Monday, June 24, 2013


Played a bit of Blackjack at Mohegan. Had fun. The Buffet at Mohegan is REALLY good and only costs $15. Was totally even after all the play.. and my friends wanted to leave... So I put the whole thing down on one hand. First card is a 3. Boo. Second card is an 8! WOOO! Dealer is showing a 9. I take a hit and get a 8. Ok. 19. We will split. Should I let it ride? Dealer turns over the down card and it's an Ace! NOOOOO!

Saturday, June 22, 2013


I love this shit.

I have been a good boy and not taken it since the last time. However I wanted to get things done today so I took one.

Here is the difference.

Before Pill:
Played Warcraft
Reluctantly Played with Dogs (tired)

Finished Deck project
Cleaned Counter
Put Away Dishes
Vaccumed Deck
Put Dirty Dishes in Dishwasher
Put stuff away
Took Out Trash and Recyclables
Played with Dogs (not reluctantly)
Got son drink

..and I have more plans..

Finish tearing down BBall Hoop
Go to Dump with trash from Yard
Fix Mailbox


The effect is slightly different this time. I am not experiencing the euphoric feeling. Perhaps because I am  not interacting with people and getting happy off of that.. but the fog has left my brain, I have tons of energy, I am being productive, and I fucking love this stuff!!!

Appointment is July 2nd. Hope I can get a prescription. I consulted with a second Doctor, after Dr. Pauly, and Dr. Miami Don says I fucking should totally go for it. Not worry about anything. So there. Two people with more drug experience than any doctor I am likely to see and both give it a thumbs up.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Quick Catchup

Weekend sucked for some reason. Got really stressed and anxious and exploded and melted down. Really needed to be alone but everyone kept making noise and I kept getting angrier and angrier. Really sucked. Took Monday off and almost stayed home today. Glad I went in though. Feeling better.

Took the dogs to my daughters lacrosse game. Felt like a dirty old man as all the little girls came up and played with my puppies. Sicko. There were a few nice MILFs too. It's nice when they bend over to pet the dogs and give you a nice view down their shirts.

Today was much better. I have a 5K (Actually 3.5 miles) this Thursday for Charity. This will be the first time I have ever run with a crowd. Not really my thing. However since my thing is not working I figured I would step outside my comfort zone and do something new.

I had been training until I got the dogs, and then it became really hard to find the time to run. My schedule was such a mess. So I spent two weeks without a single run. My longest run has been 2 miles. Tonight I needed to know if I was going to embarrass myself. So I set a goal of 4 miles. I kept tricking myself. Telling myself just one more mile.. and did the four miles. So much of running is cerebral. My muscles are like moosh right now. However I accomplished the run. I now know I can do it. My time was 1 hour for a 4 mile run and 1/2 mile walk. So I think I am around 12 minute mile which is alright. No matter what happens though I will have made my first PR in an actual race. Should be fun. Drank some protein drink tonight to try and regenerate the muscles faster. No more running until Thursday.

Have not tried any more adderral. I am considering all the options and if I want to take it or not. I have asked some friends about it. My personal doctor, Dr. McGuire thinks I should go for it. Be happy. Have fun. I am leaning towards that side. Other people have questioned if you should get happy from a pill. I understand this argument but I think I have a right to be happy for once in my life. I do not think it is weakness if that comes from a pill. This is a big change in thought for me. I will talk to my psych on July 2nd and then decide. I actually would love to talk to Miami Don also. He has dealt a lot with this kind of thing and probably has some good insight.

I will let you know how the race goes on Thursday. Until then have fun.

Monday, June 10, 2013

The Need For Speed

I decided to do a little experiment today. I have been extremely curious as to what my son's ADHD medicine (Adderall , 20mg, time released) would feel like. I have often felt that I have ADHD. I did some reading about how depression can be misdiagnosed ADHD. Also the symptoms run in the family usually so he had to have gotten it from someone.

In my entire life I have never understood how people can become addicted to drugs. I have tried booze. I have taken some drugs, mostly marijuana, and experimented with things. Nothing I ever took really had any chance of becoming an addiction. Booze was fun and opened me up a little. Weed felt good and made me sleepy. It just never did enough for me where I was like "gimmegimmegimmemore".

I can see now how people have problems with drugs. I can not even imagine how Carmen feels when she takes speed which is like 10x more effective than Adderall. I am going to attempt to describe how the drug made me feel today. It was like every day of my life was a grey, lifeless, blob, and then suddenly, one day, rainbows and pink unicorns started shooting out of my ass and making the world a better place.

I have probably never been this happy since the fifth grade. I normally go through the day grumbling to myself or being quiet. The thoughts inside me are how I am going to fucking kill that guy for getting too close to me. I wish that guy got run over by a train. Fuck those motherfucking bastards! Screw the normal people! Whenever I would try and engage in a conversation it was horrible. I would be full of anxiety and feel like I had to push my way into the conversation. Like nothing ever worked. It was like the "humans" knew how to speak to each other and I was some retarded fish lizard who could not speak English. Only the ape fuckers knew how everything worked and it made me angry.

Today was totally different. I had no anxiety at all around people. I was happy, cheerful. I did not think a single angry thought towards people. I was able to communicate with people. I did not feel as if I was intruding in the conversation. I felt like I was a part of it and people enjoyed me being in it. I talked and talked and talked and had a great time. I even talked to strangers. Even women strangers. It was amazing.

I swear Adderall is a miracle drug. I think it turned back my aging memory. I was much sharper today. It removed all sleepiness from me. It is very hard to explain how tired I always am. If you understand soul weariness that is the epitome of my every day existence for as long as I can remember. It literal felt like it took too much energy to breath. On the Adderall I had AMAZING amounts of energy. I could breath. I ran up 30 flights of stairs for the fuck of it. I am still going even now at 9:12 at night. I have walked the dog, done laundry, got pet food, played with the dogs, got the dogs to bed, did 100 pushups, and even wrote this piece of shit article. I am not even near ready to stop for the night either.

It's abilities go even further than that. I think it cured my post nasal drip. It made me a better driver. It cured my vision problems. It is the miracle cure all!  The fountain of youth! The elixir of immortality! It is incredible. It even gave me sex appeal! Yeah baby!

I figure this is a crossroads in my life. It started six months ago when I decided to try medication for depression and took another good turn today. I am either going to go one of two ways. I will look back on this day and see it as the day that changed my life. I will be a happy, well adjusted, person, who has the kind of life other people take for granted. It will be the day I woke up and joined the human race instead of despising them from the outside.

It could also be the day that I look back on while my big black drug dealers cock is shooting a load of cum into my mouth. Everything ruined in a haze of drug induced fervor. No job. No family. No home. Just a need to do anything for that next fix.

The next steps on my journey are to speak with my psychiatrist and figure out if Adderall is right for me. I have an appointment for July 2nd. I really think she should just give me the shit. Fuck Nancy Regan and her dried out pussy. If people want to be happy it is none of her fucking business. I am hoping that I can try this out and it works for me. I really like feeling happy for once in my life.

Sunday, June 09, 2013

Running Ragged

Been running ragged. Dogs are killing me. heh. Yesterday had a nice day fishing with the boy off a canoe. Dogs are great but they have been running me around since 5AM. The boy is being too lazy to play with them and the women are gone for the weekend. Should be back by 2PM. Everything is going pretty good. Still working on getting my schedule back together with the two new arrivals. No complaints though.

Saturday, June 01, 2013

Tired But Content

Been busy. I got two beautiful puppies who are running me ragged. I love them so much though. Really cute and well tempered Collie-Lab mix.

Was also down in Boston today. Finally got some pictures of the Memo
rial site for Boston Strong. I guess there are probably others but this is in the park next to the finish line.

Everything else is quiet. Getting used to the new schedule with the girls.