2009 Review

Fuck that. I do reviews if I WANT TO! Fucktards.

CK wins. She was the only vote. So I WILL NOT post football picks this week. Well possibly a Viking prediction. Fucking Drizz WHY YOU GOTTA HAVE SUCH A HIGH BEJEWELED SCORE!!!! Bastard. Pissing me off.

Last night I was at the library trying to pickup my kids and Au Pair. It was wholly unnecessary since the wife sent me an email after I left telling me they decided not to go. FML. I get back out to the car and I am a little mad. I see this little nerdy looking faggot ass peering into my car. I say loudly "Can I help you!". He jumps. I like making people jump. He makes some excuse about thinking it was his wife's car. I reply "It's not". Very short. Very curt. He goes on blabbering. I ignore him but give him dirty looks. Was he a car thief? Perv? Who gives a fuck. Stop peaking into cars.

I barely slept this morning. I had a headache last night and was not feeling good so I go to bed around 9:00. I then wake up at 1AM. Fun times. The wife comes downstairs around 6AM asking if I am up. So I tell her I didn't sleep. She asks if I want to get my shower now. I am getting beaten up by a Paladin at the time so I was a little abrupt in saying "No, It's fucking 6AM". She was not happy. I come up at 7AM for my shower. I was awake so why not. She won't let me get in my shower and tells me to use the hall shower. I am confused. Until I look outside and see Nicks car. Ahhhh. I then start singing "She's a dirty girl" through the door. Was that harsh? Fuck though. It is one thing to have my wife suck your dick. I am cool with that. When you start kicking me out of my own shower though that's wayyyyyy out of line. I may have to hire some black dudes to kick his ass.

Be safe tonight. Do not drink and drive. Just stay home it's better. Really it is. Have fun. I will even turn the phone on for some dial a shots. Now where did I put that bottle of Patron.

More Christmas Stories

I forgot to tell you this bit about Christmas which cements my families status as white trailer trash. We were having a decent Christmas at moms. No fighting. Kids got some toys. So my nephew who is like 13 was sitting on my sisters lap. He then like starts french kissing her. Right on the lips. I mean seriously. It was gross. She kinda pushed him away but I get the feeling she liked it or something. She yelled at him because people were around. Totally cements our place in white trash land. I actually feel bad for her. He is a HUGE kid and when he gets a little older and figures out she is an asshole she is in for a world of smackdown. She better get that under control now. Fun times at Waffles house.

Oh Oh Vikings

Wow. Not only did they lose. The savior of the whole nation.. the Purple Jesus.. coughed up the loss for them. Now you can not blame the whole game on him.. but the Vikings had the ball and possibly could have charged down the field. Was it the Waffles curse? Are the Vikings just suffering from some aversion to success.. I know that feeling. Awesome game to watch though.

So now I leave it up to you. I went 7-8 for the week. Not great. Almost breakeven though. Should I put up some picks for the final game of the regular season? Can your team pull out a last minute win against the Waffles curse like the Eagles? Will they go down in flames like the Vikings? Does your team even have anything to fight for? Do you want to risk it? Cast your vote in the comments.. if you dare..

Christmas: Watch What You Ask For

Christmas time was great. The kids got new computers. There was happiness all around. I got the wife a watch. Not because I think she deserves anything good but because it made the kids happy. I got socks. Wheee! Actually I REALLY needed socks. Bigtime! Only pairs without any holes.

I set the girl up on email and she has been sending out emails like a mad hell spawn. Most of them are of the form - "Hi, I love you, SGirl". She scares me on computers. She has the inquisitive, hacker, mentality. This was demonstrated one day when she just randomly fired up You-Tube and started watching videos of boobies. She had no prior knowledge of You-Tube. She just kinda figured it out.

The boy got a full Warcraft set including his first two months. I thought this would be a cool idea. It is fun for the most part. He has taken to calling me "Fat" in game. So he will be like "Hey fat get your ass over here and mine some eggs with me". Um. I am bored of mining eggs and want to do my boring loremaster more. "@&#^@ YOU GET OVER HERE!". At one point he was spamming my chat with "COME NOW!". I counted a hundred before I got tired of counting. At least I am a bit closer to my NetherDrake.

Not all was bad though. A Warlock came down and ATTACKED my son without provocation. My son killed him like four times and he got killed like four times.

I came down with my death knight. I put the smackdown on that lock bigtime. Normally I will not camp anyone. I killed this guy 10x, then went and turned in my quest, then came back and killed him like 5 more times. He was a BAD warlock. When I attacked him his cast bar is like "Casting Immolate..". The Immolate spell does some damage but it takes two seconds to cast. For those who do not play Warcraft. Two. Seconds. Eternity. I would go in, wack him a few times, have my ghoul smack him, then as the Immolate was just about done casting I would spell silence him and finish off the job. I think he *MAY* have hit me once with something. He did not even try a single Howl of Terror. The Howl is a spell that causes everything around you to run away. It takes .8 seconds to cast and USUALLY is a Warlocks first attack before he dots you up and blows your face off with fire from hell. Needless to say it was quick and easy to kill this lock.

At the end we amused ourselves by singing "BOOM! BOOOM! FIYAHHH POWAHH!" when his Fire Mage blasted the lock or commenting on how nothing beat the smell of a dead lock. I have spawned a nerd family. Huzzzzzah!

The only other problem with the kids computer is IT IS BETTER THAN MINE!!! Fucking bastard comes down stairs and is like "Dude, your brokeback laptop has suck graphics and no sounds. You suck n000b!". I cried. I need a new computer. Now!!!!!

Football Picks

Soooo... CK does not have to hate me because the Eagles won. Pending hatred from Drizzle. I actually forgot to give my opinion on Lions and 49'ers. Not the only person who forgot those two teams existed am I? Was that the exciting Thursday night game? So pending tonight's game I am a dismal 7-7. I did much better in Vegas going 14-3. heh. I guess if I win tonight though then I am slightly better than break even for my picks. Does that make me a profitable sports better?

Did anyone have money on the Colts? Were you annoyed that they sat their entire team and let the Jets have a chance for the playoffs? I guess I can see the pussy thinking behind that move but wow. I can not remember the last time I saw that happen. I hope Peyton gets bed sores on his ass from sitting on the bench and can not play. Stupid fuck coach. That will show him.

Merry XMAS Again

Apologies for all who I grinched with my pics. If you make some dosh let me know. Christmas is coming up. Should be fun. Life is the same.

Wife is a pain in the ass. Unfortunately she has figured out that life without the bread winner is not good. So divorce is in holding pattern until the new bread winner wants to marry her. On the good side of that coin it seems to be progressing well. His divorce is almost over. He is buying out the house from his ex-wife. The kids would go to the same school they are. They have talked about her moving in with him around fall of next year. So looks good for being free pretty soon. I actually can run good sometimes!!!

I have decided to kill the fat. Either from my wallet or body. So I am opening up prop bet city. Let's figure something out. I current weigh 186 pounds. I am thinking of betting I will lose 26 pounds AND KEEP IT OFF by the next blogger winter gathering. So I will be down to 160 pounds. The good part of this bet for those who bet against me is I can not just lose the weight in March and call it a win. I have to keep it off until the Winter gathering. Technically I probably have to be consistently weighing like 155 to avoid some water weight gain type disaster.

Will start booking interested bets after the New Year. Peace out. Have fun. Kiss your hot ass wives for me! Get a BJ from your GF again for me!!!!

Merry Christmas Package of All

Trauma poker reminded me of something else that annoys me about Hoyazo. Actually there are a lot of things. I will get into them soon. Does anyone else notice how he posts his picks in football then the next week no matter what he just says "Big winners" of the week? Is this some slimy lawyer thing. It makes you believe HE picked the big winners instead of just a general comment on who the winning teams were. His stellar 0-5 run for last week was impressive.

I used to be really impressed with Hoyazo as a MTT player too. I would read his posts and hear how he won ten gadzillion bucks playing this MTT or that. It was very impressive because I would look at it from my perspective. He plays maybe 2-3 games a night and wins a big hit pretty often. Once sites like OnlinePokerRankings came out a different picture emerged. Like if you check out his winnings for 2009 it says 22K. So including his one score for the most he ever made (27K) that means he was down 5K for this year on Full Tilt alone. Not that impressive I think. I guess that is why despite his posts we do not hear his name brought up when people talk about the best MTT players on Tilt or Stars. Ah well. Enough Hoyazo bashing for one year. Was kind of fun. Thanks for the topic suggestions.

I actually kind of hate all of you. I write posts about Vegas and get like 1 comment and then I call out Hoyazo for his ass hattery and get like 15 comments. Jesus. Fucktards. Go back to watching survivor or something.

Since I am in the festive mood I might as well give you MY picks for football. As you may already know I am the freezer. The cooler. The super bad mojo. So use the picks as you see fit. Hopefully these can help your Christmas go further.

San Diego +3 vs Tennessee. I have been impressed by Youngs turning the team around. I think SD has much more to play for and they will pull it out.

Seattle+14 vs Greenbay. First let me say I love bloggers. It is so great to have some reason to cheer or boo teams. I think Greenbay is a decent team and I will cheer for them in this game. HOWEVER. With all the suck-a-tude they have shown recently I just can not give them 14 points. I think that is WAYYYYY too much to make up. I still pick them to win. Just by more like ten.

Oakland Raider +3 vs Cleavland Browns. Browns all the way. They have shown some spunk the past month or so. I like them.

Kansas City Chiefs +14 vs Cincinnati Bengals. This time I like the Dwarf team. I will probably be wrong here. Last time I bet the suck team because I did not think a good team would score a lot and lost by like a million points. So I look for the Bungles to kick KC's ass.

Buffalo +9 vs Atlanta. Atlanta needs this game bad. Buffalo did not look very good against the Patriots and I think Atlanta has the firepower to cover here.

Houston Texans +3 vs Miami Dolphins. Dolphin's all the way. Unbeatable in December.

Carolina Panthers +7 vs NYG. Nice win last week Panthers. You can do good sometimes. Be prepared to die. I think the Giants win big here.

Buccaneers +14 vs Saints. I kinda hate this pick. What do the Saints have to play for though? They are set in the playoffs. The run for infamy has been killed. Do they even play all their starters?

Jacksonville Jaguars +8 vs Patriots. Go Team! Patriots for the win!! See you in the Playoffs.

Raven's +3 vs Steelers. Steelers have been sucking. Suckity suck suck. Baltimore has been surging. Steelers get creamed here.

St. Louis Rams +14 vs Arizona. I honestly have not seen many Arizona games. I bet St. Louis to cover 14 in Vegas and that worked out sucky so not going to do it again.

Bronco's +7 vs Eagles. Hear that sound? It is CK screaming my name in agony. Whyyyy did you pick my team!!! Of course I will misconstrue it as ecstasy. I have to go with the Eagles here in one of the most significant games of the year. Hope I am right.

New York Jets +6 vs Indy. Colts all the way.

Dallas Cowboys -7 vs Washington. In my upset of the week Washington wins and Dallas blows it again. The Cowgirls hate December.

Minnesota Vikings -7 vs Bears. Minnesota has looked sad. Which makes me sad. I mean they have brought us all kinds of purple Wife pictures. Bears just have nothing they can throw at this game though. Easy win for the Vikings.

A final post before Christmas tomorrow. The weekend will probably be spent setting up the kids new computers. shhh. Do not tell.

By Popular Demand, Hoyazo Recap, with Commentary

Without further ado a recap of Hoyazo's win in the mini-FTOPS.

First I called an allin reraise from the guy to my left with the funny Asian name, and when my A4o held up against his K9.

Waffles: This is why I can't win MTTs. I don't know what world an all in jam call with A4 is good. People have informed me that tourney players trying to stack off with A-Rag is rare but I see a repeating pattern here.

Hour 2 started off relatively uneventful, with my only big pot being one where I called a preflop steal-reraise from a short stack and my A7s, was up against 99 and failed to connect

Waffles:Here we see again the tourist. Please continue reading as our favorite delusional player laments all his bad luck and how he only got lucky once in this tourney. Ace Rag is the secret of the masters.

I got my first real big hand of the tournament early in Hour 3, when I moved AJo allin preflop against a suspected stealer on a shortish stack, but then disappointingly I also got called allin by a third player whom I did not expect to stay in the hand. Turns out my JackAce was against Q8 and TT.

Waffles:See Ace Rag again. Damn man I wish I knew Ace Rag was the fucking nuts. Fuck dude I can't even win with a nut straight on the turn.

which was important because bad beat #5 against me was lurking right around the corner

Waffles:OMFG. That's a bad beat? AQ (AKA Ace Rag AKA the MTT fucking ballah hand) vs JT? I wish I ran so good that I thought that was a bad beat.

Not to blow this hand up into anything bigger than it was, but suffice it to say I do not believe I have ever been bad beat as much in any one tournament as I was in MFTOPS #17

Waffles:See above laughing at his opinion of bad beats. I suppose his A7 being up against 99 was a bad beat too. STFU dude.

Hard to say why I did what I did here (both opponents folded), other than the generic sensing of weakness.

Waffles:OMFG. Jam A3 on the river because I sensed weakness? No! BECAUSE IT'S THE TOURNEY PLAYER NUTZ BABY! Into two fucking people how do you not get called? Then bemoan your bad luck? If it was me I just get called because Poker hates me like a motherfucker.

Here's me getting coolered bigtime again a short while later in Hour 4, as I rivered the nut flush against one of these FTOPS gold jersey donks who are almost invariably the worst players at any table they are seated at

Waffles:I fucking bluffed with second pair, made my pathetic hand against a better hand, and fucking call it a cooler? um, ya, right. cooler.

Notice again, another guy calling me stupid in the chatbox.

Waffles:Um, Maybe they are right?

I was very wrong

Waffles:First intelligent thing in his whole fucking post up till now.

Few hands later I added another 8k when the guy across the table called me down preflop and after the Ace-high flop with A2 despite my UTG preflop raise:

Waffles:In other words "My Ace Rag is brilliant and yours sucks". It just baffles me how his A9 play is soooooo much better than the other guys with a weaker Ace.. I suppose if he had AT then it would have been bad luck and a cooler that could start the next ice age.

This, from the same guy calling me an idiot in the chat earlier.

Waffles:Again, maybe they are right..

Eight minutes into Hour 5, I had my new biggest hand of the tournament. I open-raised from middle position with AQs.

Waffles:MOON SPELLS MOON! AK No Good.

I should note for the record that, in retrospect, my preflop call with this hand was pretty much the worst poker play I ever make

Waffles:I never know how to react when Hoyazo actually admits to making a mistake. Part of me feels like I should give him a pass. Nahh. Doubtful this is your worst play ever. Possibly betting into two guys all the time with nothing could be. Bluffing off your stack with middle pair. Calling off with the tourist. Hmm. Like I said Doubtful.

How do I lose this? He's got just 4 outs twice, plus I have eight other redraw outs. I'm going to be top 3 in the 5050 at the same time as this Mini FTOPS run.

Waffles:Retard most of your money is in the middle already. How does he not get all in? You fucked this up wayyyyyyy before the flop. Plus your BEHIND! Actually I could be wrong here because I cant tell how 32k got in the middle there at the point of his picture? Like did the guy raise and Hoy re-raised with K4 because obviously he was stealing or something? I just can't like figure it out how 32k is in the middle with k4 diamonds.

Donk! No part of the flush at all.

Waffles:This was a pretty funny comment. The guy who Hoyazo called a donk had OESD + Overs vs 2 pair. Hoyazo says he has 8 outs??!?! Try more like 17 outs on the turn. Yeah, he is the donk. 8 outs. Learn to count. No wonder Hoy thinks he runs bad he cant do simple math.

I made another 15k in chips when I flopped trips with 62 on a 66x board, turning quads before failing to get a value call on the river. But I quickly undid that, buying a little advertising when I allowed myself to get called down on the river with the hammer after having bet on the flop already

Waffles:Erm, they have seen you play. No Advertising necessary.

This only added to the general theme at the table that I was some kind of tiltmonkey, luckbox fishdonk.

Waffles:If this fin fits...

The big stack in the small blind reraised my 15k raise up to 45k. If I'm not suited and it's only heads-up I am likely to fold this hand in many situations, but with the hand being suited and the other guy being so, so deep, in no-limit I figured this is the kind of hand that I had to pay the price with

Waffles:Ya Jack Nine Donkey call. Wheeee. yeah cool.. someone re-raises your raise 3x and obviously you have to call because 78T is always gonna flop.

Ooooooooh. 2.2 million chips, with the turn of an Ace. On the turn.

Waffles:Thats usually where the turn happens Captain Redundant.

Needless to say, the rail exploded afresh there with my second suckout of the 10-hour tournament.

Waffles:Bad counting skillz. This is the point where I go on super monkey tilt as Hoyazo's post EXEEDED THE LIMIT ALLOWED BY GOOGLE READER!

which would have paid me 47k (first prize was slated to be 64k) and left $5100 for the three of us to play for. The shortest stack quickly accepted the deal, but after sitting for maybe a minute waiting for the other guy to accept, I grew impatient and decided to just play it out. Just like when I was in Vegas at the Venetian Deep Stack final table this summer, I am always in favor of a chop when luck has become a huge factor and we're down to the real big money, but I am most definitely not in favor of sitting around trying to convince someone to deal.

Waffles: Here we see Hoyazo lose 20K of equity due to arrogance and impatience. I knew there would be something good to read in this post.

It's just so wrong.

Waffles: lol dude you just called it 55-45 flip. How can it be "So Wrong?" Fucking lucksacks and their entitlement feelings makes me wanna puke.

So ends the recap of Hoyazo's run in the mini FTOPS.

Christmas Time

I fucking hate Christmas. Not actually the Christmas part specifically but all the goddamn shopping. Being in a mall with a zillion people makes me SO angry. Worse than my Aces getting cracked all in pre-flop. Omg I get so fucking mad. I seriously wish I could kill some of these people. I hate crowds. The fucking retard singing "I Love New York" in a drunken off-key baritone. New York fucker loud. In my ear basically. No that did not help. I almost stopped and told him to shut the fuck up. Altercations with drunk assholes are probably not in my best interest though. Where is Paul Blart when you need him?

I guess some of it was not horrible. Like the Asian lady. Asians rawk! She and her smoking daughter come up to me. "Excuse me venerable sir could you please tell me where the Back Bay station is". So I point and tell her. "Thank You sir, You are too kind". Her daughter "Thank You". Awkward bows commence and I go off please that the orderly and peaceful Asian society exists.

The raven haired beauty who opened the door for me and smiled. She helped too. So cute. Do I wear a sign on my face that says "WOWYOURFUCKINGHOT" that causes women to either get creeped out or smile at me. I still content it was a nervous this guys a serial killer smile but my ego can work with it.

The girls giggling as they skipped through the slushy, mess of a pond that most of the streets have become were cute also. So I guess not all was lost.

I am working on the recap of Hoyazo's FTOPS win. It should be amusing. What the fuck is wrong with that guy? His post BROKE FUCKING GOOGLE READER! You have heard it here first. My Google reader either said "Fuck this is goddamn long I am too tired to show you any more".. or "OMFG! I can not listen to any more of this bullshit!!!" and promptly stopped functioning. Learn to say "I am full of myself" in less than one million words please. Thank You. Merry Christmas! Happy Hanuka! Fucking A Kwanzaa!

To All The Chacko's Ive loved Before

Ok really just for Doc Chacko. OMFG! I had the MOST frustrating fucking night of poker. I played this guy who I just owned. I knew every move he was going to make before he made it. I 4-bet him pre-flop with weak s00ted Aces BECAUSE I knew he had fucking crap. His crap then like hits top pair when I have an over and a flush draw. Of course the money is going in there. Obviously his hand is good to a 4-bet pre and a push on the flop. If it was not and I had a hand like Aces the other Queen he smacked on the turn was good anyways. Fucktard. Worst goddamn hand of the night! The dude has a set of kings vs my 84. I turn the straight because he min-bets pre, and puts out a pussy weak bet on the flop. I then massively overbet as per my gutterball strategy and the fucktard calls and rivers the goddamn boat. I mean fuck! How much of a better spot can I get him in. I so fucking owned him at every step and still I lost 4 out of 5 fucking games.

Finally I quit to play some Stud-8. Know what the worst fucking hand is in Stud-8? TRIPS! I am doing fairly well when I get dealt the death hand. Whenever you get this hand you will lose painfully. TTT. Any fucking rolled up shit is BAD BAD BAD BAD! So I cap it pre-, and cap the fourth and fifth streets. This retard has all high cards and no fucking flush draw at all until fifth street. You know this is going to end badly right? Scumfucker rivers a fucking flush after capping from behind on every goddamn fucking street up until then. I slowed down on sixth and seventh since we were heads up and he finally had the possibility of a flush.

I finally went out on the worst fucking retarded ahole hand of the night. I have a 345 of diamonds and turn a 6 of diamonds. I make my low and a straight for a high. I loose BOTH WAYS to a better six and a fucking flush. OMFG! I capped it pre- and post flop to a FAR inferior hand. SO. FUCKING. SICK. Poker can lick my asshole after I take a shit.

On a better note go play "Where's Waffles" with the lovely Love Elf. Creepy pictures of lightning a bonus.

The End, In Which I Summarise with my Mad Summary Skills

Time to put another WPBT on the shelve so I can get to more important things like saying how unimpressed I am with Hoyazo winning the mini-FTOPS. If you fuck enough frogs up the ass one is bound to become a prince. Nuff said.

I had a great time in Vegas. I met new people. I hooked up with old friends. I am sure I snubbed someone. I probably ignored someone by accident. I may have missed hearing someone yell my name and they possibly went away thinking I hate them. In writing my recap I most probably offended multiple people. It is just my clueless way. I really do not mean any harm. I love you all. Each and every one of my readers, my intertube friends, even the lurkers.

LoveElf asked me and interesting question. I think it is in her job description to ask people interesting questions. Big shout out to her too. She cares so much about people. I think she will have an awesome career in whatever head-shrinking voodoo field she chooses. Lightning just creeps me out.

So she wanted to know "Why do you think there is such a big disconnect between Waffles/Drunk Waffles and In Person Waffles". I know it is amazing is it not? All of you readers who have not met me must think I am insane. I yell all the time at strangers. Almost get kicked out of casinos, etc, etc.. Alas it is not true unless I have had a few beers. Although I tend to be more funny than get-kicked-out-of-two-casinos drunk like my friend the Rooster.

The outlying question is kind of silly. Waffles on the page is wayyyy too angry to ever live past puberty. The core question is a good one though. What is the difference between the outgoing side of me and the introverted side. How come a sober Waffles can not be as amusing and outgoing as the drunk one. I am not sure I have an answer for all of that. If I am comfortable with you and in a place where I feel secure then I think a lot of that same personality comes out. I guess IM would be a good example of this as I am much more chatty and outgoing on the girlie chat.

Normally I do not feel that comfortable though. I am sure it comes from my upbringing and life. Spending your infancy in an incubator kills some social cues and spending every day past thirteen in front of a computer screen does not help either. Another factor could be my hearing problems. I am deaf in one ear and have a lot of trouble hearing over ambient crowd noise.

I guess a part of me sees me as boring and someone nobody would want to have a conversation with. So I self fulfill those thoughts by clamming up and not knowing what to say or how to interact with crowds of people. I have no idea which personality is the real one. Probably a mix of both at this point. Not Dealing with depression and withdrawing further into myself has probably not helped the situation much either. Perhaps one day soon I will get it together and find myself. Until then your stuck with drunk or quiet. Suck it.

So ends my once a year social activity. No promises on when I am going to the next one although I would be there right now if I had my wish. I enjoyed the whole experience. Even though every year I leave with some regrets of not seeing this person enough, or not doing that activity I also leave happy with all the fun I stuffed into a weekend. Love you all.

Final Day, Nerd Championship

Sunday rolled around and it was time to bid farewell to Vegas. I woke up from a wonderful dream about a cowgirl and her chaps riding me like a champ. Good times!

I got to watch all the Football games with some of the craziest people ever. I checked out and got to the sports book early. Al was supposed to open the suite up at around 9. Read Dr. Pauly to find out what happened there. Eventually CJ came around and we went into the suite. He is fucking tall. It was good to finally get to meet him in person.

The suite at the Palazzo was AWESOME. Four televisions. Sofa's. Pool Table. Even a video game machine that was free. I could tell it was a high class place. How? No it was not the waitresses dressed in ever skimpier football paraphernalia. It was not the thousand pillows we had. Nope. It was the rigged Galaga machine. Now I am a decent Galaga player but no way I score that high. My prior best was around 130K. The machine was rigged to let you win. I think they sped up the firing rate on the ship in order to accomplish this. High class baby!

A lot happened. I picked 11 right and 3 wrong in Football. I played a fourteen card parlay for fun. Did one for the kids, Ex, and Au Pair too. For the record -- I DID NOT CHOOSE CINCINNATI!!!! It was sad to lose in the morning games. It is much better when you have a live card for the afternoon. I made the mistake of thinking a shitty team like the Lions getting 22 points in an essentially meaningless game was a good bet. At least I was not the only one.

New Yawkers are fucking loud!!! I swear when the lines judge scratched his balls the whole fucking NY contingent went wild!! Speaking of loud New Yorker's I got to meet Dawn Summers. She is LOOUUUUUUUUDDDDDDDD. The banter between her and Stb during the Dallas game was HILARIOUS! CK was bouncing all around in her energetic fashion.

The Wife, not mine, Dr. Chacko's, looks great in Purple!!! Awesome to finally meet her other half too!!

People were stiffed and then they were un-stiffed. Others were presumed dead. Lawyering went on in the bathroom as well as something resembling an orgy without the sex part.

I fucking crushed Galaga like I said but DRIZZ was the king of the bug squashers. He fucking kicked ass scoring a 330K. I almost caught up with my 280K but could not beat him. I hear the boy plays a mean pinball too.

I got to talk a little shop. In general I was totally wiped out and in the quiet Waffles state that everyone hates. April came by at one point. It was nice of her to come by and give me a hug. I swear I felt her up accidentally. She denies. I did not mean to do it not that it is a bad thing mind you. I hope chicks can't get pregnant that way.

Eventually I lounged out on the couch falling into a semi-trance state. Smokkee was nice enough to capture a picture. It felt good. Chillin' Watching football. Relaxin'. Chattin' with people. I know I can do all that at home but it still felt good.

After the late game it was time to grab the Red Eye home. I wandered out of the Palazzo and promptly took a wrong turn. Luckily BloodyP and Kat were smoking and they redirected me. It was awesome finally meeting Mr. Pee and he is a kick ass guy. With some sadness I headed off to the airport and my hellish day-after-vegas-in-work time. Next up the Endy thing people do.

Day Two-B, Where I Fall in Love

I was ready to crash. The poker tourney was over. I had like three hours sleep all of that non-rem beer induced passed out sleep. I am old. I am lame. I admit it. LoveElf would not let me woos out though. She was sporting a nice new hair cut and looking good. How could I resist a blond? So we grabbed RayRay and decided to do a pub crawl from Caesar's to the IP. I did not want to get too loaded. LoveElf said "Drink up! Amuse me!". Everybody loves a drunk Waffles. So we hit the first bar for a few beers. We took pictures so we could play "Where's Waffles". Pro Tip - When you play Where's Waffles you need to REMEMBER where you took the pictures.

Finally we hit some shithole casino. It was there I saw the woman of my dreams. I knocked back a shot of Patron Silver as I watched her work. Elf made me do the whole procedure. Salt. Shot. Lime! BOOM! I one shotted it. I have pictures to prove it! As I met her eyes she smiled at me. She was a dark haired beauty. Dressed in chaps, undies, a tee-shirt and not much else she danced for me. We connected on a deep, soul filled level. I waved goodbye to my love. We will meet again!!

I added a few sips of a shitty beer that I could not stand and a really good frozen margarita to my tally. I never really hit escape velocity but I was somewhat amusing. RayRay decided to play some poker with a few bloggers and LoveElf and I went off for some noodles. I grabbed a noodle soup and she got some dish. I think the food saved me from getting plastered. It was not very good. The noodles were more like pasta. It did the job though.

LJ wandered by a little later and sat down and helped herself to LoveElf's entire noodle dish. To be fair I do not think Elf liked it much. It was pretty funny though.

We finally made it over to the IP leaving Smokkee to his poker game. I was the body guard making sure LoveElf got there safely. Perhaps it was the other way around. Who knows. The IP was hopping like usual. Everyone was still there. Iggy was playing Roshambo with a joyous giant woman. Chat happened. People drank. I finally crashed and headed back to the hotel. LoveElf and Smokkee were still going strong. I told you I was a wimp. Next up people fade my pics as usual.

Day Two, Poker Anyone?

The next day after being poured into a cab at the IP by Iggy I woke up with about 3 hours of sleep, naked, and confused. I do not think the dwarf took advantage of me but I may never know. One thing I hate about being old is the next day hangover. I think some of you know what I mean. When I was a kid the room would spin and IF I made it past midnight some magic drunk fairy would come by and take all my pain away. Not anymore. I woke up fighting the good fight against puking. Looking in the mirror at my naked body did not help. I won the fight with two showers and a nap. I was exhausted though. I know I am a light weight. Fuck you all.

One other note about Hooters. Great wings. Pretty girls. DO NOT ORDER ROOM SERVICE BREAKFAST! It was horrid. Even the bacon was unappealing looking although I still ate it. I am not one to not finish breakfast but this only got half eaten.

I dragged myself out of the hotel and made it to Caesar's. I wandered around a little trying to find the poker room for registration but instead ran into The Rooster and an old school blogger I had never met Carter. The Rooster was starting early as he had already chatted up a 80 year old broad. I swear that guy has a way with words. I mean how to you tell someone "If you were younger I would fuck you" and not get killed. Instead we had the old lady at our table and were chatting with her whole family. These people were from Texas so I bit my tongue and did not say how much I hate Texas. Waffles can be diplomatic on occasion. I have no idea how my divorce came up in this conversation either -- THANKS ROOSTER -- but it was one of the many topics of conversation. I have to say for a retard my man is like a walking jeopardy show. He knows a lot about nothing and can use it well in conversations.

I had a good chat with Carter too as I nursed my coke. He and I have a lot in common. Do not tell him I said that though! He is starting his family with a new baby soon and seeing anything in common with me WOULD BE BAD! We chatted a bit about the industry and old school Intellivision D&D.

Finally when it was obvious Joaquin would not get any 80 year old dried up pussy we all headed to register for the poker tourney. Here again I met a ton of Bloggers that I did not know. Like OhCaptain, Schaubs, Lightning, JJOK. A lot of my old favorites were there too like Carmen, Love Elf, SpecialK, Smokkee, Bayne and the gang.

My table was a mixed draw of players. We had Carmen's dad, April from California, Katitude, Schaubs friend, Absintine, GRob, CK, Butch Howard and some other old guy. I wonder why I always accidentally insult people. The tourney itself was pretty uneventful. Our table was Team Nit. Besides GRob trying to bust out in the first five minutes nobody was taken out for TWO AND A HALF HOURS! Can you believe that? It made Smokkee look like Islidur.

I played one hand fairly well against Absintine. I flopped a set of kings after raising before him. He fortunately flopped two pair. I made an almost pot sized flop bet. He called. On the turn a straight completed but I did not put him on that. So I kind of purposely reached for my chips.. then hesitated.. then reached again and threw 2k in. I have no idea what signal that sent if anything.. but he decided to call me. On the river a queen fell. I wanted to bet something he would call so I threw in another 2k. He figured that KQ was in my range but probably also hands like AK/AA and paid off my bet. I asked if he would have called more and he said no. I have a big problem sizing bets live. I just find it harder to figure out what to bet.

The next memorable hand after a bunch of 93o's was AK. I had a raise before me so I instantly shipped in my now smallish stack. Blinds and antes had chewed through my initial nice run of cards. Schaubs friend thought about shipping it in but my scary fast bet caused him to let go of his AQ/AJ hand. I just figured that I had around 10 blinds left and this was the place to get in. So I shipped it. I wish he had called and I knocked him out.

About this time Jordan brought me a blonde chick. So awesome dude. I was a little shy about it at first but went off to the bathroom with her... No! No! Just kidding. She was one of those table masseuses you see walking around the poker room. She had me straddle the chair and rest on the pillow and went to work. My muscles were SOOOOOO tense to begin with that it HURT like hell. Eventually she was able to remove all of the stress from my entire body. It was wonderful. It was hard to play poker that way but I did not care. I was getting all crappy cards under nine and a woody. Who cared about the poker. Jordan was too cheap to throw in the happy ending. Seriously though thanks Bro! PS - This is the ONLY time your name will be spelled correctly baring more blonde donations.

I was in one of those trance states you get sharks, or alligators in when you rub them. We finally lost someone from our table. Half the field was gone. I decided to raise my 10x stack from the EP with AQ s000ted. M-O-O-N SPELLS MOOOOOOOOON! It went around the table to Schaubs friend and he jammed in after much consternation and maybe some constipation. I was hoping he had something like AJ/AT but I also thought he might have a smaller pair. It turns out we were racing AQ vs 88. Here comes the part where the Poker Gods smite me. The dealer peals off the flop cards and turns his hand. First card up is a QUEEN! YES! I was fucking ecstatic! Until he revealed the second card -- and eight. No flush draw possibly. I go home.

All in All it was a great game. I had fun talking with Kat and CK and the goofing at the table was awesome. I played my hands well and got in decent when I had to. Unlike April I did not take any bad beats. She was getting killed with them. I enjoyed the game even if I did not win.

I broke off and wandered a bit. Crashed in some lounge at Caesar's. Talked to Iggy, California Jen and some others about Mermaid Sex. I did not start it!! As a side note I heard a rumor someone was writing a book -- really, a book about mermaids???!?!?! Carter showed up and since we were hungry we hit the Sushi bar. Doc Chacko was mowing down there already. The sushi was REALLY good. The only thing I did not like was the Unagi. It was decent but not seasoned like I am used to.

I peeked into the tourney when it was nine handed. Astin was doing well. AlCantHang was there. JoeSpeaker at the final table too. Interesting things. Speakers new hairdo was wild. He looked like a rock star. I stopped paying attention to chat with LoveElf and Carmen. Elf was sporting a nice short haircut herself. Looking good! When I peeked back in it was Speaker, Astin and AlCantHang. Funniest fucking final table ever. Al had SoCo shot glasses piled all around his seat and needed Love Elf to help his color blind ass to stack chips correctly. Seemed like every other hand Al was like "WTF! ALLLLL IN"! When Astin woke up with the inevitable Aces I thought Al was done for with his last few chips. JoeSpeaker apparently did also. However he was able to mount a comeback to beat out Joe. Astin would prevail though. I was kind of sad that an old school blogger like Al or Joe did not win but Astin definitely deserved it. It was great to see Al come so close!! I know he really wanted that trophy.

A zillion thanks to PokerStars for making the last longer bet have some teeth. It was really nice for them to throw some cash in even if Team Roach got it. After all the excitement of the day I was ready to go back to the hotel and crash until..........

Day One: Friday Night Memories, Sort Of..

For this years WPBT I decided to break with tradition and arrive at 8PM on Friday night instead of my usual midnight arrival. I also skipped my traditional haircut and even wore my glasses so I could actually SEE PEOPLE. I know novel idea right? Once I landed I decided to head to my hotel to drop things off. Keeping with my tradition of new things I booked my hotel at Hooters. It was slightly embarrassing telling the bus driver to take me to Hooters. The giggles from the people in the bus were good too.

I got the Bungalow room overlooking the pool. I was surprised at how nice it actually was. I mean for a thirty buck a night place it was great. I would highly recommend it. One other pro tip - Do NOT read the Hooters magazine. I do not know why it was sticky and wet and I do not think I want to know.

I walked across the street to the MGM. I had a little trepidation. I guess that is part of being me. Who was coming? Would they be happy to see me? It is a pain in the ass to be me some days. I mean seriously I always have fun at these gatherings and here I am being nervous about hanging with a bunch of friends.

The first thing I saw when I entered the poker area was a sick ass blogger 1/2 table. Over six grand on the table. Iggy, Otis, Bad Blood and a few others were sitting there. Apparently The Mark from G-Vegas was the target of much table envy at the time. I saw Falstaff hanging around with NO DRESS! BamBam and Pebs were chatting with everyone around. My Facebook buddy April from California was there.

I ran into the Rooster and started drinking early. Every Vegas trip I usually focus on either gambling or socializing AKA Drinking. I do not seem to be able to handle both. This year was definitely a socializing year. He took me over to the club at the MGM. Normally this place is hoppin with some techno or loud dance music or something. We walked in and it is all cowboy all the time. Yeeehawwwwww! He walks up to this hot blonde chick and I was wondering if he even knew her. It was the first time I was to meet the lovely and talented California Jen. I had heard a ton about her from different blog posts but had never met her. We all decided that the club bar was lame so went back to the MGM bar behind the poker room and started drinking again.

The rest of the night is kind of a blur. I know I got liquored up. Iggy retired to the bar at some point. Mistook Jordon for Jaxon because someone said it was him. Hey you guys look a little alike!! Should have known from the Flash shirt. Comic geeks! Bayne was as bald as ever. No AlCantHang sightings which is rare. I quizzed 2 of 3 blondes and got a consensuses that my aqua polo shirt sucked. April showed up at some time. A ton of people were there Betty, Heather, lots more. I am sure many people have been erased from memory by the beer.

I got more drunk. I think I was amusing but god knows what the fuck I said. I remember people laughing so that is usually good. Laughing with me dammit not at me!! I got chided at some point for not closing on Jen. Sorry it is Waffles. I have no moves. I do not close. Fuck it is pretty good that she tolerated being around me for most of the night. I drank some more.

We followed up the MGM as usual with the IP. The usual crew was there in Dr. Pauly, his brother Derek, several others. I heard reports of the Rooster getting thrown out of various places. Go Rooster!! Really that first night was a blurrrrrr. I thought that I was done around 1AM but Iggy said he poured me into the cab around 4AM. I fell asleep at the bar. Unfortunately this is becoming a habit. All in all it was a great start and I enjoyed catching up with old friends and meeting some new ones.

Comforting..

That things never change... All in on the turn.. wheee...

Full Tilt Poker Game #16820132364: Satellite to the Daily Dollar (125241823), Table 1 - 15/30 - No Limit Hold'em - 9:55:31 ET - 2009/12/15
Seat 1: Maniac57 (3,120)
Seat 2: master2300 (1,335)
Seat 3: DG43 (1,470)
Seat 4: papatango117 (1,575)
Seat 6: l Namaste l (1,500)
Seat 7: pokersabotage (1,500)
Seat 8: ronaldfera (1,500)
Seat 9: pongg (1,500)
DG43 posts the small blind of 15
papatango117 posts the big blind of 30
The button is in seat #2
*** HOLE CARDS ***
Dealt to Maniac57 [Qc Ad]
l Namaste l folds
pokersabotage calls 30
ronaldfera calls 30
pongg folds
Maniac57 raises to 165
master2300 folds
DG43 folds
papatango117 calls 135
pokersabotage calls 135
ronaldfera calls 135
*** FLOP *** [2d 4d 3h]
papatango117 checks
pokersabotage checks
ronaldfera checks
Maniac57 bets 400
papatango117 calls 400
pokersabotage folds
ronaldfera folds
*** TURN *** [2d 4d 3h] [3d]
papatango117 checks
Maniac57 bets 2,555, and is all in
papatango117 calls 1,010, and is all in
Maniac57 shows [Qc Ad]
papatango117 shows [Qh 7h]
Uncalled bet of 1,545 returned to Maniac57
*** RIVER *** [2d 4d 3h 3d] [7s]
Maniac57 shows a pair of Threes
papatango117 shows two pair, Sevens and Threes
papatango117 wins the pot (3,495) with two pair, Sevens and Threes
Maniac57: LMAO
*** SUMMARY ***
Total pot 3,495 | Rake 0
Board: [2d 4d 3h 3d 7s]
Seat 1: Maniac57 showed [Qc Ad] and lost with a pair of Threes
Seat 2: master2300 (button) didn't bet (folded)
Seat 3: DG43 (small blind) folded before the Flop
Seat 4: papatango117 (big blind) showed [Qh 7h] and won (3,495) with two pair, Sevens and Threes
Seat 6: l Namaste l didn't bet (folded)
Seat 7: pokersabotage folded on the Flop
Seat 8: ronaldfera folded on the Flop
Seat 9: pongg didn't bet (folded)

Heading Out

Soon I will be on a plane to Las Vegas. Bag is packed. Cell phone is charged. Woke up at 6AM. Must be excited to go or something. First time I am going single to Vegas. Should be fun.

One

No, not the movie, although Jet Li always rocks! One more day until I take to the skies and head out to Las Vegas. City of Sin. Unless your a retarded n00b like me who thinks all those friendly girls just want to chat with him.

Apparently Peacecorn has a nice twitter thing going for you twits. Fun to see people in various states of travel. Sample below:

thisisnotapril
oh i COULD make it fit if i wanted to, but it's just so much easier this way. don't have to think now, just grab and toss

I have no idea what she could make fit or what she is grabbing but good times.

How about the frozen Minnesota Crew. Minus thirteen. Ouch. I can not support the pussyness of OhCaptain though. Pocket Purell? Really? Why don't you just grow a set and man up. Germs are afraid of real men. They feast on Pocket Purell women like you. Bitch.

What else. I am so confused. Is Isildur1 Blom? I read that Blom denied it. However several sites have confirmed it and even high stakes poker blog refers to him as Blom all the time. Check this shit out:

Hastings Torches Isildur1 for up to $4.2 Million in Epic Poker Match - Poker News - CardPlayer.com: "At the end of a five-hour session that saw the two players battle at $500-$1,000 pot-limit Omaha, Hastings was up anywhere from $3.2 million to $4.2 million. (That discrepancy comes from the tenuous poker tracking sites out there, which give a good sense of what’s going on but fail to be completely accurate.) While the exact amount may not be known, it is clear that Hastings crushed him."

Is Isildur1 going to commit suicide before we find out who he REALLY is? If you want to give me the exclusive interview man I am here. I will even teach you how to play break even poker. It seems you need some lessons. I do like his responses in chat though. Shows that he might have the skills I have in playing breakeven poker:

Brian Hastings: i feel bad quitting tho
Brian Hastings: would be be cool w/ playing someone else?
Isildur1: just f off
Isildur1: wåfä’qqqqqqqnhjwe4nm
Isildur1: dW
Isildur1: GFE4¨ÅN,K N,KN,KN,KN,KN,KN,KN,KN,KN,KN,KN,KN,KN,K3
Isildur1: Q
Isildur1: u know how lucky u are ?
Brian Hastings: yes i know
Isildur1: i can promise this is the worst Brian Hastings: ill give you 30 more min if you want
Isildur1: luck anyone had
Brian Hastings: but im rly tired
Isildur1: k 30 mins more
Isildur1: take my last $$
Isildur1: i dont want it
Isildur1: ::S:S

The middle part is either a mental breakdown or some weird Icelandic or Nordic language. Not sure which but I think I would recognize it if it was a mental breakdown.

I fly out tomorrow and will be in Vegas around 8:00 Vegas time. I will head to the MGM. I might possibly stash my bag in my Hooters room otherwise I will give it to the MGM bag check people. They are really nice. You just say you are playing in the casino and they put your bag behind the desk. I am a little scared to see my Hooters room. Peace out.

Your Not the Only One

Blargh you retard your not the only one who can do Photoshop! How you like that you fucktard!

Blaaargggghh

I am not sure if his name is a noun, verb, or whatthefuck. Moron. Has nothing to do with the post. I just wanted to call him a fucking moron.

Life has been busy and not so busy. I was going to write a little about Thanksgiving. However there was nothing better to write. My sister is up to her old tricks opening credit cards in my name. So I told her I am calling the cops on her AGAIN. She then yelled at me and said I was a bad father and did not provide for my family yadda yadda. It is kind of funny to be told your a bad parent by someone who ignores their kid when he is having brain seizures and ships him off to Granma's so often he calls Grandma "mom". It is impossible to win a fight with a retard but I try. Internet poker has been good for SOMETHING at least.

Finally took care of that little court thing I mentioned before. I skipped the first two meetings then they finally said "WE ARE GOING TO ARREST YOU IF YOU MISS THIS ONE!".. so, reluctantly I went, and told the creditor to fuck off basically and so I am done with this bullshit. It did get interesting though. You borrow 6K. The creditor then says you owe them 12K. After they go to court and get it jacked up to 21K. You then get your own lawyer and owe 0K. Gotta love our system.

I miss CarmenSinCity blog posts. I talked to her last week or so and she said she is having computer problems. She said she is doing fine otherwise. Hopefully I will get to see her next weekend.

I am sort of looking forward to Vegas. Sometimes I get excited and other times I just can not. I know this is because I am depressed and nothing in life gets me very excited. I am sure I will have a good time though. I am staying at Hooters Hotel and doing the MGM Friday Night at the Bar, Saturday Blogger Tourney, and Sunday at the Sports Book. In between those activities I am totally free. If anyone needs my cell number again let me know. I probably have yours if you went to the last meeting. I will charge my phone up for the trip for sure. Will this be the year I finally see a hooker? I have never noticed one in Vegas. Will I finally get to a strip club? Never been to one in Vegas. Will a hooker Al-Roll me? Will I become handicapped from alcohol like Drizz? Will I step on little Iggy? All these fun questions will be answered soon enough. Until then enjoy.

Vegas Baby!

In response to "The Wife's" post. First off I don't see what goodness and light have to do with that time of the month. Totally opposite in my opinion. I am trying to get into an excited mood for this trip. Her post has helped a little. So here are my answers to her questions:

A. Drink until you have a tendency to say (or do) inappropriate things?

Umm.. Do I ever say anything appropriate?

B. Throw money around a table with friends without regard to probability, necessarily?

Not this year. Some years I like the pokering. This year I am thinking about hitting the bar and socializing whatever that might be. Apologies to Dawn for ruining her easiest way to get money for a plane ticket. Sorry Babe!

C. Hug anyone and anything you might have some passing familiarity with?

Sounds good to me! I may get smacked, arrested, and/or kicked in the sack. Might be fun though.

D. Kiss your friends, regardless of race, creed, nationality, gender, or poker-playing ability?

Now I KNOW that will get me arrested. So I guess I have to pass.

E. Listen to loud music played by grown up men wearing spandex?

Possibly.

F. Watch football with your 50+ closest virtual and actual friends?

Oh yeah. I am gonna let the kids place a bet on a full card parlay too. It is fun spending 10 bucks for a chance at a grand or so. Last time I missed it by 1 OT game. Fucking Hate Vince Young ever since.

G. Eat, drink and be merry?

Have you seen my tummy? OF COURSE!

H. Take photographic evidence?

I will leave that to others.

I. Do things that you might not want your children or your parents to know about, but that will give your pals story material for years to come?

Possible.

J. See me in purple?

Highlight of the trip for sure!

Garthmeister J

Hey I am in Team Waffles for the Last Longer Challenge that PokerStars added a zillion bucks to. Thank you giant lovable poker entity!!! I may have dissension in the ranks so you might hear my team called The Corporation or Team I like to Wear Superman Underoos. Do not be fooled though it is all about me and Team Waffles it is.

A slightly worse player than me is looking for partners. There can be only one Waffles but he is not so bad. He is a good guy even if he watches ghey Chef shows. So if anyone is looking to get into the last longer challenge in Vegas give this guy a comment.

I will be posting more on Thanksgiving later even though you all ignored my last post! Fuckers I hate you all. Latah.