So Tired

Worked from 9AM to 10:35PM last night, took the train home from Boston, then woke up at my normal new time of 5AM. Fell asleep at the train station. Fell asleep on the train. Hell I might just be dreaming this shitty post.

Life is always tough for me but I give up a little too quick. The latest slight obstacle is my company will not change my direct deposit unless I change my new account to a business account. I work as a consultant so they can not have anything that looks like I am an employee. So depositing to an account just in my name does not work. It makes sense but I did not think about it before hand. Too tired and have a critical install today but I will take care of it tomorrow. Still on track. Peace.

Good Friend, Good Move

As most of my long term readers know I live in the most fucked up situation imaginable. Basically my Wife and I are divorced but we live together and have not filed papers. I live on the first floor and she lives in the master bedroom and we share all the other rooms. We both take care of the kids. We have an agreement to consider ourselves divorced and date other people. I basically work and deposit my check to the joint account and she spends it.

The situation came about because I have a huge mental aversion to arguments. I think it stems from my childhood. If we argued and woke my dad out he would come charging out of his room in his tightie whities, belt in hand, and beat the shit out of whoever he chose... which was usually me. I am doing some amateur psychology here but I think from that I learned it is better to just get along. Be quiet. Do not rock the boat.

It crops up and bites my ass all the time. I go to huge lengths to not get in trouble for things which normally just makes it worse. In this case instead of fighting about bills and stuff like that I let the wife take them over years ago. I knew this would end in disaster since she sucks at bills. I just totally withdrew and semi-functioned as I fell into deeper and deeper depression.

I have no idea where my recent burst of energy has come from. I have been trying to knock myself out of my funk for years. Somehow I have started waking up. It could just be because things have gotten so bad I can not avoid them anymore. I am not sure.

To the normal person the things I have done the past few months are nothing. I mean I bought a PC for myself. I setup a basketball hoop. I started waking up. Setup a desk area. Several other very small things. These things have added up and I feel comfortable with taking back control of my life.

I am not sure what the right thing to do as endgame is. I have issues with making my kids change schools. My family did this when I was in 6th grade and the next six years of my life were hell. I do not want to do that to my kids. I think my situation is somewhat livable if I take control and make decisions and keep engaged.

I took the first big move last night. I told my wife I am taking over control of the bills. I also said I was switching my deposit to my account. She exploded and started yelling. She said "We might as well just get divorced then!!". I thought we basically were.

I told her I did not want to hurt the kids but if she felt she needed to file then go ahead. I told her I was not selling the house or filing for divorce or leaving my house. The easiest path for me would be to run away and leave this shit pile for her to deal with. I refuse to do that to my kids.

She then came down later to yell at me some more. I stood my ground and will be changing the direct deposit this morning. I have 2-weeks till payday. She needs to provide me with all the needed information before then. She came out this morning and asked if I could watch the kids for Saturday so she could get the information together.

I guess this means I win this round. Not totally sure. It is not about winning and losing though. It is about creating an environment where we both can have less stress and work together. In the end it is about me having control over my own decisions and making the ones that are right for myself and my kids.

I have no idea where this is going to end up. I feel sapped of energy this morning. My stomach is aching. My stress levels are through the roof. All I had in the house to drink last night was a fucking stupid wine that tasted like a watermelon raped an apple. I think I have taken a big step though. Peace.

Sigh

How did I let things get this bad.... Grabbing control of your life is painful and sad and involves a lot of fighting. Have a drink for me. I have such a problem with strife. I need to learn to love it. Peace.

In Like Flynn

Finally bit the bullet and decided to join BCP. Josie said to wait on depositing and I will get a better offer. Doh! I said I was not going to listen to her anymore!! Dammit. I played like an hour to get used to the site. I won one hand out of like 60. It was play money though so I was not too concerned.

The plan is to deposit a hundry, play $5 DnD double or nothing SNGs. Give it a month of playing like 4-5 a night and see how it goes. Going to take it easy for starters and when I get up to like $300 I am going to figure out how to get money off the site. It seems like 2+2 could be a good option but not sure yet. Peace.

Done, Sad, Happy, Spazo, Blah

Never listen to Josie again.

Oh you're there. Shhh. My head hurts. Um, Just got up. Really hungover. 10% beer good. 10% beer not good. Went outside. No idea how I did not spank one out last night. Blue balls mmm good.

Remember that Basketball hoop I started putting together. Well I ordered the missing parts.. figured out that I ordered the right parts but also needed one more bolt. Said fuck it. Put the hoop up anyways.

Disappointed at how it turned out because I am a perfectionist and I fucked this up bad. However it is mostly straight, and the kids are outside taking shots and laughing. So I guess it will all be good once my OCD stops bugging me. I guess that is an advantage of being old... I can forget my obsessions a little quicker. I give it a week until it's all good. Sorta proud that I finished it though.

New Vow. I shall become richer. Next hoop is a new post and some other poor suckers are going to install it. Peace.

Weird Night

Just got home. Interesting but bizarre. Much beer consumed. Lots of rubbing but no action. Blah. Kissed cheek at end. Good? Bad? Undecided? I think Josie fucked me over with her horrible advice. XD. Sorry, sorry, just had to pull a Tony. Peace.

Babysitter +1

I like our Tuesday/Thurday babysitter. She is a funny lady. I always come home and say "You still here?". I sorta think it's like "our thing". Not sure she knows this though.

She was nice enough to figure out how to get wax out of my drain. yeah, yeah, my drain got wax in it, wanna make a big deal about it? See we had this tree fall across all the power lines and the wife was busy fucking her boyfriend so could not come home to her terrified children. So I was running all around the house lighting candles and stuff. It pretty much worked out well except one.

I light up this candle in the bathroom and then go to the living room to get a nice fire going and keep the kids calm. I then return to the bathroom a little latter and the entire candle had melted down. All over. The sink. Down the sink drain. Everywhere.

I was stuck with a clogged drain. I tried Draino. Extra strength even. No luck. I got it to drain slowly but it was still obviously clogged. I come home the other night and the babysitter is all like *GRIN* "I fixed the sink".

I could not for the life of me figure out how? Anyone have any guesses? ...





.. she poured hot water from a tea kettle into the sink. Brilliant! Peace.

Josie In Wow

This is my little Josie character in WoW. I just got her a nice helmet so she can see when her secretary buries her in her XXXL boobs. XD.

Josie, My Hero

Excerpts of my chat with Josie. I go downstairs to work on some QA issues and this one new girl gets really close to me and starts up a conversation. A few minutes later another girl comes by and tells the first girl she has the most beautiful green eyes and then she starts talking to me too. Uncharacteristically I decide to be social and we have a good conversation.

So I go upstairs and IM Josie:

Waffles: So if a chick stands close to me is that a good sign?
Josie: hmmm was it in a crowded elevator?
Waffles: no
Josie: no, in personal space is a very good sign.
Josie: Yes, that is a good sign.
Waffles: If she starts talking to me is that a good sign?
Josie: Yes, very good signs.
Waffles: then both start talking to me
Waffles: it was like an orgy or something
Josie: did you talk to them?
Waffles: yeah

So this morning I am like:

Waffles: If a girl feeds you cashews is that a good sign?
Josie: OMFG!!!

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

Are we really looking at the possibility of Newt Gingrich as president? I mean if someone came up to me and said "Hey this is going to be the president" a few years ago I would laugh my ass off at them. I would think Pamela Anderson would have a better shot. Have we really devolved to this level? Say it's not so! Peace.

Holy Fuck..

What a game. Missed catch. Shanked field goal. Patriots going to the Super Bowl! BOOOOOM! YAH!

Been doing a little...

Taking little steps. I think my best way to accomplish things is to break them down into tiny steps and do at least one a day. I have not compiled my list yet though. I want to get on it this weekend. I have however setup my new PC, gotten things comfy, started some stuff to do stuff and stuff. You know. Stuff.

Today I moved my alarm clock back into my room and set it up. I am setting it for 5AM. Every day. M-S. Trying to stabilize my sleeping patterns a little more. Also ate breakfast which I never do. I kinda like having the extra time in the morning.

Got so many things to do.. but instead of getting overwhelmed I just need to write them all down and stick to my one-a-day plan. Feeling semi-motivated and in a decent head space. Peace.

Tony Has Given Me An Idea

Tony's blog is always interesting to read. I really hope the guy gets some help. He really reminds me of myself at times.

Anyhow I have been reading his posts and his most recent one gave me an idea. He sends Josie emails and asks her to do him favors. Now Josie is the NICEST person on the entire planet. I mean she is a regular Mother Teressa. She tells me stories all the time of helping out homeless people. Not only does she help them out but she talks with them and really cares.

I tell her my stories of watching homeless people walk in the middle of the road and not doing anything to help. See how that works?

So since I am evil and Josie is incredibly good and can not stop helping people I have hatched a devious plan. Here it is. I can even TELL Josie what the plan is because she is too nice not to do it.

I need to get some motivation to get back in shape. I was doing really well last year and then November came. I get into a deep, dark, funk every November. So now I am back to way out of shape. I need to change this. I am going to start doing pushups again. The only problem with pushups is it gets tiring for me to keep feeling my own chest. I mean it was getting really tight and sexy but feeling yourself up is akin to masturbation: kinda like the real thing, but not quite as good.

So Josie baby I need your help! You must commit to feeling my chest all over once a month and telling me if it has improved. You must do a thorough investigation and tell me the truth. Thus I shall be motivated to continue getting healthy and will possibly avoid my scheduled 50yr old heart attack.

What do you say Josie? Can you help someone who is down on their luck? Can you provide some much needed help so that I can get back into shape? I need your help!! I am desperate and stuff. So what do you say woman? Can you help a poor, helpless, man with his health, his esteem, nay even his very life!!! How can you refuse? Peace.

Amazon

I may have to enter the 19th century or something. I think I am the only person on the planet without a cell-phone and who has NEVER ordered from Amazon.

I am getting a little dis-enfranchised with Barns and Nobel though. I have been trying to get a specific book for the past two weeks. I do not really want to tell them to order it. I just kinda keep slinking in and trying to find it. Until it comes I have gone back to the Felix and Gortek universe with the following two books which are very good. I would however like to continue the Horus Heresy series.

I see a large Amazon order in my near future.

Blaaarggghh!

Goddamit I knew changing all my passwords would be a bad idea. Now I have like 15 passwords that are all different and all 16 characters and a number. The good thing is I used mnemonic type things like "ScottishPeopleFuckSheeps4Real". So it would be easy to remember stuff. However cramming 16 new passwords into my addled old brain is not working well.. ah well, maybe in a few days I will be able to get it down. Until then no chatting with Josie at work. Boo. Peace.

First Post

I am posting on my new PC... BWAHAHAHA! Only stayed up till 2AM setting it up. Still not done. Love doing this. Missed it. Peace.

*** Update: Here are the Windows Experience scores. As expected the Graphics is the weak point right now. Not bad though. Plays Warcraft like a ballah at least.

I Done Did It

I bought the PC tonight. Spent 30 bucks out of my main checking and the rest was poker winnings and a gift card for Xmas. As usual Best Buy was a fucking pain in my ass. I had to wait for like over an hour. My stomache hurts now. Hate those motherfuckers. The guys selling the computers were fine but they did not have enough people so hence the waiting. I also love how people wander in and jump you in line. I almost kicked some little kids ass. Peace.

Appreciated

I appreciate all the advice even though it sent me into an OCD tailspin trying to figure out what I want to do. I knew this was going to happen so I have no one to blame except myself.

I checked out Ken's barebones and it is slower than what I have now. The Gateway is at least a 3.3ghz. The Intel onboard Graphics card is slightly better and the ram and HD space is a lot better. Once I put in a monitor which my package comes with then the price is not so far apart.

At least he gave me a company that was still in business unlike PokerDave. XD.

Honestly I appreciate the help and I am going to waste some money on the Gateway DX4860-UB32P with 20" Monitor package from Best Buy. Total cost is $549+tax. It fits in my budget really well and I think it will work out. I will probably slap in a better graphics card and maybe a PSU in a month or so if I need to. It is better than what I have now though and I can play the few games I own. Albeit I would like to get back into gaming. Peace.

Obsticals

I am so enmeshed in struggle instead of effort that it is ridiculous. I put obstacles in my way and get stuck up on them and use them as excuses.

For instance I have wanted to get a PC for a few years now. I really want to build a kick ass game machine. I sort of do not want to spend the money though because I have no idea where the finances are at this point, so I need to take over the finances first, except I need a the computer to take them over so I can use quicken and spreadsheets and plan things more efficiently..

See where this is going? So I decided to break down this one barrier. I am just going to get any old suck ass computer for now and once I have the financial picture clarified I can get another computer that is better. I am going to get one of the following two computers in the next few days.

Gateway DX4860-UB32P Desktop & 20" LED Monitor Package - $549
HP Pavilion p7-1174 Desktop & 20" LED Monitor Package - $679.

The HP has 8gb ram, while the Gateway has 6gb. Both have 1TB HD, Windows 7 64-Bit.

The HP is a AMD quad-core A8-3800, and the Gateway is an i3.

Both have onboard graphics cards which are semi-sucky. Not horrible but not great. The Gateway is Intel® HD Graphics 2000, and HP has AMD Radeon HD 6550D graphics.

I thought there was actually a DELL I was looking at with a better card. Now I am sorta leaning towards the HP possibly. Not sure. I am so not a hardware guy.

Anyway the bottom line. Not what I want. However I can buy either one from the poker winnings I had last time I played, a gift card I got for Christmas and just a couple bucks out of my main account. So I am going to stop fucking around and do it. If you have any preference on the setup or any experience with either type of desktop let me know. Peace.

Football Pool

I am enjoying being in Josie's pool. I am not sure how we are going to do. I do not follow these too much. On the bad side we are in 28th place out of like 150 people. We have 103 points and first place is 159 points. I may have made a slight mistake in not playing more people in the first round. I had New Orleans TE and QB, Lions WR, Giants RB, Steelers kicker and Defense, and Texans RB.

You get 4 WR, 4 RB, 2 QB, kicker, D, Coach, 2 TE. My New Orleans and Lions matchup gave me a ton of points as well as the Texans. The Giant's and Steelers not so much. On the good side a kicker and defense are usually not your big score positions. I sacrificed the wide receiver position because Megatron was just too valuable to give up.

Coming into this weekend we have Rodgers, Brees, Bradshaw, Foster, Gore, Nelson, Welker, Gronkowski, Graham, Crosby, and McCarthy as Coach. Preferable outcomes are interesting.

Obviously we need Green Bay and the Patiots to win, also New Orleans give us the best team moving forward. The Ravens vs Texans game we are going to lose a good running back no matter what but hopefully we get some points.

I guess we are in good shape to make a run.. I am just a little nervous at making up 56 points vs the one spot.. especially since he has his two QB's still. One is Eli Manning and the other is Brees... So I guess we hope for a Giant's loss with 300 Eli Manning Interceptions! BOOM!. Oh wait, no, he has Green Bay Defense! I guess we will have to wait and see what happens this weekend.

Wish us luck as first place in this thing is $2500 buckarooos! Peace.

Ramblings

I was proud of the kid the other day. He had a good Basketball game. He even has a play named after him. The point yells out DSJMAN and they start the play. He swoops down from the left side under the basket and over to downtown area, gets a bounce pass, takes his shot. He was 1 for 2 on his play. Awesome shooting. A fucking play named after him. *BEAM*

I need to be around to see these things. They make me happy. Dying at 50 of a heart attack is not the way to go. I also should note that I am glad that my compadre creepy old Josie guy Lightbulb is still around.

Speaking of Basketball the backboard experiment is partial EPiC fail and partial huge success. Not sure which. This weekend I go to put up the backboard. It is freaking cold. I put stuff together and then I have the awesome task of trying to put the board up all by myself. It is some cheap plastic-composite thing his grandma got. It was already cracked on the corner when I got it.. and dropping it off the ladder while trying to balance it and trying not to break my fingers off was really bad. I cracked the top part of the board a bit.

I decided that I would be fucked by a giant donkey before I stopped doing this project though. So I strained and pushed and swore and cut my hands to shit and finally got it up on the bottom two elevator poles. I laid it down on the ladder and went to attach the top two poles and found out I am missing 3 parts. OMG! So I failed at the task, broke the board, but actually I followed through and did what I said I was going to do. So my OCD says it is a total fail and that crack is still bothering me... but I am going to look at it as a win and call the company to get the final few pieces.

Tony my man. Stop blaming everything and everyone else for your problems. Also what the hell is this Autism thing? I thought Autism was kids who rocked back and forth and sometimes could like play Mozart on their toy piano. I might be getting it wrong but reading your blog sounds more like Bi-Polar, OCD, ADHD, something like that. I swear but for the grace of [god/the universe/luck/whateva] I could be Tony. I can so relate to his mindset. I refuse to keep being Tony. Time for some changes in attitude.

Josie the collector of creepy old men roped me and JMan into her pool. She had us work with her to do the picks. I was amazed at how many players JMan knows and changed some of my picks based on his advice. We did good this weekend with Drew Brees, Megatron, and a few other picks. We lost Megatron obviously but this was a chess move. Sacrificing your pawn to get the check mate. He did incredible. We also lost the Steelers D and Kicker. We got a few points there and should be fine going forward without them. Defenses are hit or miss for large points and with Green Bay, Patriots, and New Orleans as a few of the remaining teams I am not sure Defenses are going to play well. I am happy about our position going into next week.

Josie baby you look fabulous today. How do I know? You look great every day baby. Peace.

New Year Mechanical Fail

The same sphere of the brain that makes some mechanically inclined also makes them awesome programmers. I learned this from a super hot chick who helped me out with a ride in her jeep when my car ran out of gas. Some days I wish I had taken after my dad a little more and had an iota of mechanical skill. My dad was a ballah. He could take an engine apart and put it back together without breaking a sweat.

We bought my son a basketball hoop with the accompanying accoutrements for Christmas. It sat in the box until this weekend. I finally mustered up enough motivation and feel good to tackle the project. I was ready to quit about five minutes later. It was about 40 degrees out. My hands were hurting. The stupid post thing was not working right.

I dug into some seldom used reserve of determination and did not throw the thing in the garbage. I tightened. I attached. I found a socket set! I learned that sockets do not work very well on 10 inch bolts. I used a wrench. I used a socket. I banged my freaken head on the damn metal. Stupid kid thought it was hilarious too. I got through steps one and two though. There are only three steps. The kid is extremely pleased at my progress.

It is now 30 degrees out so the hoop will not be finished tonight but maybe by this weekend. Peace.

Final Score

The year of spanking Josie in football is over. The final scores are --

Waffles 1043
Jman 1031
Seb 1027
Josie 1020
Bayne 1006
Sarah 775
Mom 819

I actually did well in the final game but still lost ground to the winner Seb. I have to wonder where I would be if he played the first 5 weeks.

Seb 112
Josie 110
Bayne 110
Waffles 107
Jman 104
Sarah 54
Mom 98

As you can see the final game was pretty tight between the players. Josie ended up beating me for the final game but it was NOT enough to give her the season. I am the champion of the world my friends. Peace.

Wow Nice Job

Everyone did so well this week in the football pool. It is so fricken close. I can not beat Seb this week which sucks. My best outcome is the Cowboys winning. If that happens then we finish the season asL

Seb 107
Waffles/Josie 106
Bayne - 104
JMan 103

I need to go check if Bayne put picks in also... if the Giants win then I lose to Josie by a point but I remain season champion over her and JMan both. So tonight is for the last week's braggin rights. Peace.

** checked, Bayne did very well also.