Cooking Like Astin

In my new series cooking like Astin I will attempt to rip off his ever popular cooking blog and teach my readers how to cook. I take no responsibility for any food poisoning that may occur.

Today we will start with a difficult subject. I like to call it the "Ham Sandwich". I know this advanced of a topic may turn some of you off but Astin has set the bar very high and we must rise up to the challenge. Be aware this is a multi-step process and involves sharp instruments like knives. It is not for the faint at heart.

Step one you must retrieve two slices of bread from the fridge. Not one slice as this will allow your hands to become dirty. Not three slices as this usually would make a dry sandwich. If you are making a double decker sandwich you could use three slices but we are not covering that today. The bread usually will be on the counter or in the refrigerator. Bread is normally closed with a thing called a tie. You must untwist this device. Normally this takes a few seconds to a few minutes for a stubborn tie.

Pro Tip #1: The tie should now be thrown away. The tie is a useless device made so that your wife can nag you about not putting the tie back on the bread. It only causes the sandwich making process to take longer. You should flip the plastic of the container underneath the bread and place it on the shelf so it stays in place throwing the tie in the garbage so your wife can not reuse it.

Now that you have gotten the bread you can collect the other ingredients. Normally I enjoy wheat bread as it makes the poopies come regularly but you can use white bread.

Next you must retrieve the HAM. This is a very key ingredient. Now I know what you are saying. You have seen a lot of pigs and that beast will not fit on these little pieces of bread. I was scared my first time too. However it appears that the super market where you buy the ham has people who CUT THE HAM INTO SLICES. You should specifically ask for this service. Do not attempt this by yourself. I suggest you go up to the counter. If people are in front of you cut them. It shows that you have initiative and will be rewarded. Say in your loudest most command voice "Boy.. Yes, You Boy.. Cut me some Ham!". The child behind the counter will be so impressed by your commanding presence that he will give you the ham. I suggest about a quarter pound for a sandwich.

While you are at it you can command him to get you some cheese also. Again about a quarter pound should be good. If you are making several sandwiches that week you can go up to a half a pound. I enjoy a nice foreigner cheese. While I would not want to go to some piss hole foreign country like Canada or Swiss Land they do make a good cheese. I suggest the Swiss Cheese for its tangy taste. There are dozens of cheeses to choose from though.

So now what do we do with these slices of ham and cheese. We must combine them. This sounds more difficult than it is. Basically you put both pieces of bread on the counter. I then suggest the technique of adding the ham and cheese to one of the pieces of bread. Usually I use the left side but if you are a commie pinko lefty then you could put the ham and cheese on the right side. Normally the slices of ham and cheese are going to be BIGGER than the bread so you should fold them in half.

PRO TIP #2 It is normally a good idea to touch the ham before you put it on your sandwich. If it is slimy, green, and smelly then it MIGHT be out of date. One time I forgot to do this step and puked for four days. If it has just one of these symptoms then you should be fine.

Now we must add the condiments. No, not condoms. Plastic does not mix with your sandwich. Condiments are things like ketchup and mustard for fancy people. I prefer to use mustard with ham. You can use a foo foo mustard like Grey Poopon if you would like to add some upper crust fancy pantsyness to your sandwich. The working man such as myself chooses good ole American French's mustard. I know. I know. It sounds like some asswipe french mustard but it is not.

The mustard should be applied to the right piece of bread assuming you used the proper technique of cheese and ham on the left side. Once you apply a couple of dabs of mustard you can close the sandwich. It is much easier to flip the mustard side of the bread onto the ham side. Be careful not to add too much mustard. You can only perfect this with practice but if mustard is gushing out the sides of your sandwich you need to use less.

Pro Tip #3 If you do over pack your sandwich with mustard here is where those years of pussy eating come back to help you. At least those years of watching pussy being eaten in porno's. You can lick the mustard off the sides of your sandwich. Be gentle yet forceful.

So this concludes the first of many lessons in cooking like Astin. I know we probably went a little far for some of you but we needed to bring a difficulty level to match this chef of the great white north. Please feel free to leave suggestions for the next recipe as we always appreciate user feedback.