Old School

Either the Full Tilt Blogger tourney is totally rigged or the old school bloggers might actually have some skills. At least three of the invalids have made it into the TOC. It is nice to see that years of drug abuse, boozing, and hitting on sorority skanks have not dulled their luckbox skills. Could a few more of these legends in their own minds make the TOC? Could we actually have an old timer sent to the WSOP? Fuck maybe I should swill down a case of SoCo and play a few games.

Instead of..

Talking about the fucking moron who cold called off 60% of his stack, with me only having about half that behind with a naked flush draw AA vs A5 I will do the ABC meme.

A - Age: 40

B - Bed size: Couch

C - Chore you hate: Cat Litter

D - Dog's name: Charlie, Mom says he is running free on a farm.

E - Essential start to your day: Coke

F - Favorite color: Pussy

G - Gold or Silver: Platinum

H - Height: 5'8"

I - Instruments you play: Trumpet teacher told me to get the fuck out of his class now!

J- Job: Programmer

K – Kids: Girl 6, Boy 10

L - Living arrangements: Nice House on an Acre for the moment

M - Mom's name: Karen

N - Nicknames: Waffles, Asshole.

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: Never. I did get my circumcision redone at like eight. Yes God does hate me.

P - Pet Peeve: J-Walkers, Fucktards, People who do not obey me

Q - Quote from a movie: Gimme some Sugar Baby!

R – Robot or Human? Robot. I was nursed by an incubator, it makes sense I relate to robots more than humans.

S - Siblings: jailbird sister

T - Time you wake up: whenav dude.. I am fucking important.

U- Underwear: Stewey from Family Guy

V - Vegetable you dislike: Beets.

W - Ways you run late: My wife is the source of any lateness I have.

X - X-rays you've had: Multiple arms, head, chin, face, chest, I was a little accident prone.

Y - Yummy food you make: Hungry man TV Dinner count?

Z - Zoo favorite: Polar Bear

Crazy Fucking Weekend

It was bound to happen eventually. Apparently the boy child overheard my wife and mother talking about divorce. I swear my mother is the source of 95% of my fucking problems even though I barely ever talk to her. I was sitting down enjoying some video games after a hot day of fishing with the boy. I got sunburned and we caught two pickerels which was a lot of fun.

The little girl comes in and starts talking about the wife and I getting divorced so I questioned her and after determining that the kids must know something I called the wife down so we could talk to them about it. The little girl is probably too young to really understand what it all means. She is six right now. She seems all set to move out of the house and go to a new school and all of the likely things to happen. The boy is a little less excited. He is horrified about making new friends. He also asked how often he would see me and since we really have not finalized any plans I was like "I am not sure once a month or so".. That really freaked him out a bit. I told him we were not sure and it would probably be more than that and assured him that we could talk anytime he wanted. He seemed to calm down a bit after. Hard to tell with him as he tends to be a bit of a drama queen. Not sure where he gets that from. *whistles*.

So I guess it went alright although it was a little heart breaking to see some of the effects this is going to have on the kids. I guess it might be better that it came out earlier but then again I would have liked to have things more solidified first.

We really have not even started the first steps. I am a little annoyed by this. I mean I was perfectly content to be miserable and stay with the wench until the kids were out of the house. She then has to wave the flag of freedom in my face and now that the genie is out of the bottle there is no way it's going back. I am pretty excited to start my life over and get out of this joke of a marriage. Even though it is going to cause the kids a lot of short term pain I have bought into the fact that in the long run two happy parents will be better for them. I really want to get this done with. No idea if the wife is having second thoughts or what. Actually it is pretty frustrating. Oh well. I will keep you posted.

Was I Dreaming?

This is a first for me. I enjoyed it a lot. May have lost the big stack by my re-raise but not sure he would have called anyways.

Full Tilt Poker Game #11860643509: Table Taylor (6 max) - $0.10/$0.25 - No Limit Hold'em - 2:33:34 ET - 2009/04/25
Seat 1: madmongoose73 ($8.22)
Seat 2: Maniac57 ($40.24)
Seat 3: Dreamlife ($36.13)
Seat 4: A_Rulezzzzz ($11.02)
Seat 5: AlexPthd ($4.75)
Seat 6: momotroyer ($12.17)
A_Rulezzzzz posts the small blind of $0.10
AlexPthd posts the big blind of $0.25
momotroyer posts a dead small blind of $0.10
momotroyer posts $0.25
The button is in seat #3
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to Maniac57 [8d 9d]
momotroyer checks
madmongoose73 calls $0.25
Maniac57 calls $0.25
Dreamlife has 15 seconds left to act
Dreamlife raises to $2.50
A_Rulezzzzz calls $2.40
AlexPthd calls $2.25
momotroyer folds
madmongoose73 calls $2.25
Maniac57 calls $2.25
*** FLOP *** [6c Ts 7s]
A_Rulezzzzz bets $8.52, and is all in
AlexPthd calls $2.25, and is all in
madmongoose73 calls $5.72, and is all in
Maniac57 raises to $37.74, and is all in
Dreamlife has 15 seconds left to act
Dreamlife folds
Maniac57 shows [8d 9d]
A_Rulezzzzz shows [8s 7d]
AlexPthd shows [7c Ac]
madmongoose73 shows [Qc Td]
Uncalled bet of $29.22 returned to Maniac57
*** TURN *** [6c Ts 7s] [Qd]
*** RIVER *** [6c Ts 7s Qd] [5s]
Maniac57 shows a straight, Ten high
A_Rulezzzzz shows a pair of Sevens
Maniac57 wins side pot #2 ($5.32) with a straight, Ten high
madmongoose73 shows two pair, Queens and Tens
Maniac57 wins side pot #1 ($9.89) with a straight, Ten high
AlexPthd shows a pair of Sevens
Maniac57 wins the main pot ($20.76) with a straight, Ten high
madmongoose73 is sitting out
A_Rulezzzzz is sitting out
AlexPthd is sitting out
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot $37.86 Main pot $21.85. Side pot 1 $10.41. Side pot 2 $5.60. | Rake $1.89
Board: [6c Ts 7s Qd 5s]
Seat 1: madmongoose73 showed [Qc Td] and lost with two pair, Queens and Tens
Seat 2: Maniac57 showed [8d 9d] and won ($35.97) with a straight, Ten high
Seat 3: Dreamlife (button) folded on the Flop
Seat 4: A_Rulezzzzz (small blind) showed [8s 7d] and lost with a pair of Sevens
Seat 5: AlexPthd (big blind) showed [7c Ac] and lost with a pair of Sevens
Seat 6: momotroyer folded before the Flop

My Thoughts on the Scandal

First off let me say I did IM AlCantHang and give him a little bit of shit HOWEVER I could not figure out a fair method of giving the seat out. So for lack of a better idea I am fine with how it was resolved.

Secondly I find it to be a big difference when a douche bag like Hoyazo BUYS a seat with INTENT.. that is a legal word for you laymen as opposed to a solution being forced upon you by the establishment. Al how does it feel to be the man? Hippy asshole sellout.

Third and finally if you have no sense or logic in your head like Hoyazo and think this situation is the same then I will say Hoy is a prick, Pauly is a fine person.. So people don't rip Pauly. Big deal. Get over it. BLOW. Fuck you all. Etc, al, End of my closing arguments.

**EDIT**
If anyone wants to read what I REALLY said about Hoyazo instead of his douchebag edit job then here is the full paragraph.

Congratz to Hoyazo* for the early Christmas gift. It must be fun to be given a seat instead of earning it like everyone else. Do I blame the guy for buying this seat? Of course not. I would do it in a second. Do I think he might have been able to win by himself. Anything is possible. Will I sneer at him from my high and mighty WINNER seat, fucking right I will. In the end though all that matters is the winning not how you got there and he has his shot at the golden ring now. Good luck to you man.

Out Monkey the Monkey

Last night was a terrible night of cash. Dropped three buyins. yuck. The lost buyins were as follows.

Overplayed top vs set
Overplayed over vs bigger over (hard to fold but big leak for me)
Jammed two pair Hammer into a set

I did out Pushmonkey the Pushmonkey himself. I jammed him on the turn with a 9 for outs. Cmmmon bigwhammybigwhammybigwhammy BOOOM! Hit my gutter on the river and doubled up there. For the most part I played a little too loose and made calls I should not have. I think I only can win when ScottMc is there donating to me. Oh well. Too bad he chickened out last night.

Ass Brushers

I just do not understand these guys.. I call them the Ass Brushers. Who are they? You are at work. You just ate the chili. Your tummy starts grumbling and rumbling and you know your going to blow. So you go to the bathroom and let out the most foul, disgusting, smelly, shit the world has ever know. While trying not to die from the foul fumes that have invaded the air you hear a noise. shhhrrhh shrrrhh shrrrhh. What could it be? A mouse? A snake in the toilet? No my friends it is an Ass Brusher. A guy who is brushing his teeth in the sink while ass fumes invade his space. He is spreading ass gas all over his teeth in some deluded attempt to get them clean after lunch. What the fuck are these guys thinking?

Finally Lost

Finally had a losing night. Pretty hard to do with Pushmonkey at your table. On the good side it was only a four buck downswing. I started off playing a bit too loose and making some calls I should not have. I then got into a nice hand where I had flopped a set of sixes on a 678 rainbow board. I got it all in on the flop. I was against AT spades. FML! Runner spades and I am out a buyin.

Of course I had my fucktard hand of the night too when I got all in with kings vs aces and rivered my K. So I guess I was pretty even in the suckout department on the night.

I worked up almost a full buyin on my other table.. and briefly hit even.. but gave back a few bucks and ended down slightly. Basically down a buyin when you factor in my Mookie buyin and backing another player. I am feeling good about my play for the most part though. I have been patient and made decent decisions.

Scott Day 3

Chachiiing. Three days of cash. Three days of profit. Three days of beating ScottMc. The world is going to end soon. Been having a decent time of playing NLHE cash. Took down close to two buyins last night which was a lot of fun.

Not too many hands of note. We had a lagtard at my table who thought he could bully his way over me. In truth I do not take bullying all that well and this is probably not the best way to catch a lagtard. The hand goes down with me waiting for something to bust him with. He has ten bucks left at the time. I see AQ and do my normal 3xBB raise in the 6-max game. He then re-raises me as he was doing a lot of. I had folded to a few of these. I considered his hand range and figured I was way ahead. So I pot the guy up to five bucks. He is a donktard and cold calls leaving himself three bucks behind. This kind of move is stupid because I can not be expected to fold anything. The flop is all low card blanks and I toss the rest in. He thinks for a while and then calls with his AJo unimproved. BOOM! Another player running off of MY TABLE with his tail between his legs.

I really only got into one decent sized hand with Scott. I re-raised my Aces pre-flop and got called two ways one being Scott. The flop comes down T8x. The short stack ships it in and Scott cold calls. I cold call also and we both end up checking down to the river. The cards flip up and I am against QT and JT, Scott having the third best hand. I end up scooping up a nice twenty dollar pot.

I was a bit disappointed with one hand. I flopped a nice set and let my opponent bet his top pair. He then turned two pair. He lead the turn and I raised getting a semi hesitant call. I then tried to figure out a good bet on the river. The pot was like ten bucks. I did not want to scare him away. I really like jamming here but I have been trying to value bet a bit more. So I put out a little over half pot bet and he cold called. I have to believe he would have called a jam.

I did get to monkey one OBFV. I turned a nut straight and checked it. It got checked behind. SO I let my timer run down a little and jammed all in to a three dollar pot for another twelve bucks. I had a note on the guy "Can't fold TP".. Soooo... It proved to be a good note as he let his timer run down then called me with top pair six kicker.

Who knows what will happen. Poker is a fickle mistress. So far I have had three winning sessions. Digging myself out of a hole once, winning a buyin, and last night taking down almost two buyins. At least it is fun for the moment.

Winnah Winnah Chicken Dinnah

After starting out with a bit of a suck night things turned around. I started out way in the hole when I turned two pair vs a flopped set. A few suckouts with retarded hands and I was quickly down a buyin heading towards two. All of this before I even sat for a second with Scott. I admit I was getting a little frustrated by the time Scott sat down and I went up against his flopped set of eights with my tens. Runner Runner straight and Scott was down a buyin while I was nearing break even. I was able to get my stack up another buyin before giving some of it back.

I have to say that my winning the suckout hand against Scott is what kills me about Poker. I mean you can get in having a guy crushed and take a soul pounding beat. To his credit after swearing at me he ended up making three buyins at that table. Not too shabby for a bald old guy. He never got his money back from me though.

Scott constantly tells me "Did you win?" whenever I ask if I played a hand right. In a sense he is right. No one hand really matters. Of course if you consistently misplay all your hands then you might have a problem.

LJ showed up for some of the fun as well as APOSEC. I tried to nail LJ with my Aces but there were too many people left to act after her and I only got to stack one guy.

I may have some leaks when I have a huge stack against short stackers. I had hands like 77 vs QQ on a 456 board with like 7$ in the pot and APOSEC having $10 behind. I felt like he had me beat but for ten bucks I figure I might as well ship it. I pretty much flopped as good as possible without hitting my seven. I had a few hands like that with short stacked people. Such as raising AK s00ted 2x and getting called by hands like 84o and 86o. Both times the opponent flopped two pair to my TPTK and TPTK Flush redraw. I was drawing dead to a turned 86 boat with my flush redraw. If these opponents had more chips I probably get away from the hands but how do you fold on a K86 board to an 8$ stack who just called off $1 pre-flop with his crappy 86o? I am at a loss. Either I am spewing too much to these retarded fucks when I have a huge stack or since they are short maybe I should say fuck it and go for it.

It ended up costing me a full buyin between those three hands. I went down from my initial $80 surge to $50+ ending. I was able to exact some revenge on the 86o guy before the end of the night though. That is always fun. He called YET another of my AK raises with his K2 s000ted. He turned a flush draw and called my jam for his entire stack. He then slunk away with his tail between his legs.

So anyway as usual I am not sure about how I should be playing the cash games. I grinded my way back to even from a down night which I am somewhat proud of even if part of it was on a massive suckout against Scott. I also profited against Scott for the second night in a row. No easy feat. I will probably be hitting the tables again tonight to see if I can keep on rolling. See you there.

Round Two

Tonight ScottMc and I will be playing again. Feel free to join in. I have not played a "Blogger" table in a while. We are just playing 25/NL (as in 25 Max Buyin) so anyone who wants should be able to join the fun. Just find Maniac57 or ScottMc and sit down. If we end up having a huge waiting list we will switch to full ring from six max.

Good Read

Richard Brody and his RFB baby. He does not write a lot but I am always amused when he puts down a story.

JJOK Sucks Balls

Haha. Just kidding Bro. I had fun owning you though. Somehow I won playing NLHE cash. The most memorable hands were against JJ. I had one of those sessions where you do everything right against someone. Every bluff I got JJ to fold. Every value bet paid off. Heck I even got a few bucks off of ScottyMc. To be fair to the Jack Lover he was having a bad day before I came. You can tell someone is having a bad time when you hit a semi-disguised flush and the other guy rivers trips. Sort of have to pay off a value bet there. Ended up having a lot of fun and making a buyin. Not too shabby.

Not Sure How I Missed This

Wow. This is just really pathetic. The guys are Pirate Bay who kept taunting US companies because their country had not copyright laws. Apparently they made up some new laws or something because these guys are either in jail or heading there. If you want to read one of there letters here you are. It appears they were possibly mistaken but I hope they get off.

Poker Playing

Not totally sure why I have not been playing. It is not due to lack of fundage. I actually have a bit more than what I like to call a "Starter" bankroll. What is that my friends? Well in this I am truly an expert so listen up. It is fucking hard to get a bankroll going in poker. When you deposit like fifty bucks and expect to win win win you are climbing up the slope to the starter bankroll. You might do good and pop it up to two hundred but variance is what it is.. and you are climbing on a slippery slope. I think around $300 is the basic starter bankroll. Once you hit this plateau you have just enough stability to ride things out and really have a chance to make something bigger. Before that it is hit or miss.. but once you get a good base you can grow and wait out any variance.

On the divorce front not too much new. I might get laid if I so choose. I was playing some Mafia wars on Facebook when I looked up and had an email. It was from this girl Julie. She is a friend of my sisters from when I was like eighteen. She could have been my first fuck but I needed a sluttier chick that knew what she was doing. I had Julie in my bed and naked but she like just kinda laid there. So I kicked her out. I mean I need some kind of interaction. Now a days I would probably just flip her over and fuck her up the ass. Teach that bitch not to move.

Anyhow I am pretty clueless in the ways of women.. Just ask Kat about some of the shit I have said to her over the years. At least now she knows I am clueless. So this chick Julie sends me an message "Hey are you Michelle's Brother? How is she? Blah Blah whogivesafuckshutupbitch". I wrote back and told her my sister was in jail and a real fuckup. She then asked about me so I told her how I was doing. Next thing I know she sends and email that says "hey whats up? nothing much with me.call me XXX-XXX-XXXX". I am pretty fucking clueless about women so I really do need your advice but to me this says "FUCKMEFUCKMEFUCKMENOW!". I mean you really have to SCREAM it to me in order to get through my oblivious nature but am I right here or is this delusional Waffles? You decide!

So I will probably call her and see what's up. Not sure I want to fuck her anymore than I did when I was 18 but you never know.. I probably should start exercising so I do not have a heart attack when it actually happens. Have fun people.

Al Loves Me.. He Loves Me Not.. He Loves Me..

Read Sir AlCantHangSoHeMovedToOldPeopleVille at Poker on the Rails. He was too drunk to write this week so he go Mr. Tuscaloosa to fill in for him. Fucking must be nice getting paid and then getting other people to do your job. God bless America! Al mentions me in a cameo spot for a line or two. I know one day Clonie Gowan is going to come up to me and be like "OMFG! I Can not Believe it! Are you THE Waffles!!! Holy shit! Cmeere hot girlfriends this is WAFFLES! Wow! Can I get an autograph! Oh, I left my pen in my room.. can you come and get it with me". I will leave the rest to your imaginations. There can be only one baby!

Stupid Fucking Animal Planet - Where are the Animals?!?!

Holy fucking shit. I knew they fucking jumped the shark. Now they are playing goddamn episodes of "I should be dead". You know that show where people get totally fucked up and they barely survive. I love the show but it has NOTHING to do with animals. I get it. You guys figured out that people do not want to watch bee's fucking 24hrs a day! Good for you for realizing this but instead of swapping out shows and calling it Animal planet get a pair of fucking balls and rename your stupid station. Fucking retards. Either your Animal Planet or not, do NOT fucking try and slip this shit in on us. We are not falling for it!!!

Goddamn I am Getting Angrier

I am fucking ranting my ass off these days. Let's rant on my good friend PokerPeaker. He recently picked his 5 worse movies ever. His choices were:

Showgirls, The Matrix Revolutions, Godzilla, The Notebook and Halloween - The Curse of Michael Myers.

Holy fuck what a retard. First off how the fuck can PokerPeaker say Showgirls is top 5 bad movies?!?! Have you seen that movie! Fucking awesome movie! That lead chick is fucking hot as shit. I spanked my way through that movie several times. Goddamn I love that show.

Halloween? Is that the remake. I honestly have not seen the remake but Halloween is one of the best movies ever. Halloween two sucked balls with those retard kids and the fucking idiot music that turns them into monsters. The Michael Myers ones were great.

Fuck even Godzilla was not that bad. I mean you could not think of a worse movie you have seen? Your a fucking retard man. You should stick to running. Nobody else want's to hear your fucking idiotic worse movies picks. Just run by yourself Forrest and leave the movies to the pro's.

Stupid Dover Whores

You whores of Dover annoy me. All you do is fuck your husband and think it makes you great. If it made you special they would not be fucking every whore they could find on their "Business" trips. So screw you. If you wanted to know why I was disheveled at my Daughters soccer game I would have told you.. my wife sucked the soul from my body and my lifeless zombie corpse is doing the best it can until she kills me. Makes perfect sense if you just ask. Fucking whore.

PETA Beaten to a Pulp

I found this to be totally hilarious unlike some of my WoW posts. PETA the animal cruelty people decided to hold this protest against seal clubbing. The smart people of PETA decided to setup a protest in WoW at an area called the Borean Tundra where seals are clubbed and skinned by some of the in game characters. The protesters would kill the seal murderers and make WoW a safer place for baby seals. It got some press in some of the WoW fan sites.

Predictably when you set out to do something in a game things can go horribly wrong. Apparently a bunch of the HORDE players came to the area PETA was in. They proceeded to kill all the members of PETA, club seals, and for added laughs they set out giant pig feasts for all to eat at. Very funny.

Fucking Easter

Some people have nice Easters. My Easter went kind of like this. My wife comes downstairs to wake me up at 7AM. She is all up in my face asking if I got her email about taking the Easter Baskets out of the car and hiding them for the kids. I am like what fucking email you stupid cunt. I am grumpy in the morning. So sue me. She tells me Sarah is in tears that the stupid bunny has not come. I quickly run out to the car barefoot and grab the bags. I hide them downstairs where the kids have not been yet. The kids make their way downstairs and start yelling at me for scaring the Easter bunny away with my fugly ass butt stank. So I am like what the fuck? What the hell is that in the corner? I think I see something. They look and see the baskets and all is well. Kids are fucking stupid.

Nevermind the jew has to go get the fucking Easter basket and propagate the great Christian holiday when the Easter Bunny rose from his grave and gave holy Easter Chocolate out to the kids of the world. He said "Eat of my Body, and Broketh off a Piece of his Chocolate Ear for his disciples". Fucking hell.

The rest of the day was better. Talked with mom about my sister being in jail. Blamed her for not ever punishing the kid. Mom says my sister is mentally ill because she can not deal with the fact she sucked as a mother. Mom will try and get sister committed to a mental hospital. Looks like my sisters kid will end up adopted by my mother. Probably better for the kid to go to some foster home. My sister has not even called him since she has been in jail. I feel sorry for the kid but I am not adopting his fat ass.

We ended up playing Soccer and Football out in the yard. That was a lot of fun. I am so fucking out of shape. I think I am getting clumsy in my old age too. I crossed over my body to kick the ball a few times and ended up on my ass. The wife and nanny thought this was funnier than I did. Ok. So I thought it was kind of funny too. The kids had a good time until we started smoking my daughters team so she fell down and quit and then pretended that she broke her leg to get attention. She was crying for like twenty minutes. I totally believe it was all faked. She is a sweet heart anyways.

The boy was totally pissed off at this and the fact the game had to end. We ended up playing some more football later on. He needs to learn to just cut his losses and go with the flow sometimes. He is really stubborn and stays pissed off for a while instead of enjoying the activity that is going on.

Fun times. Fun times.

Animal Planet Farce

I like the Animal Planet. It has some cool shows. Mostly I just watch the "When Sharks Attack" type shows but it has some other good stuff. I was watching today and just had to say what the heck? They started a new show about a chick that is an FBI agent. To make it about "Animals" they have her as deaf with a deaf dog? Is there such a thing? I know blind people have dogs but deaf? Can I get a Chihuahua for being half deaf?

Did Animal planet figure out animal shows do not pay the bills? Have they jumped the shark? Even worse to me this dog is a pussy. I mean a perp comes up to the FBI chick and is threatening and the dog just sits there with his stupid tongue out. I mean what the hell? If that was Lassie he would have handcuffed that guy and fucked him doggy style before he got the first bad word out of his mouth. If your going to have a dog on an animal show he at least should be a super dog. I think this is a real mismatch for the channel. I am really disappointed in them.

Pokeher

I actually played a little bit of poker last night. Fun times. I flamed out of the Mookie on a flush draw vs AA. Actually was surprised to see Columbo show a hand as strong as Aces since he normally would re-raise there. The flop was perfect for me with a flush draw, and some straight outs and some chance that Columbo folds a weaker hand in that spot. Unfortunately for me no crubs. Lies all lies!

I then started four SNGs. I have decided to try and multi-table these for a while. I think I lose a ton in skill but volume is where it is at online. I have bowed to the collective wisdom of the push monkeys, the Suckos, the any A LJay style of play. Skill has gotten me nowhere so I will join the ranks.

The first nights results were 1-3 with a third place finish for a net loss. I got in bad once with AJ s000ted vs AK. I jammed a guy deep with AK and he flipped up QT for his entire stack. Brilliant players. He of course hit trip tens by the time the hand was over. I jammed a guy with AQ and he called with Q7 unsuited again for a huge portion of his stack. I lost this one too. The one I took third in I nursed my stack to the final three.. then overLJayed my A3 against his TT on a 3J5 flop. He considered folding to my jam but made the right call.

I am going to try and get in at least four games a night and see how that goes for a while. The eventual idea will be to play more tables. Again I hate that I can not get any reads and have to play ABCDull poker but then again against strangers my reads can suck anyway. I really get into my game against known entities. We shall see how this goes. Perhaps I will be able to fifteen table like that Donkey Kong dude pretty soon.

Help A Kid Out

If anyone would like to send me a postcard I would appreciate it. My son is getting into collecting them so keep it clean. Drop me an email at sirfwalgman@gmail.com if you want to send one. We are trying to collect all the states and countries that we can! He will be very excited!!! Especially if he gets one from Ontario or Toronto or Seattle.. New Jersey not so much.

Women are so Stupid

Image obtained from Failblog.org. Great site. All women stop reading now. I love you all and may say things you find offensive.

So initially I was thinking this whole divorce thing would work out smooth and amiable and we would just come to some fair decisions and move on. Today I started having doubts. I keep bringing up the divorce thing now because well she started it. I know I am an adult. I just want to figure out what is going on and git er done. The wife now is in less of a hurry. She is all like "You said you were in no hurry". I agree with her but everyday I think about it I really want to get out more and more. I was content while I thought I would suffer living with her for another ten years until the kids were old enough to move out. Now that she nixed that plan I want to get on with my fucking life.

That was not the part that had me worried though. I brought up the housing situation again and how I thought it was not possible to keep the house. I think her idea of a fair breakup is me living with ten Indians in a tiny apartment that smells like curry farts and sending her everything above the five hundred a month it takes to live there.

So finally she flips out on me and is like "I am not losing my inheritance and starting over with nothing!!! I will take the kids to PA if I have to do that!!!". I bit my tongue so I did not have to point out I have paid 5x the amount she put into the house on the mortgage over the past ten years while she sat on her fat ass having maids clean the house and nanny's take care of the kids. Women are so good at math.

This is the first sign that she is a nutjob and this divorce thing may not go smoothly unless I agree to live in a cardboard box with Mr. Subliminal. We will see what happens but this is a bit concerning.

I could never play like a Pro

The biggest hand of the night came in a pot where Eastgate made it $3,500 pre-flop with A-K. Greenstein peeked down to see pocket aces and raised to $15,000. Dwan called with Ks-Qs and Eastgate also saw the flop of 2-4-Q with two spades. Kaplan made an elaborate Star Spangled Banner reference before Dwan led out and bet $28,700. Greenstein raised to $100,000 as a 50% favorite to win the pot and Dwan re-raised to $244,600. Greenstein shoved enough to put Dwan all-in and the two agreed to run it just once. Greenstein offered to let Dwan to take back $200,000, but the youngster declined. The turn was a queen, leaving Greenstein drawing to the case ace, which didn't come on the river. Dwan scooped the largest pot in High Stakes Poker history

I read this on PokerNews. I am just not as good as Dwan. He is a genius. I will leave the professional plays like this to the Suckos of the world.

Impromptu Poll

Not so much because I like my wife but I figure proving her wrong is a lot of fun. So this weekend I mentioned to her that she should "Jailbreak" her iPhone. Now in reality I know fuck all about Apple phones. So here is the poll.

A. Have you busted your iPhone out of Jail, and if so name 1-3 applications that made the jailbreak worth it.

That is all. I know a lot of you besides being overweight and under intelligent have some decent tech savy so I expect some good comments.

Amusing

Brute Fighting. Thanks to SteelerJosh.

Off in Meh Land

I have been off doing meh. Not too much going on. I have been playing a bit of WoW. Seeing what I can solo. I just finished going through all the bosses in Zul'Gurub except the bat and the end boss. In old school Warcraft this was a 20-person raid so doing it with a single character can be challenging. Unfortunately Haakar eludes me. I go in with a tanking set and can not do enough damage before he enrages and kicks my ass. I got him down to like 15% HP left. I may try one more time switching to DPS mode and wearing some more attack oriented gear. I may also bag it and bring a couple of buddies and kick his ass good.

On the wife front nothing has really moved. I hope she is not realizing that this is a lose/lose situation for her. I tried to figure out what she gets from this but could not come up with much.

1. You never help around the house
Might be true but not going to be helping more when I move out. Win for me.

2. Mobneys
Tops I lose here is 50% of my income. Most estimates are lower than this. Currently I give my entire check to the wife. So I end up net 50% more where she ends up with less. Win for me!

3. You Always Ignore Me
So if I ignore you.. stay downstairs to myself.. it is almost like I am not living there.. so not sure what you get from the divorce here. I guess this one is break even.

I really think I will make out great in this divorce thing. The only thing that sucks about the whole thing is only seeing the kids like once a month or whatever we work out. I also think disrupting their entire lives and making them move is going to suck. If not for that I would be so gone already. I wonder if the wife did the math and is realizing how bad this is going to suck for her. Either that or she is just busy or lazy but she has not mentioned any plans for going forward. I have brought it up a few times but it has gone nowhere. Winning the lottery would make some of this easier so send some good luck vibes.

Sister is still in lockdown. She is sitting in jail waiting for 30-days for her trial. Apparently our state only has one female jail so she might be in with some bad ass bitches. Hopefully she learns something from this but I am not going to hold my breath for that.

Dirty Doctor Chacko

I am inspired by Doc Chacko's tale of shame. It was fun to read of his momentary lapse of all reason. I was totally amazed that he was either the five or seven seat. He has always struck me as calm and collected. So I challenge all of you to write a post detailing your most uncool moment at a poker table. I am especially looking to guys like ScottMc who I know has beaten the shit out of someone in or around a poker game. Wish I could find that post. Hah!

As much as I would like to have a good story I have not played poker live enough. I have mouthed off to a few jar heads while in a poker room. The worse I have done was call a guy a fucking idiot. It was a huge pot and I put him in on the turn for a full buyin. He had third pair and a runner flush draw and hit the flush on the river. He then throws me a ten dollar chip and say "No hard feeling". So I was like "How the fuck do you call that you idiot". I think the chip pissed me off more than anything. I mean does he think if he throws a chip my way it will stop me from stabbing him to death in the parking lot? I doubt it.

So anyway my story is lame but I know some of you have better ones. Put them out there for everyone to enjoy. Cat fights especially appreciated.

Cooking Like Astin

In my new series cooking like Astin I will attempt to rip off his ever popular cooking blog and teach my readers how to cook. I take no responsibility for any food poisoning that may occur.

Today we will start with a difficult subject. I like to call it the "Ham Sandwich". I know this advanced of a topic may turn some of you off but Astin has set the bar very high and we must rise up to the challenge. Be aware this is a multi-step process and involves sharp instruments like knives. It is not for the faint at heart.

Step one you must retrieve two slices of bread from the fridge. Not one slice as this will allow your hands to become dirty. Not three slices as this usually would make a dry sandwich. If you are making a double decker sandwich you could use three slices but we are not covering that today. The bread usually will be on the counter or in the refrigerator. Bread is normally closed with a thing called a tie. You must untwist this device. Normally this takes a few seconds to a few minutes for a stubborn tie.

Pro Tip #1: The tie should now be thrown away. The tie is a useless device made so that your wife can nag you about not putting the tie back on the bread. It only causes the sandwich making process to take longer. You should flip the plastic of the container underneath the bread and place it on the shelf so it stays in place throwing the tie in the garbage so your wife can not reuse it.

Now that you have gotten the bread you can collect the other ingredients. Normally I enjoy wheat bread as it makes the poopies come regularly but you can use white bread.

Next you must retrieve the HAM. This is a very key ingredient. Now I know what you are saying. You have seen a lot of pigs and that beast will not fit on these little pieces of bread. I was scared my first time too. However it appears that the super market where you buy the ham has people who CUT THE HAM INTO SLICES. You should specifically ask for this service. Do not attempt this by yourself. I suggest you go up to the counter. If people are in front of you cut them. It shows that you have initiative and will be rewarded. Say in your loudest most command voice "Boy.. Yes, You Boy.. Cut me some Ham!". The child behind the counter will be so impressed by your commanding presence that he will give you the ham. I suggest about a quarter pound for a sandwich.

While you are at it you can command him to get you some cheese also. Again about a quarter pound should be good. If you are making several sandwiches that week you can go up to a half a pound. I enjoy a nice foreigner cheese. While I would not want to go to some piss hole foreign country like Canada or Swiss Land they do make a good cheese. I suggest the Swiss Cheese for its tangy taste. There are dozens of cheeses to choose from though.

So now what do we do with these slices of ham and cheese. We must combine them. This sounds more difficult than it is. Basically you put both pieces of bread on the counter. I then suggest the technique of adding the ham and cheese to one of the pieces of bread. Usually I use the left side but if you are a commie pinko lefty then you could put the ham and cheese on the right side. Normally the slices of ham and cheese are going to be BIGGER than the bread so you should fold them in half.

PRO TIP #2 It is normally a good idea to touch the ham before you put it on your sandwich. If it is slimy, green, and smelly then it MIGHT be out of date. One time I forgot to do this step and puked for four days. If it has just one of these symptoms then you should be fine.

Now we must add the condiments. No, not condoms. Plastic does not mix with your sandwich. Condiments are things like ketchup and mustard for fancy people. I prefer to use mustard with ham. You can use a foo foo mustard like Grey Poopon if you would like to add some upper crust fancy pantsyness to your sandwich. The working man such as myself chooses good ole American French's mustard. I know. I know. It sounds like some asswipe french mustard but it is not.

The mustard should be applied to the right piece of bread assuming you used the proper technique of cheese and ham on the left side. Once you apply a couple of dabs of mustard you can close the sandwich. It is much easier to flip the mustard side of the bread onto the ham side. Be careful not to add too much mustard. You can only perfect this with practice but if mustard is gushing out the sides of your sandwich you need to use less.

Pro Tip #3 If you do over pack your sandwich with mustard here is where those years of pussy eating come back to help you. At least those years of watching pussy being eaten in porno's. You can lick the mustard off the sides of your sandwich. Be gentle yet forceful.

So this concludes the first of many lessons in cooking like Astin. I know we probably went a little far for some of you but we needed to bring a difficulty level to match this chef of the great white north. Please feel free to leave suggestions for the next recipe as we always appreciate user feedback.