Monday, October 07, 2013

It's like..

It's like two people live inside of me. No I do not hear them talking.

One is calm and peaceful and plays his cards or does the right thing.

Then the other one gets fed up. Jacks not holding up enough. Plans not working. It all stays inside for a while and everything is good... and then one day BOOOOM! Rant. I really wish that other guy would not expect things and just go with everything and make things happen.

Wednesday, October 02, 2013

On Being A Dad

It's hard being a good dad after many years of being a bad dad.

I am trying to change and obviously there is resistance. Tonight I came home and instituted a new house rule: No Verbally Abusing People. My daughter routinely calls my son and me idiots. She likes her mom. My son routinely calls everyone every swear in the book. I sat the kids down and explained that this is not allowed anymore. I said the punishment is 24 hours without your iPad. My son then promptly decided to test the new rule and called me a bitch. So I took his iPad away.

The next half hour was full of several nice things. Him throwing stuff around his room and trying to push me and grab my broken hand. Him swearing at me more. If you swear again you lose it for 24 hours more. He then asked what I lose if I swear at people. I told him this is about him and not us. I told him I would change my ways but the house rules are for the children and us parents make the rules. Obviously this is unfair but so is life.

I then got the whole guilt trip about how I swear all the time and how for the past years I have shown a bad example. All true. I agreed with him and told him we were changing our ways. We were not going to live like this anymore. His mom then came in and agreed with him. Said I should cut him a break for tonight. I think the most important part of this is to be firm so I will not be cutting any breaks. She told me how I have taught him all this and it is my fault. I did not disagree. I just stated calmly that this was not going to be the way our house was anymore.

I told him that I love him and do not want to see him arrested when he loses his temper and hits someone, or swears at the wrong person and gets shot.

He wanted to know why I suddenly wanted to make all these rules (I also implemented chores for electrical use a few weeks back, I need to be more firm on keeping to this). I told him I am trying to change and read some parenting magazines and want to become a better parent.

I probably argued too long. Finally I pulled myself out of the situation by saying "Listen. This is not up for debate. These are the rules. You will live by them. I am not arguing with you. You can have your iPad back in 24 hours." and went downstairs to my cave home.

I sort of feel good about all of this and yet I really want to cry. So anyways it is tough being a good dad. I think I can do a lot of good in the years I have left to fix my fuckup. Just needed to mind dump. Thanks for listening.

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Free Fall Revelations

Today I was at the top of a ladder. Normally this might not be such a dangerous endeavor but my skills with the ladder are lacking. I can prove this to you if you want with some photos of my ladder nearly perpendicular to the ground as I worked upon it. I think I knew how to use a ladder at one point in my life.

I was sitting at the top of the ladder extremely terrified trying to bang some nails in to fix some woodpecker damage. It was a little hard to do as my left fist was clutching the ladder until my knuckles became white. Holding the nail and hammering it in with one hand is a skill I have not developed yet. I kept thinking why am I doing this? Why don't I just hire some guy to do it? It is going to end up fucked up anyways and I will probably hire someone to finish it. What am I doing on top of this ladder?

It came to me. On top of that ladder I had a revelation. Praise Home Depot. I am doing this because I can. I owe it to my family. To my friends. To myself. I have been sitting on the bench for the past few years watching other people play the game. Wishing the coach would send me in. Now I am out there. I am on the field. Fighting for my life. Not on the sidelines wondering why we are losing.

The things I am doing may or may not be extremely productive. It may be cheaper, safer, and better to get someone else to do these things and focus on "more important" things. Except it is not. The doing is the important thing. The fact I am out there. I can get up. I can run. I can do something. I may not make a difference. We may still be losing 100-7. Just being out there makes a difference for me though. It makes a difference for my family and my friends and even for you fucktards waiting for the train to burst into flames, because lets be honest, it derailed a long time ago.

So I straightened up my back. Took my left hand off the ladder and I pounded those nails in. I finished the job. It was a job outside my comfort zone. It was a job done as well as I could do it. I did it for Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of happiness. I did it for my family. I did it for me and I am going to keep doing it.

Sunday, August 18, 2013

Things are going..

Things are going pretty well. The adderral is helping me out somewhat. It gives me some more focus. Sometimes I have trouble seeing the results. I need to remind myself that its doing good stuff. I looked back a little and it was somewhat encouraging. So today I took a day of rest. Here is the comparison.

4 Weeks ago - Spent Saturday playing Warcraft all day.

This Saturday -
Went to Store with Daughter to make jewelry. Store is owned by a friend I have not bothered seeing for like 10 years.
Cleaned up back yard
Chopped up the old mailbox post and the old basketball post
Went to Home Depot and got some stuff for fixing woodpecker holes
Ran 2 miles

Saturday 1 week ago -
Drove up to Rochester NY and saw a friend I have not seen for like 20 years. Went fishing. Caught a 26 pound Salmon.

Saturday 2 weeks ago -
Build a fence for the dogs

I am sure I did other things but you get the point. I need to still tackle the hard things but I am doing a lot. I am cleaning up things and fixing up the house. I am exercising.. Biking a few times a week and jogging on the weekends and doing pushups 3x a week. I am cleaning up stuff and vegging out less. I am connecting up with people a little more. So things are getting better. I still have issues and maybe need a higher dose.. but I think I am on the right track to being healthy. I will try and post more often but I have been kinda busy as you see.

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Meth For Life

Having trouble getting my prescription filled. Fuckers at the insurance want you to jump through hoops like a trained monkey. Having ADHD this is not easy for me to attack without my Meth. Luckily the wife wants me to be a meth addict so she worked it out for me. I just have to make a phone call now.

Took one of the kids meth today. Needed it to put a dog fence up. I am planning on putting an electric fence up. Outer fence would be electric with like 5 inches gap then inner plain fence. Not totally sure about the electric yet... but thinking about it... I mean who can resist a solar powered electric animal zapper! Bwahahahaha!

Meth makes me nicer to people. I think they should have this warning on the side of the bottle. Not sure how I feel about it.

I find my opinions about drugs and drug use totally changing as I become a meth head. I think the war on drugs is a fucking joke. If people want to feel good let them. Legalize everything. Bring the prices down so people do not need to steal, rape, and murder for their drugs. Have some sort of free counseling program with the focus of

1. Teach people to get along without drugs if they do not need them for a specific reason. Not talking about preaching to stop.. Just showing different coping mechanisms and counseling options.
2. Show people how to use these illicit drugs in such a way that they do not build up tolerances and can keep feeling good on low doses.
3. Diagnose real issues related to the why of people taking these drugs. Some people just want to have fun. Some people need to deal with real things like ADHD. Some people have childhood issues or other things. Help people understand why they need the drugs without being judgmental.

Part two will get people to go. :). Who does not want to learn to use better. I think it could work. Some people would get off drugs. Drug companies would make some money. The prices would go down. The government would make tax money. The crime rate would drop. Our prisons would empty. Shit Waffles for President.

I realized today why I hate Home Depot. Meth is GREAT for mind blowing revelations. Here it is. I am better than all of you at everything. I can make love to your girlfriend better than you ever have, I can play poker in ways you can not even dream of, I program computers better than anyone. I am a fucking monster who is way better than you at EVERYTHING. I then go into Home Depot and do not know the fucking right side of the goddamn hammer to use. In essence I become you. I hate you. I do not want to be you. Fuck you all. This is why I hate Home Depot.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Sparky Tines

Had a nice night with Osu and his lovely wife. Tragedy shot call involved too. Had fun. Met some people on the ride home. Became the conductor of the train. Announcing every stop and making commentary. Big round of applause when I exited the train.. not sure if it was for my entertainment or the fact that I finally left.Was fun either way.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013


Been a little down in the dumps this month. Part of my roller-coaster existence.

It did not help that I needed to get a new car this month. I had to settle for a 97 Lexus ES-300 complete with stylin' tape deck.

For you children out there who do not know what a tape deck is... once upon a time, instead of downloading music into your iPhone you had to put these plastic devices with plastic inside them into your musical player. The musical player was about 20 times heavier than the iPhone. If you were lucky and the musical player gods were on your side they would not eat your tape and you would not spend the next hour trying to pick the plastic out of your musical device. Just think of it like VooDoo magic, this is how us old people see your iPhones.

I feel kind of like a snobby asshole saying I "Only could get a 97 Lexus ES-300". In one way I think it is kind of good to see how the less fortunate people live. Of course Tony probably thinks I am rich. I think I should sleep in the park tonight to see how the REALLY unfortunate people live. Is bug spray cheating?

I also have been approved for meth consumption. I begin tonight or tomorrow on my journey to being seriously fucked up all the time. I have high hopes for this state.

I did find it funny the process used to get approved for the drugs. You basically go to a shrink. Fill out a 1 page document with no control questions. It is basically just check here if you want drugs. You then take home another 1 page document and have to tell some examples of your childhood where you showed symptoms. I assume you could easily lie. You then get drugs. I was so silly not believing in psychiatry.