Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Final Four

Place your bets before the lines shift. My picks are Butler and Duke. Good luck to you all.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Life Lessons

Lesson Number One: Never invoke Waffles, your daughter and sexual discussion in a single post. Bayne has forgotten this lesson so a quick reminder. Go ahead and read his post first.

Waffles said... I am always available for explanations to your DC daughter. Who knows in this crazy world I could be your son in law in like 8 years!

Of course this would alter our daily discourses greatly. Like right now on IM normally we have this greeting going where he will type Waffles into the chat and I will reply Bayne. I kind of think of it as a Jerry Seinfeld and the Newman kind of moment.

Bayne: Waffles
Waffles: Daddy.

See. Crazy. Anyway I have nothing better to post except tormenting Bayne for today. Not much going on. Our Au Pair has left us back to Chile. Wife has vetoed replacing her with a sweet Thai girl. Wife had a replacement for a month but she found a higher paying job and did not tell us until yesterday. Seriously annoying. God is still making flood like rains to thwart my marathon training. Life goes on.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Poker Thesaurus

I run good - I am a fucking donkey and somehow, possibly because I fucked Mother Teressa in a past life, the ultimate deity has deemed it worth his time to save my ass.

Still on hiatus from online play. - Fuck man I am broke again. I might as well draw stupid ass stick figures and talk about golf. Hey they will believe me when I say I shot a 94! Holy fuck my readership numbers have skyrocketed since I started drawing stupid ass stick figures. Fuck this is awesome! Perhaps I can parlay this into a free Pokerstars game and begin my comeback to become the next Phil Ivy of Poker.

What's better than a weekend of shopping, eating and drinking with The Wife? - Hot lesbian sex.

I've seen a UFO and a ghost. - Holy fuck I better get back to living with The Wife before I go totally insane.. ooops.

Breakeven - Good thing those saps still send me Ad money.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

I have No Idea What A Sweet 16 Is

However I am pissed off at the world.. well mostly at poker... SO I will now rain death and destruction upon the NCAA. My picks along with my striking analysis.

9 UNI vs 5 MSU - MSU
I think this is the Junkman's team. DIE DIE DIE! I hate POKER! I hate Poker Players!

6 TENN vs 2 OSU - OSU
Some fucking poker player is named OSU! DIE DIE DIE! POKER I HATE YOU!

1 SYR vs 5 BUT - BUT
She got a big butt and I can not lie..

6 - XAV vs 2 KSU - XAV
Professor X can never lose! Comic book nerds for the win!

1 UK vs 9 WAKE - WAKE
Fuck the UK! My wife is fucking a Brit! He is screwing it up!! Bastard! Move in with her quicker!!

11 WASH vs 2 WVU - WVU
Fuck it I never WASH!!! This is analysis baby! You can not get this shit from those supposed sports reporters.

1 DUKE vs 4 PUR - PUR
Make that pussy PURRRRR! BOOOM!

3 BAY vs 10 SMC - BAY
Pamela Anderson. Bay Watch. Nuff said.


Stupid fucking poker. We are on non-speaking terms again. At least until the 15th. I had the biggest pot I have been in recently in a cash game. Here is the setup.

I am playing PLO 6-max with the donkey fuck Europeans and doing well. I had run my initial buyin up to $40. I am sitting at a table where everyone has even stacks. I limp in with AAK9 s00ted. The guy next to act raises. The guy after him cold calls. The next guy re-raises. I decide I might as well make it HU with the other guy with Aces and so I jam my stack all in. Obviously at this game the third raise is Aces.. if not my fourth raise is definitely Aces.

So anyway. We have all this action. The original raiser thinks and calls. The last guy decides to ship it also. I am up against the AAxx hand I thought I was against. The other two hands are KK and 5678 rainbow city.

The flop is K9T. In the end I am the third best hand. A fucking $160 pot at these little levels and ship to the retard with the fucking lowball straight. Fucking moron. I have no idea what the guy with KK thought he beat either. He was drawing to one fucking out. Apparently that is enough vs ole Waffles.

I have to say it is no fun just jamming cards into the middle and fucking wondering what craptastic hand is going to call. I ended up busting my roll out on a 50/PLO table when I again jammed AA pre and got called by 257J no suit. Of course he got there and doubled his fucking retarded dog humping Scandinavian stack.

Fucking retards make me sick. Just jam anything you smelly cuntballs. Of course you will hit. /sigh.

Friday, March 19, 2010


What the fuck. I finally won one of those stupid turbos. Took second place after my AK all in pre- got snapped off by 9To. Not a bad beat at all. If I had won that hand I would have gone from a 3-1 chip deficit when HU started to a 2-1 chip lead. Second was good though. I immediately quit because fuck it once I won nothing else good could possibly happen that night.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

World of Nercraft

I started up my Warcraft blog again just to give myself an little outlet for some creative writing as opposed to ranting, whining, and generally being miserable to people on this blog. I probably will not post too often because I want to write about things I consider cool. A lot of things in Warcraft are just redundant and not a lot of fun to write about. On occasion you get that fun thing though. You beat that monster you never thought you could take or you own some people in a PVP battle. I may write some actual informative posts also but for the most part it will be stories of my different characters.

To Whom It May Concern

Those bloggers who asked Bayne if I was a serial killer... your on my list.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Stupid Karma

Fuck you Karma. I mean I like you when you smite Bayne but fuck man why do you hate me so much. I think I got Karmic whiplash for ruining Bayne's craps weekend. I was talking to the wife this morning and her boyfriend was saying he needed to cut down on expenses and was not going to Irish breakfast with Michele like he planned for the last month. Um. Dude. That is the most retarded thing I have ever heard. I fear my get out of jail free card might not work out.

I am still in training for my Marathon. Comments from "friends" so far.

- So this is what a midlife crisis is like
- Yeah, right, Marathon, you.

I shall do this. I walked my mile today. Sweating like a fucking pig. The weather is getting nicer. So now I just have to stew in my sweat juices for the rest of the day. See the sacrifices I make.

I am still working out details with Mr. Hawk for the 3.80 SNG conference. Details forthcoming. Fuck I may play the Mookie tonight. I mean the rants that game inspires are really some of my best art. Latah.

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Nothing Going On

Should I weigh in on March Madness? I think that could REALLY get me killed. If you have not read Bayne today you should. I wished him good luck and made sure he knew I was rooting for him in Vegas before he left. He was suitably afraid.

Carmen has some good posts on her most recent struggles with addiction. Very well written. Glad that she is coming out of it now and getting her act together. We all struggle with our own demons and fall down often. It has to be hard to keep getting back up. Be good to yourself Carmen. You have a lot of people who care about you. Now if I could only kick my demons.

Jammyhawk the non-believer sent me an email saying that ANYONE can beat the 3.80 super turbo 45 man push fests. Obviously he has not been reading my blog. I have the WORST luck in push situations EVER. I welcome the non-believer to pick a night he is free and to watch me play. If he has Yahoo IM then I will open a chat and let him know my cards so he can tell me if I am misplaying hands. At the end of the night I will be broke and will not have won even one game because that is how I roll. I will have played perfectly and yet not have anything to show for it. Fuck if ya'll want I will make it a conference. Just be fair and do not sit at the same game as me as I will be shouting out my cards. So let me know if you want to become a true believer Mr. Hawk. I guarantee you will be amazed and probably amused.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

You Run So Bad?

Wow. What a fucking night. I run so bad. Go give Bayne some love. I mean what are the chances? Someone who does not read Baynes blog at all just HAPPENS to read it.. then just by coincidence clicks on that Waffles guy link and then by some fluke goes to the post talking about her. It sort of make's me believe there must be a God and he fucking hates me.

Here comes my big fuck you asshole list. First award goes to that fucktard Pushmonkey. I am happily enjoying losing because of another fucking retard I will out in a second. I then get an IM from the aforementioned asshole. "Hey play the Mookie you cunt! Stop being a Pussy.". Now I know there is no way this can end but in disaster. I decide to go for it anyways.

The second assfucker on my list today is Jammyhawk. I can not believe I let that retard post about how easy 45-man super turbos are and I FUCKING BELIEVED HIM! I mean it all sounds so plausible. I just forgot one thing: You need to be a fucking lucksack to win.

I play the first one and I hang on. Use his strategy. Get to the final table. Now in the time it has taken me to get to the final table I have had not one but two fucking 70-30 suckouts already. My AQ fell to A3 and my KK fell to A9. Two time's. In one fucking game. My first game of the night. Poker is so not skill.

I then get all my chips in with 9 players left and the awesome hand of AK against... KQ. Get this too. The retarded fuck that had KQ. He re-raised me. Even though I was basically in with the blind and there was no dead money or side pot. He jams his full 1800 stack in PROTECTING my hand like the monkey fucking retard ass aids infected cocksucker that he is AND hits his fucking Queen on the river.

So to you JammyHawk I hope you get fucking herpes. Not even the fucking hidden shit that just makes your dick sting. No. I hope you get FACE herpes so every time you walk out on the street people look at your disgusting pock marked herpes face and say "Mommy! I am scared! Get that herpes faced freak away from me!!!".

Now back to the Mookie. I played well early on. Pushed VBPro off a few pots. Made the correct folds. Read my opponents well. I then made a small mistake. I will preface this by saying I would most likely play this hand the same way every time.

I have kings in early position and raise. Heffmike re-raises me. I assume his range here for a re-raise is something like TT+ AQ+ something in there. So I 3-bet him. At this point I have like 2k of my 3k in the middle. He jams. I KNOW for a fact he has Aces but I have to call. I make the call and get ready to leave. Of course since poker is just a game of luckboxing your way to victory I fuck him hard and hit a king on the flop. Somehow I avoid the ace and double up. As I said before I play that hand the same way against most opponents every single time. So while I was way behind I do not think I necessarily misplayed this hand.

As a side note Heffmike says that he 3-bet me by re-raising. What is the correct terminology. I always thought a 3-bet was the third action. So I raise is first, then he re-raises me as the second move.. then I 3-bet him, and he 4-bet jams me forcing me to make the call. He said he 3-bet me. What is the correct terminology anyone?

Meanwhile Buddydonk that fucking whore bag stoner that drives around in a shit brown car is steadily increasing his stack with retarded hands like A2o. I know stoners have no fucking motivation unless they self medicate with pills but jesus fucking christ you would think he would learn to play someday. He probably sits around his house in yellow Cheetos underwear alternating between puffing, eating his Cheetos and masturbating.

We get into a hand where VBPro, Buddy and I see a flop. Buddy and I have 6k stacks. The blinds are 25/50. The flop gives me a set. So I lead out. VBPro raises me after having raised pre-flop. I am not folding here to VBPro. I put him on a hand like AK and if he has the KK overset to my 55 set then so be it. So the action here is a bet, a re-raise, and you are BuddyDonk. Sitting around. Smoking your fucking stoner bowl wondering who the pretty blonde chick next to you is. Ahh yeahh brah I am married. Riiigghtt. You look down and have Ace fucking high with a goddamn redraw to a fucking flush. Of course you jam all your chips in to the middle. No fold equity. Huge stack relative to the blinds. Hey brah waaaas that. A fucking 26% dog on the flop vs my 73% chance to win. Whoahh numbers. On the turn you drop to a 15% chance to win and yet here I am sitting with a 1K stack because someone with 120BB deep stack can not find the fold button. Whoooaaahh dude. I really do not know how Joanne could marry someone who plays as bad as you. I hope for her sake you have a really big cock.

Sidenote: Fuck you Fuel you cocksucker. I hope some big burly guys with a lead pipe came by and kneecapped you when the stock market crashed. Fucking 55 is NOT GOLD. You goddamn retard. Whoever told you that shit lied!!!!

I finally go out on the final table of the Mookie. Pinkystinky had been raising my blinds a lot. Probably a good move. So I jammed all in on him with my 1K stack and Fuel's fucking ass licking fives and of course he calls with 87. Yeah. So this time I only lost a 52-46'er. It was inevitable.

So lets recap. Some chick in New Hampshire thinks I am a creepy stalker. I have used mad skill. I have read weak hands. I have made all the right moves except for one time in which I did the right move at the wrong time. I have been in 70%+ situations 4x and 50+% situations and not won a single time. I swear if I flipped a coin 100 times it would be tails every fucking time.

The rest of the night did not get any better as I ran into 5 more situations where a dominating Ace was against a weak Ace. Jacks were against A4. Nine fucking 70%+ hands and not a single win. Whoever said poker is skill should be fucking castrated. The balls should then be stuffed in their mouths. They should be burned at the stake while choking on their own gnads. Finally their ashes should be pissed on. Poker is such a fucking joke.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Mmmmm Asian

Ah the fresh smell of shampooed Asian.. See God is showing me that training for a marathon is good. I passed by this very cute Asian girl who must have just showered. She smelled goood. I have started my training by taking a mile walk or so everyday. I had been doing this in the summer and then came SNOW. Walking outside in the snow is not as appealing.

I will need to get a gym membership to avoid the whole winter thing. Sneakers might be good too. So far my mile is very taxing. I swear. My heart rate goes up and everything. I even sweat a little. Lucky it is the spring so I do not have to deal with chaffing.

Zinged the wife this morning. She was like "My hands are cold. See." and she touches my arm. So I reply "That's because your a cold hearted bitch". She laughed. Not much else going on right now. Going to hit up the RUSHHHH again soon. I should give Eric lessons because he is doing it wrong. Latah.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

Marathon Training

I am beginning my training for my Marathon run in October. Bayne has agreed to introduce me to someone but he says I need to run a marathon with her. Sounds like a deal. Peaker you better chime in here with a comment! I also find it ironic that just a few days after I told Bayne that my bad luck would cause me to meet someone in Rhode Island after I got a lease that only allowed 12k a year that he would suggest I meet someone in New Hampshire.

Birthday was good. Kids baked me a car cake. It was a VW bug. Perhaps this is a sign? Although I thought only chicks drove bugs. After dinner I crashed hard at 7:00 and then woke up at midnight. Stayed up until 7AM and now I am not sure if I should be awake or asleep.

Extra thanks for Jen's nice comment. All the awesome things her and Don and others have said are all true and I really get it. Just need to kick myself out of this funk and implement. The knowing is not the hard part. The doing is.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Happy Birthday Waffles

The big forty one. Not really as big as forty. That one was a shock.

I big thanks to everyone who wished me a Happy Birthday so far. I do appreciate it.

The state of the union at forty one I would have to say is right on track with my life plan. Married at 30, Divorced at 40, dead by 50.. right on track. Perhaps we can avoid that last one.

I have been feeling a little down lately. Probably since the December gathering. Just been feeling like people do not like me more than usual. It's not anything anyone has done or said. Fuck I pub crawled like a motherfucker with LoveElf and had a great time with many others. It is all just inside me.

Partly I am sure because I have so isolated myself. No phone. No car. No watch. Meh. So anyway like Don said it is time for the year of the Waffles. Arising from the ashes like a beautiful butterfly phoenix. I love Judy Tenuta.

On a good note today is awesome in Boston. High temps of fifty five. Nice wind. Really just the kind of weather I like. My kid is going to buy me a pet in Warcraft. (Don't ask). Which I thought was a nice gesture on his part. Later and enjoy!!

Friday, March 05, 2010

American Automakers You Fail

I am looking at lease a car. I would buy American. I think it is good. However American Automakers are retards. Besides taking my money (except you Ford) they are just retarded. Looking at comparable cars between Toyota, Kia, Ford, Chevy, etc.. I have come to the conclusion that if I buy anything made on my home turf I am going to pay a LOT LOT LOT more. I have also come to the conclusion that what I get will seem cheap. Do not get me wrong. Toyota IS cheap as American cars in general. However they at least try to pretend. They put the fake leather in and at least make it seem like your getting something nice. American makers are like "Fuck you, take this stinking cloth and plastic and love it". So I have to pay more for something that seems cheaper and uses more gas. Am I wrong?

Still Stud-y-ing

2 Hours / 1 BI / Too Few Hands

Still hitting the stud tables instead of the RUSH for the moment. Stud is such a different game obviously. Instead of breakneck speeds you start humming "Umpa doompa doompa doompy day" between hands. Ahh yup. Old school TV. The key to NLHE is to stay ahead of your opponents and apply pressure and things like that. In stud it is basically to be patient and take advantage of your opponents mistakes. In the low limit games these mistakes are HUGE. People chase for half the pot. Play one way hands.

I remember one hand that went three ways. I had a decent high not great something like trip aces which is very vulnerable especially three ways. Both of my opponents had some low cards showing. I scooped the entire thing. No low. At all. Surprised the hell out of me.

If I can keep patient and only play premium hands I can make money in two ways. First off I am generating a TON more rake than I do in NLHE. Every hand is an ante. So if I can win enough to stay even then I make money from the rakeback. The other way is scooping these huge pots that develop at these levels. Having great two way hands that hold and getting lucky helps.

I did have a fair amount of luck in a hand or two. One hand I was up against trip nines and I spiked trip jacks early on. The best part was I saw another jack out there. I was going to dump it before 5th but a jack spiked and I scooped a 4 way pot with trip jacks. Sick.

The one thing I really like about Stud is some of the guessing is out. You can have a reasonable idea of what your opponents have by reading the board and seeing what has been discarded. I need to get better at this but it helps to feel comfortable about your hand.

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Fuck It!

Imma hit up a strip club this weekend.. all alone.. creepy guy at the club .. oh yeah now were livin!! Maybe I can meet another creepy guy... FML

I Am Annoyed

My wife is a dumbass 'nuff said. Any chicks out there think 10K a month is enough scratch to live on? I mean I guess it is McDonalds money because obviously nothing I do is enough. Just had to get that out.

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Mamoth Friday

I almost forgot Katitude is doing a special tourney for those of us who can not make Mastodon Weekend.


I played badly last night to break even. Whee. I have been on a slight downslide. I understand that the reason you have to play aggressively and win a ton is because you are going to get that span of time where your big cards go down in flame to idiots. It's all a big wave where you crest and fall a lot and even out to that BB/HR rate that everyone is talking about. Still it is frustrating.

I decided to play some Stud-8 last night since NLHE was not my friend. I did well there picking up half a buyin. Totally different game. You basically make money by sitting around and snoozing until you find a hand that has great two way potential and hope it hits big against the other tards on the table.

On the home life front not too much to report. Nicks wife came by our house the other day and said some shit to our Au Pair. Will have to keep an eye on the situation. She is kind of a psycho bitch as I mentioned before. Hmm. I can not find it. So maybe I did not mention it.

Psycho had her sister over a couple weekends ago. So they got into this big verbal argument and next thing you know Psycho's sister is ramming Psycho's head into a door and the two are going at it. Hilarious really. Both of these sisters are totally bat ass crazy.

Not much else going on. Birthday is coming up soon. Do I really need another one? Going to lease a car this weekend. Figure I want something temporary for 2-3 years until I am settled and figure out what I want to do. Eventually I will have to get a pimp daddy car. I will be sure to ask for your advice when the time comes. Except Chacko, we know he is like that retard kid in that car commercial.