Gahhhh

The waiting is killing.

I dunno. Some days everything seems alright and then other days I am like "What am I old lonely dude?".

I keep busy but do things mostly alone. Come home to my alone apartment. It's weird. While I would segregate myself downstairs a lot before there were always people "there".. the kids would be upstairs.. we would interact or something. Sometimes it would be too much. Other times alright. Now it is just me.

Wife is playing so dirty it's not even cool. Like signing an agreement to have me see the kids the next four Saturdays when she knows that she is going away the next Saturday. Switching dates and times at the last minute. Hell I do not even know if I am going to see the kids this weekend.

I have been exercising. Taking better care of myself. Court date is coming up. I do not know what to expect then either. Like does the judge make all the decisions? What do I need to prepare. I have a few things I am going to prepare even though my lawyer is not telling me to. I want to have a signed note by a CPA saying how much exactly my taxes every month is. Wife thought those were "optional" and I do not want the judge saying "yeah you gross that much pay extra".. I also do not want to get in trouble with taxes since I have finally cooled all that down.

I also need to work a plan for selling the house. If we just sell it or let it go then the feds will take their cut and there will be nothing left. If we can work together then we could probably walk away with some cash in our pockets.

I was nice and agreed to pay most of the bills until the court date.. but I get the feeling she is not paying the bills and just gonna run off with the money or something. Perhaps I am getting paranoid. It's all a fricken joke. I really do not care how it comes out but I want it over with so I can take stock and start my life again.

Anyways I should know more in like 20 days. Hopefully it turns out well. I am sure I will get back into doing things. I have in some ways. Drawing. Watching Anime. Exercising. Need to get out with people some more... but also been trying to save some money in case I need it for legal fees and what not. I feel like in a year things will be so much better. I will be in control. For now it's all turmoil and it is annoying.

People say "Don't be nice" "Screw her over".. and I see the point. I really do think every dollar that goes to me will benefit the kids more... but also in the short term if I don't at least help somewhat then they will have a hard time. So stuck in the middle. Things will get better. Someday.

Trending..

Sorry. Nothing amazing to mention. My marine friend has shipped out. So I am all alone again. I have been jogging, and working out. I threw my back out Monday though. Ouch. Nothing serious just a muscle pull. I got totally loaded Wednesday night for the marine going away party. NEVER DRINK WITH A MARINE. Almost got kicked out of the restaurant for "talking" too loud. Had a fun time till I puked outside the cab. Thursday at work was rough. Ended on a good note eating some Ramen soup and feeling better. Going to end the week strong with some exercise, go Kayaking on the weekend.. work a little this weekend since the week has been a mess.

Last court date the wife lowers visitation by an hour. Kind of pissed me off. I mean I get 4 hours. Why do you wanna haggle and make it 3. She then agrees to make it all Saturdays and then is taking the kids to NH this weekend with what I "HOPE TO GOD" is her boyfriend. Life would work out so easy if he was.

I still have every decision on how to live my life open. Eat out. Eat at home. Cook? I have been mixing up eating out and eating tuna and spaghetti from the can and PB&J. I am not even sure why I do anything I do. One night I will just veg and watch TV and the next night I will grab my art book and draw shitty things. I am just learning.

Hit some pussy or masturbate. I mean the first one comes with all kinds of complications unless you pay for it. However it also can be good. Perhaps I should become a monk instead.

I am trying to save money and use it for better things. Rent is a bad thing. Electric. Cable. All just drains. Eating out too. I want to spend my money on having fun with the kids, saving for their education, having fun myself and having some sense of security where I could take a year off work if I wanted to. All those things seem like good goals.

I have a nice new art project. I want to draw the spider I described before. With it's mechanical legs of Rent, Cable, House, bills, etc.. latched onto a person... I need to improve my drawing 100000% to do that but I am going to do a first draft and then I can use it as a guide to my improvement.

Nothing else going on. Next court should be in June.

Walking Dead

Sorry. Not been writing as much as I hoped to be. Life is insanity right now. I dislike uncertainty and that is all I have at the moment. We go days in between that are better. Low stress. I run. I work out. I sprain my goddamn back. I work on my attitude. I try and figure out what is next. I am sort of like the walking dead. The cure is ahead but for now all I can do is walk in the lands of bleakness and grey.

The spider legs of the system have drawn me back in. I could live as a hobo. Those first few days I was ready to just cut and run. I felt like nobody was there for me. I felt the kids hated me. I started to buy the fake koolaide the wicked witch was selling. I then went out on a Saturday. Caught some fish with some smiling kids. They were fighting and annoying me the whole time. The oldest brought his friend. It was good though. Fish were caught. I was caught. So now the lease is signed. Utilities come next. Back into the grid at least tentatively.

It was a good experience living out of the car. Sort of a cleanse for the soul. It got me thinking about what I want my life to be about. It got me thinking about homeless people. I say hi to them now instead of staying in my shell. I don't know what the fuck I am doing. Why talk to homeless people? Is that me? I dunno. Not really a people person. Couple of court dates come. Nothing is decided. Payments are made to keep the status quo. I think the witch has figured out her spell has backfired. Life is going to change for me for sure... but unfortunately for her too.

I am sure she is stressing at least as much as I am. I feel bad. I feel guilty. Everything is going to change. It's a good thing but with all birth and life and change there is pain. So I walk. I try and figure things out. I want this to end. Everything is setting up well though. I have a place till Jan. Most of the court issues should clear up by then. I think the picture will come in and I can react to that. Until then I keep walking dead. Waiting for the cure.

Prison Life

I know this blog is flittering everywhere. Future and past tense getting all messed up. It all depends on what I feel like writing at the time. Always for me writing has been cathargic and a good release. I spent 10 days out on the mean streets of Boston (suburbs). I actually enjoyed the experience. I have a little bit of a new appreciation for people struggling with homelessness. It was nice to spend some time with only survival as the need. No television. No computer. Just me. The cold. The wild darkness. Escape from the light bearers. I really think I could live that way forever.

I then had to face reality. I have kids. The kids love me. I can not just abandon them. I love them too. Even if they piss me off sometimes. Even if I am not the worlds best dad. I really do care about them. I doubt a judge would really like to give any kind of visitation to someone living in a car. Reality sucked me back into the grid.

Life to me has always been a mix of everything going terribly wrong and everything working out the way it should. I can't say I have been happy much in my life. However that could all be just attitude. I really do feel like I am being watched over by something or someone. I am not very religious. I am a seeker though. I find it hard to believe everything is an accident.

Now I am re-attached to the grid. A buddy of mine is shipping out for Marine training till Jan. So I am taking over his lease until then.. then I can decide what to do permanently. I hope things are much more settled by then. After years of being a prisoner I am not sure what to do with my freedom. So many choices now. I need to decide things every day. What to spend money on. Do I want a better apartment or do I want to spend money differently. After years of wasting so much time, money, effort, energy, what do I want for life? Do I like drawing? Perhaps. Do I want to do my laundry at the coin-op or pay extra 4 bucks to do wash and fold. What do I save? Where do I cut? Do I go all Fuel and live like a ballah. I need to figure out what I want. Right now low stress is the main thing. Should I go to Cancun? Do I eat good stuff? Do I want to use a gas stove? Do I need a microwave? When do I exercise? When do I leave for work? Should I jog in the mornings with the sexy co-eds?

Everything is a choice with consequences and benefits. In some ways I sort of want to go back to "jail". It was much simpler in some ways. Ack. At least with choice there comes opportunity. I have some ideas of how I want to live. Some things I want to do. It will fall in place. Or not. At least I am free.

CAUGHT!

It is kind of disconcerting getting caught doing something wrong. I am sleeping in my car for the 4th or 5th night. Slightly less cold because of the coat I bought. Using a towel for a blanket. It is like 12:40AM and I get a rap on my window. It is this plump woman in a security uniform that barely can contain her jelly. She says "You can not sleep her".

Now it was almost 1AM and I was too tired to argue so I just rolled on out. In hindsight though.. Fawk you! Seriously. Going over to your security car. Tough guy. The world should be a free place. Who was being bothered by one car parked wayyyyyyyy out on the other side of the lot? It really got me thinking about things like this.

I spent a few nights figuring out the best place to stay. I hit a Home Depot. The next day at like 6AM some fat lard-ass like parks right next to my car.. and bumps it.. with his fat butt. I mean there is a whole fucking parking lot! Why the fuck you have to park next to me? I am not sure if he was feeding the homeless or doing something wacked.. but it was weird..

I finally settled on the Costco lot. It was dark. Nobody went in there. It was elevated off the street so if a cop drove by they would probably not see me. It was very efficient and effective and my commute stayed at like 2 minutes. It went from being "Wake up in work parking lot and drive over one isle to go to work", to "Wake up in Costco parking and drive over the bridge to work". Really cool stuff.

I kept hoping the guard would harass me when I was there for regular work. I was ready to give her an ear full. I would have threatened to get her fired if she ever talked to me again, and then she would have to share a car with me! Take that fatty!

Night Two - The N00b Awakens

Night one I realized one thing - I am woefully unable to live in my car. I am not very street smart despite growing up in the projects. It was a safe, friendly projects. I am sure Carmen or Don could have given me some good advice. I am fairly certain they have lived in way worse situations that I was in. I mean let's recap - I have a nice 97 Lexus with comfy leather seats, enough money to get food, a job... It is pretty good life for a hobo.

Logistically I was a mess though. I had clothes. My computer (useless). This was it. No shower. No shave. No changing room. The night was freezing too. It was like 20 degrees. It really gave me some appreciation of what people have to go through. The wife's lawyer had said I could get a hotel and if I did not it was my own fault. However I could not justify the 3-4k a month for a cheap hotel.. it would take money away from my kids. I also was not ready to rejoin society yet. I am not sure I had decided if I was going to run off to Texas and live with ScottyMc, or do something else. Ditch the car and do a walking tour of America? I have no idea what my end game was going to be.

So I started reading. The internet has everything you need and if it does not there is always Dr. Pauly. It is amazing how many sites there are for Hobos. It explains everything you need. It had good ideas like: find a place to shower. Have a coat. Have a dirty clothes bag...

After work I headed off to Sears for supplies. I bought more for myself that night than I have in the last 5 years I think. Only spend like a hundred but bought a duffle bag (40.00),  workout shorts and a shirt.. a Jacket (39.99), and toiletries.. oh and a couple towels. I found the work Gym. I found the showers. So I setup my schedule. I worked out. I froze at night still. I showered in the morning before work.

The first day or so I was a real mess. I smelled like a bum. My hair was greasy. It was not a good path. Reading the Hobo guides I turned it around. Nobody would know I was homeless unless they saw me sleeping in my car which.....

Worlds Shortest Blog?

I think I may have to rejoin the light-givers and come in from the darkness. Ah well. It was fun while it lasted. It is really hard to explain how much I just really want to withdraw from society sometimes.

Today was my first court case for a bogus restraining order and the divorce proceedings. It was kind of insane. I am stressed out to the max. It went good though. I feel like there are like a million holes in everything the wife says. I am not going into details here right now but she really wants to bury me. I think it should all work out though. Some of the good things that came out of the meeting are initial visitation and contact rules, split bank accounts, and I have a decent lawyer I think. Oh and my lawyer ... So much hotter than her fat one.

I spent so much time trying to save the kids the pain I had from moving. I actually think that they might still be able to stay in the same school system they are in now. I am pretty sure the wife is staying with a guy. Not positive. Of course she is making it seem like she is all alone and has no support or money. I really hope she is because the best outcome would be them staying in town. I finally have come to the realization that what I have been trying to do is just wrong. It was doomed to fail from the start. I had the best intentions and was going of my personal experiences with the moving thing. It was hell. However my kids are different. If they have to move they might just fit in. If not then they will hopefully learn some things from the experience like I did.

I have a feeling this divorce thing is going to cost a lot. I hope I am wrong because I would much rather spend money on the kids future than this bullshit. However whatever happens I am going to be free to do my own thing and handle things my own way. Even if I make bad decisions like living in my car, at least they are my bad decision. I have a lot to do and a lot of stress. I got the accounts straightened out today, the joint account is being handled as escrow basically with the court ordering the disposition. Not too much in there anyways. Got my mail forwarded to my new mailbox. Opened a new checking with a bank. Deposited my couple hundred I have for the week. Started the process of my direct deposit going to my new account. Things are moving.

Will be up in Josie's neck of the woods next week with the kids for visitation.

Need to make some decisions about where to live. I REALLY don't want to live with my mom. There are VERY good reasons I moved out when I was 18. Also the lawyer advises against it. I do have a friend who I may be able to rent a room from. He is actually moving out in a few months for an army stint and needs to sublet his place.. so if it's available still I might go for it. Otherwise I need to figure something out. Not going to sleep with strange dudes in a halfway house or any stupid thing like that.

Wish me luck.

First Night: No, Not That One.

First night living in the car is the weirdest. I just decided. Hey. I am going to lay down. Go to sleep. It was about 20 degrees out. I nearly froze to death. Not really. I am fat enough to stay warm. However it was odd. It was kind of spooky being in the dark but I was not really afraid. You just kind of pick a spot and park and sleep.

Part of what made my decision easier was reading some of the Hobo manuals online. I liked the definition they gave for a Hobo.

Remember the differences between hobos, tramps, and bums: hobos are people who travel and look for work, tramps are people who travel and don't look for work, bums are people who neither travel nor look for work.

So here I am. A working man. Not really traveling but contributing to society while refusing to be part of it. Honestly it has been a relief.  I still do not know exactly why I am doing this. I have had many offers for places to stay. I just feel kind of like society and the life I tried to make is wrong. You all stay trapped in your bad lives, owned by your possessions, and never really being free. I know this is a HUGE generalization and overstatement but I sort of feel this way.

Another reason I think I am doing this is to remove myself from all stress at least for a little while. Living the old life was ALWAYS stressful. For a little bit at least I can throw all that away and just be me. I can draw. See Super Hero movies. Play video games. Learn new stuff.. whatever I want. Freedom is somewhat intoxicating even if part of me realizes that it can not go on forever.

Today was really stressful so I am going to end on this note. I will try and update every day just so people know I have not been killed by some bums looking for change. I have everything I basically need. Food. Freedom. I am warm. I get showered at work. Use the gym. Walk in the woods. Life is pretty awesome in some ways. There are gotchas and things you need to know. Will get more into that in later posts.

The Beginning

It all started innocently enough. I went to work last Monday morning. Did some great things for my employer. Had a splitting headache and all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. I pull into my driveway and get a few things going. Start dinner. Feed the puppies. All of a sudden I hear a knock at my door. Very odd. Never a good thing. I open the door and two officers are there. I get served a restraining order and told to pack my stuff up and leave.

The officers were very nice and seemed to be on my side although they need to stay professional. I grabbed my computer, my sketch pad, a bunch of clothes, a few containers, and off I went. The officers explained that my wife filed a report saying I abused my son. If it was not so easy to get someone thrown out of the house for no reason I might laugh at this. The wife has done this before. Every time I get my head straight and start asserting my own will she does this. Last time when I tried to get my own checking account she filed an order that said I was trying to starve my children.

The order is total bullshit. She claims two counts of abuse. However she filed no police reports. The kid was not ever taken to the hospital. The school has not contacted anyone. He has no bruises or anything. He was not hit. He was not abused. She is just playing the sad sad face women card. The seriously messed up part about this is that it works! I am kicked from my house without so much as a trial.

Intellectually I understand why this is. There are dangerous men out there doing REAL abuse to children and women. I still disagree with these laws though. If I REALLY was someone who beat a wife of child and got served I think I would just go kill the person who filed the papers. It is not a safety net at all.

It is hard to really explain how you feel when this happens. Getting moved from your home. It is sort of surreal. It has happened twice to me so far. Each time my process kind of was the same. Spacey head. Just flying a million miles an hour. Feeling displaced. Turning to despair and anger. Should I kill myself? Should I kill my wife? Should I do some other stupid thing? Quit your job so she gets nothing? Lots of choices. Go to Texas. Do a walking tour of America to each friends house around the country. Just disappear. Finally when your head calms down and you are thinking straight you make the right decision: Live in your car.

More adventures later. Nice to see all the new people and the lurkers.

The Hobo Years- An Introduction

I stopped writing in this blog for a while but feel it is a good time to open it up again. I figure I will introduce myself to any new readers and let you all know what the blog is about to me. You may hate it, you may love it, to me it has always been an online diary and a good place to dump my jumbled brain.

My name is Waffles. In case you do not know this is a writers pseudonym. Us hack writers use these so we can hide our identity slightly. I do not do this because I am embarrassed of anything I write or of who I am. I do it so that the casual person who stumbles on these pages not knowing me will not make rash judgement. Better safe than sorry. I have met a TON of my readers and they know me. Perhaps I will meet more. If I never become a real person to you then it's alright just enjoy the show.

If you want to read my older posts feel free. I think at times they provide some insight into my particular form of insanity and are at the worst very amusing. Some posts might be worth reading to get an idea of the situation I have put myself in for the past eternity of years.

The current blog is going to be about my adventures. I am currently living out of my car. I will get into the reasoning and the history a little in the next few posts. I do not want to brain dump everything in one shot. It has been fairly fun at this point living in my car. I do not have the problems a true homeless person would have. I have places to shower, I am well funded, I will not need to eat trash. I have just made a decision.

Now that the foreshadowing and introductions are done I hope you will keep reading and enjoy yourselves. Some of you will hate me. Some of you will love me. Some will just scratch your heads, grab your popcorn, and wait for the train to hit. I appreciate you all. I blog for myself and for a brain dump. A place I can think things over. I also blog to entertain a little. I enjoy the feedback and comments and have made some great friends that way. Enough with the intro. I will try and keep up blogging once or twice a day. I need to get the blog in order. I will provide you with links for feedburner and the like so you do not have to keep checking back. I realize blogging is so 2010, but I am old school if nothing else and this format fits me the best. Enjoy.