Thursday, March 29, 2012

25 Things Part Whatev

First some things I was wondering and things I have to take care of. Carmel baby how you doing. I got a question. Did you ever get Grouchie to go out to a gay bar with you and if so do you have a funny story about this? If not then some other funny bar place you dragged him to. I am just curious...

Gary buddy. I have not forgotten you. I have not started the exercise and I can not think of a good contest that does not involve one of us failing.

The number of posts I have is 2945. Not too bad. I thought it might be more.

Now for 25 of the most ridiculous, funny, embarrassing, things I can think to tell you. A lot of these I am sure I have mentioned before.

1. The first chick I had intercourse with was when I was 21 or so. I went over her house and we all got drunk at this party. She dragged me into her room and we fucked. She then asked me if I wanted to fuck her again. I was so shit faced I hesitated and she got PIIIISSSSEEED off and kicked me out of her bed. As a side note she was on her period.

2. I actually had a few chances to get laid before this chick. One girl and I used to go into the woods or behind buildings and strip and she would stroke my cock. I was very bad and inexperienced at sex and did not know what to do. I kind of tried to finger her but I was not very good at it. She might have been a virgin too... I assume that would make it harder to finger her although I have no idea... See I am kind of a n00b.

3. I had another shot to sleep with a chick but she disgusted me. I actually was not going to let this stand in my way but once I got her naked she just sat there. I mean she did not even move. Just naked like a board.. So I said fuck this and I kicked her out of my house.

4. After the first chick it would be like 6-7 years to the next chick. I really needed to meet someone like Josie when I was 18. That chick would end up being my wife. Somehow between chick number one and tons of experience with the wife I finally figured out how all those porn movies worked and I was gooooood.

5. With the wife she had to basically attack me to get sex. I was shy. I was washing the dishes after dinner and she comes up behind me and sticks her hand down my pants. FUCK YA! I get her onto the couch and I start doing what I thought I should.. like fingering her.. and then all this wet stuff comes out on my hand and I instinctively say "ewwwww". Somehow I still got to fuck her. I improved over time and before long we were fucking in the car, the woods, all over the house with the threat of her roommates coming home, we were like crazy rabbits.

6. Since then I have been with a few other women.. still less than 10 on my score card. Each one seemed to have an amazing time. I never cheated on the wife while married.. we agreed a few years ago we could see other people and that is when I slept with a few more women.

7. The freakiest chick I have slept with at this time was a chick that fucked a bottle, in a room, in front of a bunch of dudes, on video tape. If you have a freakier story let me know!

8. I am a horny motherfucker. When I was 18 I would masturbate like 15 times a day until my dick was raw and I could not go anymore. How come nobody told me about lubrication? Today I have slowed down and only have the urge like 5-6 times a day. My dick goes up at the gust of the wind. I am cutting down on masturbation because orgasms are so much better when you have stored up for them.

9. My sperm is like ultra potent. I spewed my load inside my wife twice without a condom and ended up with two kids.

10. Some days I want to try every fucking crazy ass sexual thing with all different types of women to make up for not being a man slut in my youth. Other times I think women are insane and I would be insane to want to have anything to do with them. I am sure the sweet spot is somewhere in the middle.

11. I am still too shy about picking up women. I am getting better though. A couple of woman ago I got really touchy feely with on the first date and that went awesome. The last chick I went out with was a co-worker. I asked her if she wanted to go out for beers. I stroked her legs and back... but then she got cold feet and it did not work out. However I was a ballah and had a good time and I asked her out so I am moving in the right direction.

12. I really hate rejection. I think I take it too personal. This is why I have trouble asking women out. I also grew up thinking they were little special princesses on pedestals. I still think they are pretty special but not some unapproachable creatures. Perhaps by the time I get to 80 I will be a playah.

13. I used to love to draw. I bought all kinds of kids art books. I also LOVED to draw buildings like churches. I think I have lost the ability to draw a straight line over the years. I used to be alright at it but my perspective was always slightly off.

14. I have lived in the same state for all my life. I am a true homer and a fan of all the teams. In order Patriots, Red Sox, Celtics, Bruins. It has been a good few years to be a Boston fan! Sometimes I think I should experience other places but I really have no desire besides the occasional trip to Vegas.

15. I have pretty bad relationship with my family. It is mostly indifference. I just do not feel we ever bonded and I really have no desire to do so now. On the other side I totally adore and love my children more than anything. I think some of my relationship with my parents makes it hard for me to express that sometimes.

16. My mom is a liar. She did not take me to the doctor and my eardrum ruptured. I never found this out until late in life. They killed my dog and told me it was on a farm. I just think it's ridiculous. My sister is a thief and has stolen my credit cards several times including once from a receipt on a Christmas gift I gave her.

17. I have been depressed for my whole life I think. At least I can not really remember being happy. I felt "bored" as a kid which I think was depression. Jr. High and High School was hell and very depressing. The last 5-6 years it has gotten really bad. To the point where I have become more dysfunctional every year.

18. On the good side I feel like I am coming out of the worst of the depression and going back to normal depression. I might get some therapy sometime. I have no issues with doing this except I do not think it works and I hate the idea of being medicated. I am trying to change my opinions and go ahead and do it.

19. I REALLY hate medication. I do not take aspirin, or anything else. I have occasionally smoked a joint but I was always scared to take anything harder. I thought if I took LSD I would be in my job one day and get some flashback and strip naked and dance on the conference table or something. Even worse I thought maybe I would be on drugs and not know I was on drugs because they hazed my thinking so much I did not know.

20. I have a good imagination. I live in Waffles world which may be slightly different to reality but I enjoy it.

21. I have a lot of esteem issues. I think I suck and am ugly and worthless and why would anyone be my friend. I am trying to get past those.

22. I used to be REALLY accident prone. I have like 5 sets of stitches, I cut my wrists by accident once, I broke my arm three times. I think the bones were partly because I was born premature. At least I was always told I was behind on the growth scale and my bones were weaker or something.

23. I am a decent programmer. I am self taught. I would not say I am the best or smartest but I know how to get things done and I know how to make them work without breaking in a quick amount of time. I really love my job and love losing myself in code. I have worked as a contractor for the past 20 years without being out of work for more than a week so something is working.

24. I am trying to be a better person. I think I get angry too much. I tend to quit on things. I have a lot to work on and I am trying to start thinking through things more and getting into a better mind frame. I think a lot of that is done by just meditating on good things and checking yourself internally a lot.

25. I hate dancing. I am too self conscious for it. I feel like everyone is watching me and I totally have no rhythm. I am however easy to get drunk and I have no idea what is going to happen when I am drunk. I am a friendly drunk. I might say anything at any time. I could even dance! I could get feeling good / semi-drunk on two beers. See, I told you I was easy.

Feel free to ask any questions you may have. Peace.


Blogger Josie said...

I knew 21 of 25 of these. The bottle girl kinda horrifies me. Does that make you the cork? lol

Carmel baby! Tell us a grrrouchie story!!!

6:14 PM

Blogger Carmel said...

After 5 years, I have many embarrassing stories about him. Waffles, yes I have taken him to a gay bar. It involved a guy dress entirely in latex and wearing goggles. I will work on it this week.

9:00 PM

Blogger Carmel said...

Want to hear about the time I made him cry when I discovered his balls?

9:01 PM

Blogger lightning36 said...

We're getting waaaaay too much information about grrouchie ...

9:07 PM

Blogger Carmel said...

Lightning is was funny, to me! I just might have to tell it. Here's the premise. I was just out of a relationship with a lady. I had sex with guy before, mostly drunk in the dark. One day in broad day light I saw balls for the first time. I was enthralled, like a kitten with a ball of string, claws and all. Poor guy. He'll never be the same again

9:21 PM

Blogger Josie said...

Lol lightning I just posted that same comment about grrouchie on my blog.

9:22 PM

Blogger Josie said...

Carmel has a point. Balls are captivating.

9:23 PM

Blogger Carmel said...

So Josie, Waffles what you're saying is I can't take either of you to the club? BOOOOOOO.
Waffles, I think we're the same kind of crazy. Seriously, I used to masturbate like ten times a day until whoever I was dating go home.

9:24 PM

Blogger Carmel said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

9:46 PM

Blogger grrouchie said...

Kinda scares me that everyone wants carmel to dump some stories of us for the world to read!

4, 5, 11, and 12 all feel very familiar to me - we do have a lot in common.
Including the whole "depression" thing, though I don't really know how long mine has been around for, I know it's an on again off again kind of thing.

10:58 PM

Blogger Carmel said...

They are very nice friends, wanting me to embarrass you :)

3:25 AM

Blogger Josie said...

Carmel. I cannot imagine waffles in a gay

3:40 AM

Blogger Carmel said...

Oh Josie! You haven't seen the patrons lately. There are grown ass men, like in their 60s there! Real square looking folks. The kind you would see in church.

4:12 AM

Blogger SirFWALGMan said...

Grouchie and I are besties! lol. Sorry Grouchie!

7:12 AM

Blogger Carmel said...

Oh Waffles,I have a bar story for you. Before I give it up, I want something in return! Ain't nothing free in this world. Do I get to take to to one so I can have another story of a fish out of water?

7:23 PM

Blogger Josie said...

Carmel, 60's and square is one thing, WAFFLES is quite another. I think he'd have to be drunk before he got there.

8:05 AM


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