Bullshit

Seriously lifehacker? Step out into nature to boost your creativity? Fuck you. Have you ever even been out in nature? First off there is this light in the sky thing. I think they call it a star or the sun or something? It fucking burns your eyes. You can not even turn it down! I mean who makes a fucking lighting system without any dimmer switches?

Secondly there are millions of fucking wild animals.. insects, grey furry things, all kinds of dangers.. Bee's trying to stab your face off. How can you relax and boost your creativity when all you are doing is swatting mosquitoes and hoping a fucking bear does not come out and eat you?

Finally there are the silent attackers. You know what I mean? The pollen faeries! Oh my god! These things fly into your eyes and make them water and shoot up your nose making it sniffle and sneeze. The damn things fly down your throat and make you cough and infest your lungs so you can not breath! You end up wheezing worse than Grouchie fucking a chick without his inhaler.

I always thought lifehacker was for nerds.. obviously they have sold out. Stupid motherfuckers do some research before you post an article. Peace.

Now Reading

H.P. Lovecraft, Best of. Currently feeling. Crappy. FML. Peace.

Is That Umpah Lumpah?

Did Josie spend the weekend at Heffs mansion? It looks like she is the one in the front.

Wow

Did everyone get hacked by the Acai berry people? Looks like 100 blogs with those posts. It looks like hacked accounts... hmm...

30 Ways TO Make Money

I was reading this article on 30 ways to make money. Sperm donor is out. That thought has always freaked me out.. I mean having little kids running around with your genes... eeeshhh. Medical subject seems right up my alley though!

Doing Stuff

After not doing stuff is kinda draining. I guess taking care of your shit is good though.

Chicks

Are always impressed by your big brain. *flex*

Chewy Is Rolling Over In His Grave

I believe that Chewbacca would be rolling over in his grave is he saw this. Yes, for those of you who did not know Chewy is actually dead in the Star Wars Universe.

http://geeks.thedailywh.at/2012/05/21/geek-news-ruined-childhood-of-the-day/.

I Remember When He Sucked

Goddamn kid can beat my ass in basketball now.

He is getting really good. He is ambidextrous so he can layup with his left or right hand. If he gets 1 step ahead of me it is an instant score. If I can keep a step ahead of him I can reach past him and slam the ball into his face. I like doing this. However being out of shape right now I have problems keeping one step ahead of him and keeping my lungs in my body. Got to give the kid credit. He has been working hard and it is paying off.. at least against fat, out of shape, old men. He tells me he does the same thing to his class mates too though. Peace.

I May Be An Asshole

I think my Mom is useless. Maybe I was just pissed off this weekend. I think she is useless though.

She puts dishes in the dishwasher in half-hazzard way trying to break them all I think.

Then she puts in a dish tablet but never takes it out of the package… so the dishes are all dirty and I somehow notice this after she has put a bunch away. UG! So I have to go and put them all back in and clean them the right way.

She takes my daughter on a bike ride to town, which sounds nice, except the roads in my town have these tenth of an inch sides for people to ride on and are probably death traps, so essentially she tries to murder my sweet daughter.

She takes stuff out to play with the kids but never puts it back.

She takes the trash out of the trash can and then leaves it hanging on a shelf until the wife gets home and yells at me for smelling up the house.

I swear eventually I had to tell her "STOP HELPING! YOU ARE KILLING ME!"

I can not even remember any other stupid stuff, believe me there was a ton more. Arg! Then she tells my wife that I was mean all weekend (maybe true).. I could not wait till she left! I had to take a day off of work to recover. 

I figured you all wanted an update on the mom post so here it is. Enjoy. Peace.

 

Left Out

Damn Josie has Velvet Thursday and Gary has History Friday.. I feel left out. Perhaps I need to start Fucktard Tuesday? In which I call some idiot out? blah.

Feeling crappy this month so far. Too much stress not enough staring at Josie's boobs.

It really feels some days that there is no escape.

Peace.

O M G

Everytime my mom tries to help baby Jesus cries. It is like killing babies. Peace.

Growing Up

The kid asks me today "How do I slow dance?".. So I told him, grab her close, put your hand down as far as she will let you, and grind into her. No? I tried to explain that it is kind of like just holding onto someone and shifting aimlessly like a mental patient at that age but he was not buying it. He says "Dad! We do not dance like that anymore!". So I told him to watch the other kids then copy them. Do not do the disco spin I did! Once you turn away she will run away! WARNING! WARNING WILL ROBBINSON! Fuck that bitch I look good in Velour.

My daughter was willing to help him learn but she is only eight and knows nothing according to him.So my daughter showed me how to slow dance. I corrected her misinformation. I told her "The boy stands here... and you stand WAYYYYY over there!". She was not buying this.

Last night was kind of a clusterfuck. Wife was going away to Canada for the weekend. I figure the weekend means Fri-Sun.. of course she had plans to leave on Thursday night... which she never mentioned to me. Sooo I wander in around 9:00 and the sitter is wondering why I am freaking 3 hours late! Not good.

The boy was up and we saw Borat was on TV... so we started watching it. Could not stop laughing at the fight scene in the hotel. Funny shit. Pretty cool when he tried to put Pamela Anderson in a bag too. He wants to see the dictator but I am pretty sure there will be nudity. Does not seem too bad. His mother may kill me though.

I am Mr. Mom all weekend now. Should be fun. Peace.

Today..

Is a day where I describe myself as a old pervy Lestat. Peace.

Pain In The..

First off Pain in the Liver. You know him. You should know him. The man. The legend. The SoCo for blood fucking hippy motherfucker AlCantHang is back writing his blog. As someone who has witnessed the legend in action at the bar I have to say it is incredible! Go welcome him back if you know him.. or read his latest exploits if you do not. Al is actually one of the nicest guys ever so go read now.

Pain in the Toe next. Ouch. Fucking hate my life. Seriously. Just give me the rope. Once every year or two I get a flair up of gout. It hurts like fucking hell. It started yesterday morning. Last night I was in severe pain. However as this is the normal steady state of my life I guess it does not matter. Hmm, maybe I can get Josie to kiss my toe out of this. :).

I am kind of busy today so will catch up later. Nice hearing from Carmel today too. Next up on my agenda is to "regroup". I need to get organized again and have goals and lists. I do good with lists. Also I may have a post on "What Adderal Does" coming up. I want to try some and see what kind of effect it has. Peace.

Tired..

Dunno why. Sleepy. Was almost falling asleep driving in to the train station today. I think I slept a lot last night but not sure... sleep and I are wary friends.

Wife is a moron. She is sitting around and turns to me and says "Why are you being so mean to me?" and I am like huh? First off I was pretty much sleeping so I doubt I was being mean. Secondly I am not going to be in any mood to take your shit when I am asleep so be prepared for a bad response. So I said "What the fuck are you talking about?".. and she then says I was mean because I did not setup some special shit for mothers day.

First off your not my fucking mother and I do not even especially like you sometimes. Secondly you never fucking doing anything for me either so stop whining. Thirdly how is it being mean to you? Seriously. You know what.. you actually have one good kid at least. Your daughter got up first thing in the morning and made you coffee (musta sucked because I noticed you did not drink it).. and she made you breakfast. You spent the day watching them play sports and stuff.

Your Son did not do anything for you but you and he do not get along so well. Perhaps if you stop telling him everything he can not do and how your going to send him to military school things might change. Perhaps not as he tends to be a little bit self absorbed at times.. but he is a good kid at heart.

Her whole problem is she sits back and says "whoahs me"... I mean she has an Ivy League diploma, and supposedly is smart but is doing work someone from McDonalds could do for slightly more money than that. The whole world is against you right? No. You are against yourself. You just think everyone owes you everything in this world instead of knowing you have to fucking work for everything that comes. So annoying.

I think I need to teach her how to be a better person. This will be my next project. To stop her self-destructive, pitying, the world owes me, motherfucking attitude and start her on the path to self empowerment. I shall achieve this goal. I even have a good starting point. Peace.

I Don't Understand

This year has been weird for me. It's like I am sort of coming out of a long, deep, dark, sleep. I am becoming more involved. A lot more proactive. Today I organized my photo album and named all of the pictures. I need to find some software to organize and tag it still. I was looking through the pictures and enjoying seeing some of the young kid pictures. I then came across one of the few pictures of my dad that I have. It is of him laying on the couch with a scruffy beard and for some reason I just started tearing up.

Now if I was some womanly creature like Josie this would be normal but I am fucking Waffles! Last time I think I shed a tear I was like 12 and five orderlies were holding me down while some doctor dug a nail out of the middle of my foot. I spent all of my teen years not crying. Not feeling anything except anger and regret. Why the fuck am I getting emotional now? Is this menopause or something? Jesus fucking Christ. Peace.

Need To Play Again

Damn I need to play Poker again. I used to be fucking good.

circa 2006 cash. Beating 1600 tools is NOT easy. BOOM! I wonder if I won.. hmm... 129 left with me as the chip lead though. Not bad. I need to see if I can find other pics of this game.

Quick Before I GoGo Baby

Been a long week. I started taking some vitamins to try and keep my energy up. I would eat lunch and come back to my desk and literally fall asleep. I think the vitamins are actually helping keep my energy levels at low-functional instead of dysfunctional. So that is good. Of course they are like Centrum children's chewable's so not sure it's the right kind.

I am still planning on going to the doctor. I have procrastination issues. I also think I need a new doctor. My old one used to be this smoking hot Asian chick. I do not know about you but if someone is going to grab my balls and tell me to cough I would much rather it be a smoking Asian female than some old dude. Sorry to disappoint you Lightning. Let's not even get into the stinky finger either. I am going to try and get a full blood work done and possibly even talk about meds. One thing at a time though.

Now my doctor is aging and I think I need to turn her in for a new one. Someone who can get me hard when she grabs my balls. Alright alright who am I fooling.. the old Asian broad still gives me a nice hard on.. but it's time for some fresh new blood.

I finally nailed something off my list this morning. It was a good one involving getting my online banking working. So I am happy about that. I feel I have been kind of stalled out for a month or so and need to turn that around. We shall see what is next. I want to sell some things to this place but I need a camera because I do not want to lug it down there and have them say "two dollah love you long long time".. I need to make sure it's worth the trip before I use my muscles.

Check out my political ranting on Mit Romney over at the Tao Of Fear too.

Happy Gay Day

Matty in the morning was funny today. It is usually amusing. They were talking about Gay Jim getting married and Matty was like "Cool I can walk you down the isle and give you away".. then Jim was like "nobody is giving me away"... so he is like "oooh you not the one given away, ok I can be your best man"... then he pauses for a second and say "Oh wait, that would suck, I do not think I could setup the bachelor party!". Hah. That would be hilarious. That would be so weird.

Speaking of Gay can you imagine what the dude who took the picture of Lightning and Tony was thinking? Aww what a nice little old gay man and his boy toy. Seriously who takes pictures with other dudes? Only dudes that want to be made fun of. All my pictures are with hot chicks!

I have to say Obama was pretty gutsy for coming out for Gay marriage in an election year. I think Mit Romney was creaming in his pants yesterday. This makes me believe even more in my report for the Tao of Fear about Mit Romney being the White Horse of the Mormon Apocalyptic Prophecies!

As far as my stance on gay guys.. I think every single woman that is made available to the pool by one gay guy leaving the race makes my odds of getting laid go up slightly. Lesbian women are cool too because we all know they love threesomes. I mean every porn movie ever made has them doing a dude. If the pr0n says it's true then it must be. Peace out. Waffles.

Fuck You All II

In a bad mood. Slept for 1000 hours last night. Seriously slept all day Monday, slept all night Monday, still fucking tired today. Gonna kill someone today for sure. Peace.

Fuck You Too

I must be in a bad mood. It might be because I have been feeling like shit lately. I had a tooth ache last night. No fun. I drank a lot of cold water to help and then I go outside to get on the train and I am shivering and almost passed out. No fun. Got sleep last night and felt a little better. Except Wife goes bitching about how nobody in the house does anything so I get pissed off at her yapping after a little and I yell at her and tell her the 19 million things I do.. and her lame ass response is "well, that has just been for the past four months".. fair enough, but STFU about nobody helping you. You have nannies watch the kids from 7AM-6PM for christ sakes.... fucking try being really poor.

I get off the train this morning and people have my least favorite implement - Umbrella. I swear those things were just made for mass murder. The fucktards that walk around staring at their handheld devices all day long should NOT be using umbrellas. I got behind this old lady and it's like she fucking wanted to cut my balls off. I get this response from a lot of women but shit I never even gave this one the hot cock.

This old woman is swinging the closed umbrella like 5 feet behind her. Is she fucking retarded? It's like a giant death sword. Fucking cocksucking old people. I do not care if your Alzheimer rattled brain is thinking back to the time when you were fucking pretty.. stop fucking swinging the goddamn umbrella you bag of wrinkles!

I then see this hot blonde chick with this guy and all I can think is WHY IS THIS DOUCHEBAG MAKING YOU CARRY THE BOX!!!! I mean seriously. You fucking tool. I may just be jealous that your bitch carries shit for you but fuck man.

I then tried to get Josie to have sex with some dead old lady. Necrophilia and lesbianism! This is really just my long-term plan of making it seems like sex with Carmel and I is not so bad.

I finished off my afternoon with a little philosophy debate with Vook:

Vookenmeister said...
Very touching tribute. Nobody ever really dies. Everything we do lives on the hearts and lives of the people we've touched. Thanks for sharing.

SirFWALGMan said...
screw you hippie Vook :P. Yeah, who fucking remembers that Egyptian laborer who built a section of the pyramids? Yeah, you know the one, Joe Al Mahamabid. Nooooobody fucking remembers him because everyone he knew and everyone they know are fucking dead.

Unless some flower peddling old lady is going to be written into history nobody will remember her in a short time.. BOOOM Head Shot!

All things we do on earth are meaningless which is why we strive to find meaning somewhere.

Ahhh it's great to be me. Peace.

The Intrepid Reader

Here is what is up next on my reading least. Probably last me a couple months tops.

"The Reluctant Mage (Fisherman's Children)"
"Star Wars: Fate of the Jedi: Backlash"
"Star Wars: Fate of the Jedi: Allies"
"The Best of H. P. Lovecraft: Bloodcurdling Tales of Horror and the Macabre"
 "Bitten: A Novel (Women of the Otherworld)" 

So we get a fantasy setting with the Reluctant mage. If you want to read those start with Kingmaker-Kingbreaker series with the innocent mage. Really good series. We then move on the Star Wars: Fate of the Jedi. Finally I read my first ever horror-fiction from H.P. Lovecraft. Yeah, yeah, should have done this years ago.. and finish off with some crazy ass modern day werewolf bitch novel. Yeah, yeah, I read old lady books like Sookie Stackhouse series too. Peace.

Nut Buster

Not much going on. Tao of Fear is good stuff. Read about how some lady grabbed a dudes nuts and squeezed him to death. So when your giving blow jobs girls... be gentle on the nuts, mmkay?

I always like reading the Alex's blog too. Seems like a cool guy and a good poker player. I read the stuff his life coach writes too. It is some good stuff.

Not too much going on with me. I went to my girls lacrosse game this weekend. There was this fucking hot blonde chick officiating. Daaamnn. In like tight yoga pants or something. I was going to go up and tell her what a good job she did as an official. :).

My son came and wanted to play some baseball catch. He started pitching to me. On the first pitch he throws this fast ball that turns into a mega sinker ball.. I pull the glove up to catch it at my face and it drops the fuck off and nails me right on the kneecap. Still limping.

We were able to toss though. As we were watching my daughter score like 3 goals in the game (supah stah supah stah!) my son was commenting on how adults make these kids sports retarded. He is like "Why do people get runner up trophies? You fucking lost! Suck it up! No trophy for you fucktard.".. He had a problem with the whole 2-4-6-8 who do we appreciate.. cheer too.. he was like we do not appreciate you! We appreciate that you suck maybe but that is it. So we started our own cheer 2-4-6-9 who kicked your behind... our team our team yay! heh.

I was pretty proud of my daughters scoring. She was the only one who could really chuck the ball from a distance and score a goal.. She had a good motion and snapped it right in the goal from far away. It was pretty impressive.

The kid decided it is time to shave. No more porn stash. Peace.