Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Bubble Boy

Basically bubbled the 1$ nightly. Decided to try a resteal with A7 s00ted against a bubble raise since I had played tight all night. I was correct about the relative weakness of the hand I was against -- 77, however I was incorrect in thinking the button would fold to a 13K shove. Oh well.

Holy Fucking Crap

Do I fucking run bad or what? I mean seriously. I bubbled 4 SNGs last night after having huge leads. Sample hands that got me booted? 44 on a 4Q8 flop. I bet. turn 8. BOOYAH! I bet again. River... QUEEN! Goddamn fucking queen!!! The dude after calling off like 2k in bets places a 240 chip min bet with his QJ? Great value there fucktard.

I turn a straight. I pot the fucker for 1200 chips. He calls with a set of sevens AND HITS FUCKING QUADS! ON THE FUCKING RIVER! QUADS! WHAT THE FUCK!

I call an all in jam from a retard on the flop. The board is Kxx. I have KT but I know this retard jams under pairs and crap on the flop. So when he flips up QQ I am not surprised. Exactly what I expected. BOOOM! River is a fucking Queen? Hello?

I am heads up. I decide to jam T3 s000ted for the steal. If I get called by a good hand I am at least live. Probably weaker hands fold. I have a 3K stack with large blinds. Know what I get called by? T7!!!!! What the fucking hell?!?!?! I make two pair and lose anyways to his BETTER TWO PAIR!

Fuck man I will even share with you some other retards bad beat. On the turn dude with a set of eights jams all in deep in a 90 man. Retarded fucker with AA calls off his entire stack and RIVERS A FUCKING GODDAMN ACE? What in the fuck is that all about?

I swear I would love to run statistically normal someday. I had two people watching me and they were like "WTF?". The only thing I run good in is gutter-fucking people. I swear I make a gutshot like 85% of the time. In that same 90-man. One of my first hands. I flop a gutter draw. Call off a small bet on the flop. Turn my gutter. Like the 5th or 6th gutter I have made tonight. I then OVERJAM 3K worth of chips in a deep stack game with fucking 30 chip blinds AND GET CALLED! Fucking ridiculous! I was able to ride that pony to seventh place where this hand happened. DonkMonkey says I should fold.

I have 20K in chips with 2k blinds. The EP guy raises. He had been raising a lot. The middle position dude overjams his entire stack. I have him covered by like 3k in chips. I figure an overjam there could mean anything. It definitely could mean Aces or Kings however I think more often it means something like TT-QQ, AK, AQ. Something like that. So I end up shipping it in. Hoping to double up. The early position guy folds as expected. I end up going out against Aces even though I flopped a king. I had a middleish stack.. probably like 5 of 7 there. The top stack was no more than 50-60K. I like my chances to take first if I win the hand. I also can hold on and wait for a better spot. What would you do?

** UPDATE: Missed the all important information of what my exact hand was. I had AKo.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Joyous Day

Here I thought some retard ruined all the fun my day could have been. I am coming into work and there is this old drunk guy. He has his pillow and is walking funny. He then decides to try and walk across the road while buses and cars are flying past. I winced and though we were going to see some real blood flying. Unfortunately some goody two shoes leaps out into the road and saves his ass. See that is the difference between being a good person and me. A good person acts on the things they see while most of us just wait for the splat.

To cheer me up though I got my word published in the Urban Dictionary. Fuck ya. Who said I am old. I am like Urban Dictionary material baby. So here is my addition to society:


When you are walking down the street and someone gets in your way so you lean your shoulder into him when you collide.

That lame ass was looking down at his iPod while walking so I shouldered him.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Thinking About Chicks

I took a HUGE crap last night and I am back down to 177 pounds. Weight gain problem solved. Booooom! I am still stuck at the 177 area but at least it does not appear as if I am gaining weight like I thought.

Sometimes I contemplate ways in which I could meet some women. The first obvious choice would be as wingman. You always need the ugly guy you can pass off on the fat chick. I would probably get lucky but it might not feel like it.

Next I was thinking the old retarded guy move. You know go up to a chick pretending to be retarded. Say "Hi my name is mikey will you be my friend". Bonus points if you can make drool come out of the side of your mouth. Nobody can be mean to a retarded person! Least no soft hearted chick things. Of course progressing anywhere past that first step would be nearly impossible.

So then I came up with the best idea. Incest support group! I mean come on. Talk about people with esteem issues. It could be an awesome place to get laid. Know what the best part is though? When you want to break it off just yell "WHO'S YOUR DADDY!" during sex.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Thin Byte Line

It is tough being a good developer. One of the guys who does it because he LIKES to create good systems. If it was up to me every project would take a million years and be as perfect as a Picasso painting. It is an art for me.

Us artists live in a business world though. So when people ask why their really fast dictionary of dictionaries is not a good fit as an object model you can tell them about reusability and readability but they will turn their slack jawed look at you and say "yeah but it is faster". So eventually you just have to learn to suck it up and let your vision become corrupted. It is hard to balance between caring for the success of your project and saying whatever you fucktards and making your buck.

I guess a lot of my success comes from walking that thin byte line very well as opposed to being the best programmer in the world. When I get tired of seeing my vision corrupted there is always a new an interesting project somewhere else. I guess that is the road of the consultant.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

It is the small things

The weight loss has reversed somehow. Not sure how. I have been walking and doing the same things. Cut coke down to once a day. Somehow I have gained a few pounds though. Must be fucking Pauly's goddamn Karma. That shit weighs a lot!

+1 me. The wife was arguing with me about getting the kids popcorn. I was concerned they ate too much crap and she said so what. I finally got tired of arguing so as she rolled the cart on talking to Nickie Poo I snuck the popcorn out of the cart and dumped it on a shelf. She never noticed.

+2 me. She told me today her boyfriend Nickie Poo hired hookers while he was still married. She then goes on to say how it must have been his wife's fault for not giving him any sex. She also said she thought I must have cheated on her. Sorry babe never slept with anyone while married to you. I get the point because her boyfriend is a scumbag cheater and I am not. Yay moral superiority!

It is the little things that make my day.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Le Sigh

All in for both hands. You wonder why I hate poker. Seriously how can you call it a game of skill?

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Good Tired

I worked the whole day Saturday. Stayed in a Hotel in Boston. Really had a hard time sleeping. Fell asleep at 10, woke back up at 2AM, then was in and out of sleep until 7AM when I decided to get up, shower, and take a nice walk. I then headed back into work for another 12 hour day. Sean said "That sucks" but I really enjoyed myself. Exhausted but in a good way.

I missed the Patriots game which was probably a good thing. My FFL team is kicking butt in the second game of the season and it looks possible to win this week and go 2-0. I am watching Sunday night football to get my fix in.

I ended up cranking through an entire WCF service using Linq to SQL for my data access layer. It was a mixed bag. It was a little frustrating learning the archaic perlesque type language. There are some gotchas too.. like if you do not define the table AsEnumerable() then it decides it would be most efficient to connect to the database numerous times to get your data. Not noticeable until it cranks to a stop at 400K records.

Once I finished with that I was happy with the end result. We are loading our entire set of optimization results for all of accounts and passing it across the wire in around 30-seconds. Seeing the amount of data we deal with this is not too bad. I am kind of annoyed that everything we work with is wacky Dictionaries within Dictionaries. Not my design. My math nerd boss thinks he is a programmer but he goes for speed at the cost of usability and readability. So be it. Linq to Sql was surprising good at making these dictionaries in very few lines of code.

I also had the opportunity to ponder more about what my essence is. I always find it fascinating to obsess on things that really do not matter. It is an interesting question though. What does make ME. Is it where I am now -- Lazy, Depressed, Fat, Middle aged guy. Is it what I do? My job. Warcraft? Not much. Is it who I was a while ago and who I hope to be again - Adventurous, Thirsting for Knowledge, Working Hard, Playing Hard, Having Fun with the family. Is it more the internal tendencies you have. Who the hell knows.

It was far more interesting to ponder things like how does CK's bounce open an inter-dimensional time-space doorway that makes it appear as if her boobs are much larger than they are. Probably more likely I should wear my glasses more often.. or maybe not.

Lunch was really good too. I had Fajitas for the first time in a while. The bill came out to like 17 dollars and I did not want to break a second twenty for a big tip so I dropped the twenty down and took all the change from my pocket and stuffed it in there. Probably a little short still on the tip but I tried!!!

On the poker front I have joined the poopy pants ventilator brigade and started grinding the stud tables a bit. Need some more fundage but seems promising so far.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Programming Rant Numero Uno

I hear someone say "Hey like Linq to Sql is great it does everything for you". Then I get put on a project and have to USE link to Sql and it is NOT great!! It "Automagically generates shit for you". Um.. yeah, no, not so much. It can't even handle stored procs with temp tables in em. Fucking cunt program and I hate temp tables but it should fucking handle them!!!! I never use temp tables because they suck balls but I still need them handled right because of the stupid morons I work with that love them. Instead the damn thing saying "Hey why don't I return you an integer and we call it even". Motherfucking auto-generated code. The future is here and is sucks.

Truckin' with the Doc

Often times I do not link the good Doctor not because I hate Truckin' but because I see everyone else linking up and figure my little blog is useless. I think though it is never useless to support a friend so here ya go, the next installment of the ever entertaining Truckin'. Oh yeah, and please do not increase my Karma 10 fold.. all my Karma is bad!

September 2009, Vol. 8, Issue 9

1. Tangerine Rockets
by Paul McGuire

Lennie was an international legend. His father walked away from a plane crash and passed along some of those good luck genes over to Lennie . . .

2. The Red Pill
by Sigge S. Amdal

She dropped the face and began to cry, as tensions rose around me. The waiters stopped waiting tables, people stopped talking; they were just exchanging knowing glances and judgmental comments . . .

3. Fine Tuning
by Milton T. Burton

He looked perplexed. I slipped my hand beneath my coat, came out with the little silenced .22 Magnum auto, and shot him right in the center of the forehead. The hollow-point bullet exited the back of his skull, making a colorful little jet of blood and brains as it went . . .

4. On Scoring
by Human Head

One look at the eyeliner, eyebrows, gold hoops and herringbone chains, and I knew this was the Angel we were supposed to see. As she drew closer to the door, the tattoo’s left little doubt. She didn’t say anything. She just looked at me . . .

5. The Joys of Gambling
by Johnny Hughes

Saratoga Springs, New York in August was the gambling capital of America in the 1920s, with the horses, the spa waters, large and ornate casinos, and America’s wealthiest citizens in a gilded age, when money and wine were treated like water . . .

What a Long Strange Trip It’s Been . . .
From Dr. Pauly McGuire’s Laptop:

The September edition of Truckin’ marks the return of the Human Head after a four year hiatus. I’m enthralled to have him back in the mix. Everyone’s favorite Norwegian word wanker, Sigge, returns for a second month in a row. We also have a couple of Texan scribes in Johnny Hughes and Milton T. Burton. And of course, I have a story inspired by a recent trip to Colorado.

Thanks for telling your friends about Truckin’. May you will increase your karma ten fold! The contibutors here write for free and you’ll be doing me a huge favor by helping get the some publicity.

If anyone is interested in being added to the mailing list, or perhaps you are interested in writing for a future issue, then feel free to contact me.

I have to sincerely thank the writers for sharing their bloodwork. Thanks for taking this leap of faith with me. And a special thanks goes out to you, the reader, for your loyalty and support over the years.

Be good,


Perhaps I should be a teacher. Actually I know I am far too impatient for the job. Students do not like when you shove them out of the way grumbling "WTF are you a moron" and type in the right answer. My son JMan has some learning issues. He has Dyslexia and ADHD according to the powers that be. I think in part he has these issues but I also worry that people are giving him excuses to fail. As part of this problem he apparently has trouble telling his left from his right. I actually had this problem when I was a child too. Luckily I cut the fuck out of my right wrist and had a scar to help. The wife was complaining about how he was having problems and I came up with a brilliant idea I was sure would work. I came home and I said "Hit me boy". He gleefully agreed and threw a right hook at me. I then said "Your punching hand is the right". So far it seems to have worked.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

My Poker Career: Depcited in Graph Format

Been a while

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


It is somewhat comforting that Poker never changes.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


Things I learned getting my license today

- I can be charming, nice, personable and social but only to fat black chicks working at the RMV.

- It is fun when your Fantasy Team scores 123 points. I however expect the doom and gloom. I thought it was coming when they were talking about Adrian Peterson bleeding from his arm and being dehydrated. I guess I will have to wait another week for his imminent demise.

- Judging from China Town Chinese people like food, 99 cent stores, tans, and porn. Based on these observations I would probably assimilate to Chinese culture very quickly. Also noted I do not know how to spell Chinese.

- It is very scary when someone asks you to read the numbers on the right side of the chart and you do not see any.. I am pretty sure this was due to the RMV crappy eye test machines although I am not ruling out brain cancer.

- Tomorrow I will learn if I was just tired or am coming down with swine flu since I was entirely not hungry today.

- I have not made it to the Ocean on any of my walks yet. I must make it to the Ocean.

- My general content look is equivalent to other peoples "I am so mad and will kill you look". I really do not go around wanting to kill you.. much.

- I hate iPod text messaging zombies.

- The wife is going to learn to watch out for what she asks for because she might get it. Possibly unfair but she is annoying the hell out me lately.

- I am looking forward to Vegas a lot. It is kind of sad that I have to fly 3000 miles to sit in a bar and get drunk with friends. It is kind of cool too though.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Update Numero Threeo

So you know how like I was saying the wife was all listening to Nick about being more strict with the kids? So today I was like "Well I will probably let the kid play over the weekend" because it's been a week (well a work week!) and she is like "Fuck no! you said a week and he spit in your face and that is the horriblist thing ever
So I was like "Didnt you just say it should only be 1 day?" Fucking women are way crazier than I could ever be.

Nobody Ever Listens

I have been telling my wife for years she needs to discipline the kids more and be a little stricter. She let's them get away with murder sometimes. So last night we are driving home and she is like "I think I need to discipline the kids more, Nick says I let them get away with too much". Erm. FML?

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

I Am So Going To Hell

I was walking down the street today and saw a crippled girl. My first thought was "She probably needs a man". If that is not sick enough I had a debate with myself for the next few minutes trying to decide if I would have to wipe her ass and if I would find it sexy or not.

The other day I was walking into the train station and this woman cut me off so I quickly grumbled to myself "I hope all your kids are retarded like you".. as she pulled her retarded child out of the car. Ouch.

Life continues about the same. The boy and I were having a conversation the other day. He wanted me to do his daily quests in Warcraft. He was going out with the Wife and her boyfriend and would not have any time to do them. I tried to explain to him that he should calm down and take it easy. He can always do it tomorrow. He should just relax. Chill out. Be calm. He then decides it is a good idea to spit in my face. um. Hello? If that was my dad he would probably be in the hospital right now. I actually stayed totally calm and banned him from Warcraft for a week.

I was explaining to the wife what happened and she thought my punishment was too harsh. Hello? Did I just hear that? TOO HARSH?!?!? It may not have been harsh enough. I am really dumbfounded by her lack of discipline. It really explains a lot about why the kids think they can get away with anything.. BECAUSE THEY CAN! I am sticking by my punishment though. I have only been asked like six times this morning by the boy if the punishment can be lifted.

On another note I will be meeting Nicky Poo (the Wife's boyfriend) this weekend. She bought a bed for our daughter and he is coming over to put it together. Kiss ass. I really hope they get married soon. So should I ask him if she sucks dick as good as she used to?

Exercise continues. Stuck at around 177-179 pounds. I probably either have to look into more rigorous exercise or changing what I eat. Everything I eat is either frozen or freeze dried. Not exactly healthy.

Rollerblading went well. The kids decided they wanted to go rollerblading too so instead of going downtown to the Charles we skated around the neighborhood. I got many high fives from the kids for my awesome blading skills.

Ah well Peace out.

Friday, September 04, 2009


Remember that game we used to play as kids? Step on a crack, Break your mothers back. Fucking lying cracks! I will never forgive you.

I am beginning to see "Should I be worried", is my mating call. Like a duck quack or something. I hear it so much from women.

I keep getting urges to buy a motorcycle. As my friend Mark put it "Dude you are blind and have no balance, that is a bad move!!!!".

"The Librarian" asked me "What is your essence". She was drunk. Forgive her. At first I really did not have an answer. After spending ten years married and pulling into yourself you really get away from who you are. I finally settled on "A Programmer". Although this is a little vague I think it might fit. She scoffed at this of course. "That is a job not an essence". However for me it might be. I have been hacking and programming since I was 13 years old. I see it as far more an art form than a science or a job. Fuck I was even weaned by an incubator. So it is only natural that I relate far more to the mechanical than the water bags. So perhaps that is indeed my essence at least at this point of my life.

Anyone have any nice book tracking apps? Possibly something that would come up with suggestions for friends to read and easily let you enter your collections. Just wondering. In my senile old age I keep forgetting what I have read and it gets worse when they change the cover art all the time. Jerks.

This weekend I am planning on breaking out the roller blades for the first time in years. Injury report to follow. Have fun and keep safe.

Thursday, September 03, 2009

Exercise is Bad

It is wonderful to be married. You wife drops you off at the train then she does not send you an email, call, mention, or do any other sort of thing to notify you that she has a hair appointment after work. Of course she has to go get loaded on Appletini's afterward. So you end up walking home. Five miles. In the dark. In the snow. In the dark snow. Not exactly how I was planning to spend my night.

I stumbled in around 10ish and had no time to study for my Fantasy League. I think I did alright. I am a big football fan but I am really bad about knowing who is great beyond the guys likely to be taken in the first round. So here is how I made out:

Eli Manning QB
Vincent Jackson WR
DeSean Jackson WR
Adrian Peterson RB
Darren Sproles RB
Thomas Jones RB
Jason Elam K
Miami DEF

On the bench for week one are:

Steve Smith WR
Marion Barber RB
Ben Roeth QB
Owen Daniels TE
Michael Crabtree WR
Earnest Graham RB
Carolina DEF

I know that Marion Barber is pretty damn good as a second RB but I think the matchup for Sproles might be better this week. I also think Steve Smith may have a tough week so he is benched. I am probably going to use them a lot more often though.

Also The Librarian answered the questions that were asked to date. Go check the comments section if interested.

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

I Dream of CK

I had a weird dream about CK last night. The weirdest part is that it was not a porno. We were just chillin' in my house. Hangin' out. Being normal. Very odd.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Ask the Librarian

So "The Librarian" has been reading the blog. She has made a few comments. So I figured it might be fun to open it up to your questions / comments / warnings. So ask away. Warn her of what she is in store for with Waffles. Fire away. Should be interesting. I will get her comments and answers and post them up in a day or so.


Am I creepy? I mean sometimes I think I must be. Is it because I stare at your boobs when I meet you? Really I do not mean to. They are just *BOOBS*. I try and be social. I say "Hi", in my scratchy, rarely used voice, while staring at your boobs. You say "hi" back. The awkward silence then begins. I try to think of something else to say while staring at your boobs for inspiration. You wonder when the fuck this slow elevator is going to stop so you can get off! I might be creepy?


I played a bit last night. Got bored. Got in slightly behind against a Canadian lagtard. AAQT s000ted is not as good at A25T uns00ted. I spiked my runner flush which gave him a 2-5 boat. Fun times. I actually did notice that when I get bored I tend to not care about spewing off tons of chips behind. I was up against two pair on the flop after potting pre-flop but since I only had a gutter and runner-flush as redraws it was an easy fold. I do notice I tend to get in bad against Lagtards instead of just waiting them out. Not very good strategy. I just can not figure out how to care. Oh well.