him a few times and had enough. He starts crying and screaming and so my wife interferes and does not let me put him in timeout. Well this really set me off. I have no idea how much other stress related issues factored into this but I felt myself lose control and started yelling at the top of my lungs. I come from a long line of yellers and when I am that out of control I know better than to stay around the object of my anger. So I storm down the hallway yelling who knows what and when I hit the stairs I yell “Sometimes I wish I could kill you!” Now in hindsight this probably was not the right wording to use. I think something along the lines of “Sometimes I wish you would catch a cold” might have been a better choice. I can only say I had no intent to hurt my wife. It was like when you were a kid and got into a fight and said “Im gonna kill you”, when you really did not mean it. If that makes any sense. I also was smart enough to not want to do something like punch her so I took myself out of the situation. I went downstairs and hop on the avoidance machine, Party Poker, and start playing. My wife and kids leave the house. My son says goodbye to me, and that he is going to bring me back something from dinner.

A few hours later while talking to April on IM and wondering where my wife might be I get a knock on the door. It is Dovers finest serving me with a restraining order for the weekend. Oh goodie. So I grab some clothes, the computer, and my jacket and I am out. I was going to go to my buddy John’s house, but I really did not feel like being with people.

My wife and mother talked a little bit and Michele was going to drop the restraining order in court. At this time I was not allowed to talk to her. However some bitch from the court decides she must be saved from the evil monster and convinces her that DSS is going to take the kids away if she lets me come back. I tell the judge the whole truth and she extends the restraining order until September. I can talk with my wife on the phone now however. It is really great to be found dangerous with no prior record of anything more extreme than J-Walking.

Now at this point I was really expecting to come back home. I can not really tell you how devastating this new restraining order was. It really has put me in a funk. I will tell you that none of this has been any help to anyone. All this does is put additional financial burdens on our family, I.E. ME, and cause more stress. In addition I get to go from really sad all the time, to what is there to live for sad. It is really true that you never know how bad it can get until you get there. The other ludicrous thing about this order is that it really protects nobody. If I really wanted to kill my wife the restraining order would not stop me. The only people it stops are basically the good ones that said things that they regret. So anyway thanks Judge, let’s isolate and put more stress on the already depressed guy.

Anyhow the rain just kept falling. After I went to Easter dinner with my mother and sister I end up blowing my car engine on the way home. The Sheraton I am staying in ends up catching fire. In addition my job was supposed be ending tomorrow however I got a ten day reprieve. I really can not wait for this month to end.

I feel really out of touch and sad but I am getting better. It only took me two hours to get ready this morning. In addition this whole experience is impossible to ignore no matter how much Party Poker I play. I have shed tears for the first time in ten years. I turned those damn things off in High School! I have no idea how they came back.

The meeting with DSS and the kids is on Monday so I should be able to find out if I can come home after that. Since Tuesday is several days away, and since my friend John has a lot of booze, I am going to try and stay with him through next week. If it turns out I need more time I will probably look for something more permanent.

I have also set up an appointment to talk to someone, not only about this, but about my whole entire life. Hopefully things look up soon. A funny story about shrinks though. When you call them and say your wife thinks you might be suicidal they do not call you back. I guess it looks bad on there record if you kill yourself when they are counseling you. I swear. The best appointment I could get was for Tuesday. One doctor who knows the circumstances of the case does not want to see me. Several others waited a few days to call me back and had full schedules. I guess they were waiting to see if I was serious.

So life has kicked me in the nuts. Not the good Poker nutz either. I am not going to say that things can not get worse because I know they can. Not sure how well I would handle that. I am hanging in there for now though. Thanks for all of your support.

So that’s the honest truth the way you have come to expect it.


Blogger Pauly said...

Man, hang in there dude.

6:15 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Right now the most important thing for you to do is to put your feet on the ground each morning and step forward - one step at a time, even if you don't know why or care to. Just do it. Get to the shrink - they *can* help you sort through this. I know - have been there, kiddo.

6:27 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am praying for you and your family. This must be a very difficult time. May whatever God you believe in be with you on your journey.


8:17 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good luck man.


10:23 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Classic SirFWALGMan post. Thanks for the honesty. I'm glad to hear you got an appointment to talk to someone about this shit storm. Takes a bigger man to ask for help than to hide from reality. Good luck bud. Hope to see you bustin fools with "da move" at the tables soon.


11:01 PM

Blogger Mourn said...

God damn man.

I'll echo what Maudie said, and even though I've never experienced a deep depression, I know you have to fix yourself before you can fix your relationships or your job or anything else.

Don't do anything rash until you get your head on straight.

Hang in there, you can emerge on the other side of this.

4:37 AM

Blogger Erin said...

I know where you are right now, although I'm on the other side (I'm the wife) but believe me it helps to write in the blog and it is great that you also can be so honest. Although I agree you will make great strides by seeing someone "professional" it just helps to think positively. I really do hope you get to go back home and see your kids soon. Its hard not to say angry things when you're upset, and I know how it can be mistaken for something bad. Good luck, and I hope everything works out for you.

7:00 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hang in there brother. Lots of people are on your side.


7:08 AM

Blogger Felicia :) said...

While in the midst of my own storm, I had no idea that this was happening with you. I'm sorry.

I have never experienced some of the things you are going through, but I have had some rough times, so I can empathize with your plight.

If you need anything, please feel free to IM me, you know where I am, and I am almost always there.

8:34 AM

Blogger Ignatious said...

hang tough sir. it takes alot of character to write about this kinda stuff so openly.

this too shall pass...

10:14 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh my.

I can't think of anything to say that doesn't sound trite or repetitive. So, some advice from someone from your neck of the woods that was a lot a smarter than either of us:

Let not a man guard his dignity, but let his dignity guard him.
Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803 - 1882)


3:14 PM

Blogger Mr Subliminal said...

Double ditto all the above.

6:30 PM

Blogger Slayre said...

hang in there.. best of luck to you...

peace and love

5:21 AM


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